I swear to you, this is it. Most of the time this stuff doesn't amuse me, but this little cartoon is different.

Enjoy everybody.

So, for the umpteenth time since we made the cataclysmic decision to sign up with stargate dot com, we're having HUGE problems getting my blog moved there. It seems that their one of the few hosts that don't have a cPanel that's worth a shit, making the process very tedious and time consuming.

The person doing my design and move has been VERY patient, but we are close to the point where I just say "FUCK IT!" and move it all to Bluehost dot com. I am sick and tired of being ignored at stargate.

Like today. I called support and everyone's busy. So I try their "Insta-chat" support feature and am told that it's for sales only, and to call support, who it turn are all busy. So I then open a ticket at livechat's advice and am told that someone will be with me momentarily.

Five hours later, and the ticket doesn't even show up yet. Hell, the support guy I was getting chat-transferred to dumped the connection, so I'm no further than I was four days ago, except my money's getting spent on a developer and my host is fucking the whole thing up times ten.

For the record, my consultanty person has been uber-professional and understanding and committed, but I question how long she'll put up with this shit.

You better get it together stargate dot com. There are about five gozillion hosts out there that would be more than willing to simply not suck at what they do.


Update:

Fuck Stargate dot com. Fuck them Fuck them Fuck them.

After dragging their dicks in the dirt for nearly 8 days, I made the now very easy decision to move to bluehost dot com. And do you know what? They offer a free domain with a transfer, the transfers were ten bucks a piece, I got my new domain immediately, and lo and behold, my developer person has already uploaded a lot of the template to the new site, www.tmlsb.com!

Now tell me how a hosting company stays in business when they don't answer support requests at all, they don't take support calls and it's impossible to get sites up and running? Oh, and they charge 6.50 a month more for less stuff than bluehost dot com.

Oh, and if you by chance do have any trouble with bluehost.com, do you know what you do? YOU CALL THE 800 NUMBER PLASTERED ALL OVER THE FRONT PAGE OF THEIR WEBSITE!!!

Stargate? Why, you had to drill thru a number of windows before finding a toll number that did nothing more than do a loop transfer to a voicemail or back to the receptionist.

Thanks Bluehost and Fuck off and Die Stargate!!

Here's the second of the two banners you will have to choose from when visiting my new blog, located at: http://www.tmlsb.com

This is one of the two banners you'll be able to choose from at my new and improved site: http://www.tmlsb.com

But I've lifted yet another idea from another blogger. With the exception of some homo-erotic brokeback videos I've posted recently, this seems to be all I can do lately.

Anyway, here's the quiz. Sure, it's kind of like those "100 things" or "five things" or whatever quizes, but hey, if you're still here reading this crap, then you're obviously interested.

Oh, and if you're still reading this Mrs. Weber, thanks for all of your hard work and I look forward to seeing you and Mr. Weber in September.

A If you were an ANIMAL, what would you be? I would be a Labrador Retriever. Or possibly a Hawk.

B BOOKS: What’s on your reading list? I am curretly reading Life Expectancy by Dean Koontz and a true crime story called "Cop" by a 21 year LAPD veteran.

C COMPULSIVE about anything? I am compulsive about being on time, my daughters obeying their parents and weighing 199 pounds. The last one's not yet been re-attained.

D DREAMS - Do you … dream in color? remember your dreams? keep a dream journal? I dream in color. I do remember some dreams but not all the time. And the only dream journal I would ever keep is if I wrote about them here.

E EATING - what’s your usual snack? My usual snack is either a Kashi bar (the greatest snack bar ever) or a mustard and swiss sandwhich.

F A Few of your FAVORITE Things: Taking pictures, cooking on my Big Green Eggs, pitching horseshoes, sitting next to my wife in bed while we both goof around on our laptops, having an early afternoon beer with friends at the beach, someday sleeping thru the night again.

G GIGGLES! What (or who) makes you laugh? Do you have a good sense of humor? I think I have a great sense of humor. My wife is, without question, the funniest person I know. My neighbor Stephen is the funniest son of a bitch I think I've ever met in person. Ever.

H major HOT Button: I fucking hate rude or blatantly inattentive drivers.

I I am fiercely protective of my friends and family.

K Also KNOWN As… Aliases? Screen names? A non de plume perhaps? Well, I wrote NASCAR columns around teh internets under the name Mark Backer for a few years. And my BGE screen name is Dos Huevos (Spanish for Two Eggs).

L I LOVE …My wife. More than anyone or anything on the planet.

M How do you feel about MEETING people? Do it all the time? Rarely? Parties or 1-on-1? I enjoy meeting people and do it often. I am horrific with names though. I've got neighbors that, I swear to God, it took me TWO YEARS to remember their names. Most folks that know me know that though, and I'm often mocked for it.

N What’s the story of your NAME? were you named after anyone? Do you go by a nickname? Any aliases? To the best of my knowledge, my name has no story. I'm not named after anyone that I know of. I only know that one time my dad looked me in the face and said "If you need any proof that I love you, know that I didn't name you Floyd Jr." I thought that was pretty cool of him.

O OBSERVANT - What’s around you right now? What do you see? A mess. My desk is always always always a mess. My wife has seizures when she visits my office. If we have "visitors" coming to the office, my desk warrants a special visit from the President to remind me to tidy up a bit.

Q Any Little QUIRKs About Yourself: I know the zip codes of the entire metro Atlanta area. I once had the theme from Indiana Jones and the song Rockytop in my head for over two years. Anytime a tune came out either by whistling or humming, it was one of those two.

R What do you like to do for RECREATION? Throw horseshoes, take pictures, go to the lake, play the mailbox game that I invented (along with my nephew and BIL).

S Do You SING in the Shower? In the car? For your friends? I never sing in the shower. My wife would stab me in the neck with a diffuser if I did that. I do sing LOUDLY in the car, and I also sing while mowing the lawn and working out. Those last two are covered up with my iPod, so the only folks that can hear me are the folks around me.

T What’s at the Top of your TO DO list?: Figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

U Any UNUSUAL Experiences: I had cardiac bypass surgery out of nowhere at age 37 just last November after being told by half a dozen doctors I was lucky to not have dropped dead of a heart attack in the previous six months.

V VEGAS,Vienna,Venice,Vladivostok… How far have you traveled? What’s your favorite City? I've been to Cancun, california, the midwest, the Bahamas and Jamaica. Nothing truly far away. My favorite cities are Hilton Head, SC and Boston, MA.

W WINTER, Spring, Summer, Fall… What’s your favorite season? My favorite season, without question, is Fall. Both for weather and sports.

X EXes - Things You Don’t Do Anymore (but did, once (would you, again?)) Eat absolutely shitty foods in enormous quantities whenever I felt like it. If there were no health risks or drawbacks, I'd do that again in a second.

Y Any secret/deep YEARNINGS? A son. And to win the lottery. But that last one isn't secret.

Z ZERO to ZENITH - Where are you in your life? Still growing? On an upward (or downward) curve? Just skating along? Right now I'm just sort of skating along. Since my surgery I don't take my career as seriously as I used to. Meaning I don't sweat the little stuff at work. My family and being alive matter more than anything else. Period. Everything else is window dressing.

(I'd like it noted for the record that I've been trying to upload these five photos for over two hours, but can't complete them. Apparently blogger's got an elephant cock so far down it's throat that it can't make room for some uploaded pictures. I'll keep trying).

Photo posting update: We're now well into the fourth hour of blogger dot com not working worth a runny shit.

I can NOT wait to get moved to my own site.


Another update: It's now been five hours since I started trying to upload pictures. Fuck it. Here's a link to them:

photo 1

photo 2

photo 3

photo 4

photo 5

We call this one "Drunken Tater Fight." Sorry it's so cruddy, but it's a cell phone movie.

My friend Ethel is participating in Blogathon 2006. That's where folks blog every 30 minutes minimum for 24 hours to raise money for a charity of their choice. Ethel is doing this to support our friend and fellow stalker Clare, so go check it out.

Oh, and she's the second funniest woman I know in real life, so it'll be worth it. Especially when she's lookpy and going on and on about Harry Connick Jr.'s ass.

The Ethel Experience

Since GBD won't take the time out of her schedule to maintain her blog, I thought I'd post this here. This is the typical lazy day of a work-at-home-mom. Enjoy.

It's my day off, so I had a few errands to run. My main goal was to go to the tag office and renew my tags. (Believe it or not we are STILL dealing with issues from the trade-in on my old car due to the dealership). It's a long story and I won't bore you with the details - but I had to get a new tag and attempt to get an $85 credit from the DMV .

So after Sophia's nap we piled in the car and off we go.

As soon as I pull in the parking lot I hear "grunting" from the back. Yep - she pooped. There's the smell.

Ok, I change her in the car because I don't want to do it in the DMV. I took off my old license plate, got the girls situated and we went in.....to a HUGE line! Let's say 40 people in line and only 3 DMV workers.

To their credit they moved the line pretty fast. Of course we had "Jimmy talks A LOT and really LOUD" in front of us who wanted to carry on a conversation (like he didn't notice I had my hands full with the girls).

Anyway, we get to the window and I tell my story blah blah blah (at this point I'm just glad to be away from "sir talky". The lady is very nice, but I quickly realize this is going to take longer than I thought. I had called my insurance company prior to leaving because they had to make a correction in their system to show we never had a lapse in coverage (it was the dealership that turned in the wrong VIN number).

Of course, she didn't do what she said so now I'm on the phone at the window and the line behind me is growing and growing. Lauren is playing hopscotch in the color tiles on the floor and I'm trying to get her closer to me and away from the angry line.

Meanwhile, "Jimmy" hasn't shut up at the window across from us (seriously telling the DMV lady his life story which everyone can hear because he's so flipping LOUD). I finally got the insurance company to do what they needed to. Now the DMV lady needs to get a refund form (in triplicate, btw) but she can't put her hands on it, so she goes to ask someone else for one.

The line is now out the door (and it's 98 degrees outside) and I can hear the people moaning.

Sophia decides she is hungry so I attempt to give her some cheerios to hold her over. Of course now Lauren wants some cheerios and she is fighting Sophia for them . DMV lady comes back and says she can't find the form so she's called her supervisor back from her break and is waiting for her return. OMG the people in line are forming a lynch mob now.

"Jimmy" finally stops talking and is leaving the window and get this....everyone in line starts clapping - SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!! Ok, so he's bugging the crap out of everyone not just me - whew!

But now I have become "that person" in line who is taking way too long and they've all started to focus their attention on me. I pull the girls closer and try not to make eye contact with any of them. Then Lauren looks at me and says "Mommy I have to poopy really bad". I think this is where the twitching began.

I beg her to sit on the floor, dance, hold her bum, whatever it takes. No dice - she's gotta go right now. So the DMV lady says go ahead and take her while we are waiting for my supervisor. So I say "Ok, where are the bathrooms"? Right around the corner she said. Yeah, right around the corner from the angry mob!!!!!!!

So I'm running past everyone pushing Sophia in the stroller and pulling Lauren behind me. Lauren lost a flip flop and tried to stop and get it - but I kept pulling and said "just leave it we'll get it on the way back". We made it to the bathroom in one piece (minus a shoe) and I'm trying to explain to Lauren that she can't just sit there - she MUST push and get the poop out!

She made pretty good time and I was able to retrieve the shoe on the way back past the fire breathing mobsters. We return to the window and the supervisor is just walking up - whew!

Wait - who is screaming??? Oh, right - that's Sophia because now she is STARVING and the cheerios are gone. Ok, I can make a bottle with one hand, sign the form with the other and keep a close eye on Lauren - no problem. I talked Lauren into holding the bottle for Sophia while I filled out the forms.

About 45 minutes later we're done. I'm dripping sweat at this point - but I have my license plate in hand. Lauren is thirsty from all the cheerios but the water fountain is in the middle of the line so there was no way in hell I was sending her into the lions den. I ran out of there - got the girls in the car and put my plate on.

At this point, I've decided that I am NOT going to the grocery or to get my oil changed. I had already promised Lauren we would go to the car wash (one of those full service car wash places) because she LOVES watching our car go through, etc. Lucky me, the car wash place does oil changes and since I'm getting my car washed it's half price. So we go inside to wait and there it is.........that smell........that familiar stinky smell........ Sophia pooped AGAIN! But now I don't have my car to change her in so I take all of us to the bathroom in the car wash place. Of course there is no changing table so I attempt to change her in the umbrella stroller! Yeah, that went as well as you would think - NOT! Poop everywhere. Lauren is gagging from the smell and Sophia is laughing. They had a full length mirror on the wall and I looked up and just started LMAO! I looked horrible - the sweat is back, I have poop on my hands, I'm trying to stop Lauren from gagging and Sophia from falling out of the stroller.

Well Lauren is hungry and still thirsty - but luckily this place sells drinks and snacks. So I get her a slushy and a huge slim jim (gross I know - but she loves them). This place also has legos so now Lauren is set while we are waiting. I sit down and try to take a deep breath (but still can't do that). Then Lauren is spitting the slim jim out of her mouth saying HOT HOT HOT. Son of a bitch- I bought her a tabasco slim jim by mistake. So she's chugging her slushy (and cussing me under her breath I'm sure) while I go buy her a regular slim jim.

I'm waiting in line and I hear a crashing sound - Lauren had built a tower with the legos which have now fallen over and the legos are from one end of the place to the other. The twitching returns.

Now it's Sophia's nap time and it's taking FOREVER for them to detail the car. An hour later the car is ready (and so am I)! We get in and they moved Lauren's seat all the way forward. I have NO idea how to move it back. So she rode home with her knees in her eyes basically. My FIL calls me on the way home and as I'm talking to him Lauren yells "Mommy mommy - safety violation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WTF? I never buckled her in. Seriously. I had to pull over to the side of the rode to buckle her (trying to hide this safety violation from my FIL but trying to get off the phone at the same time).

Ok, we're home now and Sophia is sleeping. I think I'll go poop now. It's my turn....

I need to get something off of my chest, so here goes.

For some time now, I've noticed that more and more drivers are driving very much like a bunch of blind, insane, 90 year-old asian women trying to eat a salad, talk on the phone, smoke, and put on make-up, and at the same time changing lanes whenever they feel like it, speeding up or slowing down for no reason, running lights, failing to yield the right of way, making U-turns anywhere they'd like, stopping in the middle of the road, diving in and out of HOV lane, dicing six lanes across traffic to make an exit in the last 100 feet, driving in the GOAR, cutting in and slamming on their brakes, making right turns from the left lane or left turns from the right lane, driving and passing in the emergency lane and racing up on the right side to pass one extra car before the lane ends at a brick wall, and many other specific offenses too numerous to mention.

To all of you selfish bastards, I say this:

You better watch the fuck out.

You see, for many many years I drove very VERY defensively. I was way poor. Not that I'm not poor now, but back then I was "buying sammich meat and milk at the gas station at 10 times its normal price just because they would take the credit card on which I could not afford to make the payments. Our two paid off cars were our only real assets and we were willing to do about anything to avoid having anything happen to them.

But you see, we are now a tick better off than back then. That is to say that I could make an insurance deductible payment without worry. And let me tell you, this reveleation should concern you a great deal.

I recently decided that I would take your nonsense no more.

Now, that's not to say that I am going to run around trying to issue Barney Fife-like citizen's arrests or any such nonsense. But I will take opportunities, when presented, to correct you.

I will honk and wave and talk clearly to you even in slow or stopped traffic. I will happily pull up next to you and ask if you've had some sort of cardiac episode that made you do that, or are you just retarded.

But what should worry those of you out there that break the golden rule of driving, which is passing me on the right in a lane that you know ends shortly, is this:

In times past, I would have eventually relented and let you in line for fear of damaging my precious vehicle. But now, I hate my car. Well, I don't hate it hate it, but I don't like it, and I want out of it. I don't care if you hit the right side of it. And I will drive you into that cement wall at the end of your lane rather than let you in front of me.

And do you know the best part? When the law arrives, it will have been your fault.

You see, your lane ends, and is marked by signage that it ends. That means that YOU have to yield to get in line, not that we have to yield to let you in line. YOU ARE THE ONE ASKING PERMISSION, NOT US!

Want in behind me? Fine. There's a spot right there. So many other motorists are so tired of that shit that you often see two, three and four of them nose to tail, literally bumper to bumper, refusing to let your dumb ass in line. It almost renews my faith in some of my fellow men. I and my fellow motorists have recently started acting as a unit, using an unspoken language of upwardly raised thumbs and wild gesticulating applause when we successfully leave you behind to try to merge from a dead stop in front of a wall instead of you being able to merge in behind us at a decent speed.

And why do they do this? Because they too believe that their time is just as valuable as the douchebags that try to skirt the law and generally use bad or no manners and act as bullies in 6,000 pound cars figuring that their aggressiveness will be accepted merely out of fear by their fellow motorists and taxpayers.

Remember the movie Billy Jack? Remember how he taught the kids at the school to take and take and take until eventually he couldn't take any more?

Well look out, folks. Billy Jack just came to town, and he's had about enough. Instead of taking off his hat and his shoes and quietly placing them on the park bench, he's sitting at an intersection in Gwinnett County near you in a Chevy Trailblazer and he's had about an assful of your nonsense.

Have a great weekend everybody.