The Adventures of TMLSB

The new funniest thing on the internet

2006-08-03T15:42:00.000-04:00

I swear to you, this is it. Most of the time this stuff doesn't amuse me, but this little cartoon is different.

Enjoy everybody.

A peek thru a keyhole into the world of internet hosting

2006-08-03T06:46:00.000-04:00

So, for the umpteenth time since we made the cataclysmic decision to sign up with stargate dot com, we're having HUGE problems getting my blog moved there. It seems that their one of the few hosts that don't have a cPanel that's worth a shit, making the process very tedious and time consuming.

The person doing my design and move has been VERY patient, but we are close to the point where I just say "FUCK IT!" and move it all to Bluehost dot com. I am sick and tired of being ignored at stargate.

Like today. I called support and everyone's busy. So I try their "Insta-chat" support feature and am told that it's for sales only, and to call support, who it turn are all busy. So I then open a ticket at livechat's advice and am told that someone will be with me momentarily.

Five hours later, and the ticket doesn't even show up yet. Hell, the support guy I was getting chat-transferred to dumped the connection, so I'm no further than I was four days ago, except my money's getting spent on a developer and my host is fucking the whole thing up times ten.

For the record, my consultanty person has been uber-professional and understanding and committed, but I question how long she'll put up with this shit.

You better get it together stargate dot com. There are about five gozillion hosts out there that would be more than willing to simply not suck at what they do.

Update:

Fuck Stargate dot com. Fuck them Fuck them Fuck them.

After dragging their dicks in the dirt for nearly 8 days, I made the now very easy decision to move to bluehost dot com. And do you know what? They offer a free domain with a transfer, the transfers were ten bucks a piece, I got my new domain immediately, and lo and behold, my developer person has already uploaded a lot of the template to the new site, www.tmlsb.com!

Now tell me how a hosting company stays in business when they don't answer support requests at all, they don't take support calls and it's impossible to get sites up and running? Oh, and they charge 6.50 a month more for less stuff than bluehost dot com.

Oh, and if you by chance do have any trouble with bluehost.com, do you know what you do? YOU CALL THE 800 NUMBER PLASTERED ALL OVER THE FRONT PAGE OF THEIR WEBSITE!!!

Stargate? Why, you had to drill thru a number of windows before finding a toll number that did nothing more than do a loop transfer to a voicemail or back to the receptionist.

Thanks Bluehost and Fuck off and Die Stargate!!

another little teaser

2006-08-01T15:35:00.000-04:00

Here's the second of the two banners you will have to choose from when visiting my new blog, located at: http://www.tmlsb.com

A little teaser

2006-08-01T15:34:00.000-04:00

This is one of the two banners you'll be able to choose from at my new and improved site: http://www.tmlsb.com

This should surprise no one...

2006-08-01T13:58:00.000-04:00

But I've lifted yet another idea from another blogger. With the exception of some homo-erotic brokeback videos I've posted recently, this seems to be all I can do lately.

Anyway, here's the quiz. Sure, it's kind of like those "100 things" or "five things" or whatever quizes, but hey, if you're still here reading this crap, then you're obviously interested.

Oh, and if you're still reading this Mrs. Weber, thanks for all of your hard work and I look forward to seeing you and Mr. Weber in September.

A If you were an ANIMAL, what would you be? I would be a Labrador Retriever. Or possibly a Hawk.

B BOOKS: What’s on your reading list? I am curretly reading Life Expectancy by Dean Koontz and a true crime story called "Cop" by a 21 year LAPD veteran.

C COMPULSIVE about anything? I am compulsive about being on time, my daughters obeying their parents and weighing 199 pounds. The last one's not yet been re-attained.

D DREAMS - Do you … dream in color? remember your dreams? keep a dream journal? I dream in color. I do remember some dreams but not all the time. And the only dream journal I would ever keep is if I wrote about them here.

E EATING - what’s your usual snack? My usual snack is either a Kashi bar (the greatest snack bar ever) or a mustard and swiss sandwhich.

F A Few of your FAVORITE Things: Taking pictures, cooking on my Big Green Eggs, pitching horseshoes, sitting next to my wife in bed while we both goof around on our laptops, having an early afternoon beer with friends at the beach, someday sleeping thru the night again.

G GIGGLES! What (or who) makes you laugh? Do you have a good sense of humor? I think I have a great sense of humor. My wife is, without question, the funniest person I know. My neighbor Stephen is the funniest son of a bitch I think I've ever met in person. Ever.

H major HOT Button: I fucking hate rude or blatantly inattentive drivers.

I I am fiercely protective of my friends and family.

K Also KNOWN As… Aliases? Screen names? A non de plume perhaps? Well, I wrote NASCAR columns around teh internets under the name Mark Backer for a few years. And my BGE screen name is Dos Huevos (Spanish for Two Eggs).

L I LOVE …My wife. More than anyone or anything on the planet.

M How do you feel about MEETING people? Do it all the time? Rarely? Parties or 1-on-1? I enjoy meeting people and do it often. I am horrific with names though. I've got neighbors that, I swear to God, it took me TWO YEARS to remember their names. Most folks that know me know that though, and I'm often mocked for it.

N What’s the story of your NAME? were you named after anyone? Do you go by a nickname? Any aliases? To the best of my knowledge, my name has no story. I'm not named after anyone that I know of. I only know that one time my dad looked me in the face and said "If you need any proof that I love you, know that I didn't name you Floyd Jr." I thought that was pretty cool of him.

O OBSERVANT - What’s around you right now? What do you see? A mess. My desk is always always always a mess. My wife has seizures when she visits my office. If we have "visitors" coming to the office, my desk warrants a special visit from the President to remind me to tidy up a bit.

Q Any Little QUIRKs About Yourself: I know the zip codes of the entire metro Atlanta area. I once had the theme from Indiana Jones and the song Rockytop in my head for over two years. Anytime a tune came out either by whistling or humming, it was one of those two.

R What do you like to do for RECREATION? Throw horseshoes, take pictures, go to the lake, play the mailbox game that I invented (along with my nephew and BIL).

S Do You SING in the Shower? In the car? For your friends? I never sing in the shower. My wife would stab me in the neck with a diffuser if I did that. I do sing LOUDLY in the car, and I also sing while mowing the lawn and working out. Those last two are covered up with my iPod, so the only folks that can hear me are the folks around me.

T What’s at the Top of your TO DO list?: Figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

U Any UNUSUAL Experiences: I had cardiac bypass surgery out of nowhere at age 37 just last November after being told by half a dozen doctors I was lucky to not have dropped dead of a heart attack in the previous six months.

V VEGAS,Vienna,Venice,Vladivostok… How far have you traveled? What’s your favorite City? I've been to Cancun, california, the midwest, the Bahamas and Jamaica. Nothing truly far away. My favorite cities are Hilton Head, SC and Boston, MA.

W WINTER, Spring, Summer, Fall… What’s your favorite season? My favorite season, without question, is Fall. Both for weather and sports.

X EXes - Things You Don’t Do Anymore (but did, once (would you, again?)) Eat absolutely shitty foods in enormous quantities whenever I felt like it. If there were no health risks or drawbacks, I'd do that again in a second.

Y Any secret/deep YEARNINGS? A son. And to win the lottery. But that last one isn't secret.

Z ZERO to ZENITH - Where are you in your life? Still growing? On an upward (or downward) curve? Just skating along? Right now I'm just sort of skating along. Since my surgery I don't take my career as seriously as I used to. Meaning I don't sweat the little stuff at work. My family and being alive matter more than anything else. Period. Everything else is window dressing.

A couple of photos for your viewing pleasure

2006-07-31T08:52:00.000-04:00

(I'd like it noted for the record that I've been trying to upload these five photos for over two hours, but can't complete them. Apparently blogger's got an elephant cock so far down it's throat that it can't make room for some uploaded pictures. I'll keep trying).

Photo posting update: We're now well into the fourth hour of blogger dot com not working worth a runny shit.

I can NOT wait to get moved to my own site.

Another update: It's now been five hours since I started trying to upload pictures. Fuck it. Here's a link to them:

photo 1

photo 2

photo 3

photo 4

photo 5

A little home movie

2006-07-30T14:09:00.000-04:00

We call this one "Drunken Tater Fight." Sorry it's so cruddy, but it's a cell phone movie.

One of the good people...

2006-07-29T16:45:00.000-04:00

My friend Ethel is participating in Blogathon 2006. That's where folks blog every 30 minutes minimum for 24 hours to raise money for a charity of their choice. Ethel is doing this to support our friend and fellow stalker Clare, so go check it out.

Oh, and she's the second funniest woman I know in real life, so it'll be worth it. Especially when she's lookpy and going on and on about Harry Connick Jr.'s ass.

The Ethel Experience

a blog from GBD

2006-07-28T15:28:00.000-04:00

Since GBD won't take the time out of her schedule to maintain her blog, I thought I'd post this here. This is the typical lazy day of a work-at-home-mom. Enjoy.

It's my day off, so I had a few errands to run. My main goal was to go to the tag office and renew my tags. (Believe it or not we are STILL dealing with issues from the trade-in on my old car due to the dealership). It's a long story and I won't bore you with the details - but I had to get a new tag and attempt to get an $85 credit from the DMV .

So after Sophia's nap we piled in the car and off we go.

As soon as I pull in the parking lot I hear "grunting" from the back. Yep - she pooped. There's the smell.

Ok, I change her in the car because I don't want to do it in the DMV. I took off my old license plate, got the girls situated and we went in.....to a HUGE line! Let's say 40 people in line and only 3 DMV workers.

To their credit they moved the line pretty fast. Of course we had "Jimmy talks A LOT and really LOUD" in front of us who wanted to carry on a conversation (like he didn't notice I had my hands full with the girls).

Anyway, we get to the window and I tell my story blah blah blah (at this point I'm just glad to be away from "sir talky". The lady is very nice, but I quickly realize this is going to take longer than I thought. I had called my insurance company prior to leaving because they had to make a correction in their system to show we never had a lapse in coverage (it was the dealership that turned in the wrong VIN number).

Of course, she didn't do what she said so now I'm on the phone at the window and the line behind me is growing and growing. Lauren is playing hopscotch in the color tiles on the floor and I'm trying to get her closer to me and away from the angry line.

Meanwhile, "Jimmy" hasn't shut up at the window across from us (seriously telling the DMV lady his life story which everyone can hear because he's so flipping LOUD). I finally got the insurance company to do what they needed to. Now the DMV lady needs to get a refund form (in triplicate, btw) but she can't put her hands on it, so she goes to ask someone else for one.

The line is now out the door (and it's 98 degrees outside) and I can hear the people moaning.

Sophia decides she is hungry so I attempt to give her some cheerios to hold her over. Of course now Lauren wants some cheerios and she is fighting Sophia for them . DMV lady comes back and says she can't find the form so she's called her supervisor back from her break and is waiting for her return. OMG the people in line are forming a lynch mob now.

"Jimmy" finally stops talking and is leaving the window and get this....everyone in line starts clapping - SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!! Ok, so he's bugging the crap out of everyone not just me - whew!

But now I have become "that person" in line who is taking way too long and they've all started to focus their attention on me. I pull the girls closer and try not to make eye contact with any of them. Then Lauren looks at me and says "Mommy I have to poopy really bad". I think this is where the twitching began.

I beg her to sit on the floor, dance, hold her bum, whatever it takes. No dice - she's gotta go right now. So the DMV lady says go ahead and take her while we are waiting for my supervisor. So I say "Ok, where are the bathrooms"? Right around the corner she said. Yeah, right around the corner from the angry mob!!!!!!!

So I'm running past everyone pushing Sophia in the stroller and pulling Lauren behind me. Lauren lost a flip flop and tried to stop and get it - but I kept pulling and said "just leave it we'll get it on the way back". We made it to the bathroom in one piece (minus a shoe) and I'm trying to explain to Lauren that she can't just sit there - she MUST push and get the poop out!

She made pretty good time and I was able to retrieve the shoe on the way back past the fire breathing mobsters. We return to the window and the supervisor is just walking up - whew!

Wait - who is screaming??? Oh, right - that's Sophia because now she is STARVING and the cheerios are gone. Ok, I can make a bottle with one hand, sign the form with the other and keep a close eye on Lauren - no problem. I talked Lauren into holding the bottle for Sophia while I filled out the forms.

About 45 minutes later we're done. I'm dripping sweat at this point - but I have my license plate in hand. Lauren is thirsty from all the cheerios but the water fountain is in the middle of the line so there was no way in hell I was sending her into the lions den. I ran out of there - got the girls in the car and put my plate on.

At this point, I've decided that I am NOT going to the grocery or to get my oil changed. I had already promised Lauren we would go to the car wash (one of those full service car wash places) because she LOVES watching our car go through, etc. Lucky me, the car wash place does oil changes and since I'm getting my car washed it's half price. So we go inside to wait and there it is.........that smell........that familiar stinky smell........ Sophia pooped AGAIN! But now I don't have my car to change her in so I take all of us to the bathroom in the car wash place. Of course there is no changing table so I attempt to change her in the umbrella stroller! Yeah, that went as well as you would think - NOT! Poop everywhere. Lauren is gagging from the smell and Sophia is laughing. They had a full length mirror on the wall and I looked up and just started LMAO! I looked horrible - the sweat is back, I have poop on my hands, I'm trying to stop Lauren from gagging and Sophia from falling out of the stroller.

Well Lauren is hungry and still thirsty - but luckily this place sells drinks and snacks. So I get her a slushy and a huge slim jim (gross I know - but she loves them). This place also has legos so now Lauren is set while we are waiting. I sit down and try to take a deep breath (but still can't do that). Then Lauren is spitting the slim jim out of her mouth saying HOT HOT HOT. Son of a bitch- I bought her a tabasco slim jim by mistake. So she's chugging her slushy (and cussing me under her breath I'm sure) while I go buy her a regular slim jim.

I'm waiting in line and I hear a crashing sound - Lauren had built a tower with the legos which have now fallen over and the legos are from one end of the place to the other. The twitching returns.

Now it's Sophia's nap time and it's taking FOREVER for them to detail the car. An hour later the car is ready (and so am I)! We get in and they moved Lauren's seat all the way forward. I have NO idea how to move it back. So she rode home with her knees in her eyes basically. My FIL calls me on the way home and as I'm talking to him Lauren yells "Mommy mommy - safety violation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WTF? I never buckled her in. Seriously. I had to pull over to the side of the rode to buckle her (trying to hide this safety violation from my FIL but trying to get off the phone at the same time).

Ok, we're home now and Sophia is sleeping. I think I'll go poop now. It's my turn....

A statement to all drivers with whom I share the roadways

2006-07-28T14:07:00.000-04:00

I need to get something off of my chest, so here goes.

For some time now, I've noticed that more and more drivers are driving very much like a bunch of blind, insane, 90 year-old asian women trying to eat a salad, talk on the phone, smoke, and put on make-up, and at the same time changing lanes whenever they feel like it, speeding up or slowing down for no reason, running lights, failing to yield the right of way, making U-turns anywhere they'd like, stopping in the middle of the road, diving in and out of HOV lane, dicing six lanes across traffic to make an exit in the last 100 feet, driving in the GOAR, cutting in and slamming on their brakes, making right turns from the left lane or left turns from the right lane, driving and passing in the emergency lane and racing up on the right side to pass one extra car before the lane ends at a brick wall, and many other specific offenses too numerous to mention.

To all of you selfish bastards, I say this:

You better watch the fuck out.

You see, for many many years I drove very VERY defensively. I was way poor. Not that I'm not poor now, but back then I was "buying sammich meat and milk at the gas station at 10 times its normal price just because they would take the credit card on which I could not afford to make the payments. Our two paid off cars were our only real assets and we were willing to do about anything to avoid having anything happen to them.

But you see, we are now a tick better off than back then. That is to say that I could make an insurance deductible payment without worry. And let me tell you, this reveleation should concern you a great deal.

I recently decided that I would take your nonsense no more.

Now, that's not to say that I am going to run around trying to issue Barney Fife-like citizen's arrests or any such nonsense. But I will take opportunities, when presented, to correct you.

I will honk and wave and talk clearly to you even in slow or stopped traffic. I will happily pull up next to you and ask if you've had some sort of cardiac episode that made you do that, or are you just retarded.

But what should worry those of you out there that break the golden rule of driving, which is passing me on the right in a lane that you know ends shortly, is this:

In times past, I would have eventually relented and let you in line for fear of damaging my precious vehicle. But now, I hate my car. Well, I don't hate it hate it, but I don't like it, and I want out of it. I don't care if you hit the right side of it. And I will drive you into that cement wall at the end of your lane rather than let you in front of me.

And do you know the best part? When the law arrives, it will have been your fault.

You see, your lane ends, and is marked by signage that it ends. That means that YOU have to yield to get in line, not that we have to yield to let you in line. YOU ARE THE ONE ASKING PERMISSION, NOT US!

Want in behind me? Fine. There's a spot right there. So many other motorists are so tired of that shit that you often see two, three and four of them nose to tail, literally bumper to bumper, refusing to let your dumb ass in line. It almost renews my faith in some of my fellow men. I and my fellow motorists have recently started acting as a unit, using an unspoken language of upwardly raised thumbs and wild gesticulating applause when we successfully leave you behind to try to merge from a dead stop in front of a wall instead of you being able to merge in behind us at a decent speed.

And why do they do this? Because they too believe that their time is just as valuable as the douchebags that try to skirt the law and generally use bad or no manners and act as bullies in 6,000 pound cars figuring that their aggressiveness will be accepted merely out of fear by their fellow motorists and taxpayers.

Remember the movie Billy Jack? Remember how he taught the kids at the school to take and take and take until eventually he couldn't take any more?

Well look out, folks. Billy Jack just came to town, and he's had about enough. Instead of taking off his hat and his shoes and quietly placing them on the park bench, he's sitting at an intersection in Gwinnett County near you in a Chevy Trailblazer and he's had about an assful of your nonsense.

Have a great weekend everybody.

Homemade IQ test

2006-07-28T13:55:00.000-04:00

I frequently read a blog by a guy named Ben. It's funny. He makes me laugh. Ethel (and others) think I have a man crush on him. To them I say "Who cares? Maybe I do. But as long as Ben's okay with it, then the rest of you can fuck off."

Actually, I say I don't and that I'm comfortable enough to say when a strange guy on the internet makes me laugh. Well, I don't know for sure that he's strange. But he's a stranger to me, or a Don't Know according to my daughter and John Walsh and the people from The Safe Side videos.

Anywho, here is something he came up with, along with my answers at the bottom (so you don't cheat).

Enjoy.

**********************

Today's useless tidbit is animal hearding. See if you can correctly guess what each group of animals is called when there are several of them together. Example: A pack of wolves.

Lions
Crows
Turkeys
Fish
Geese
Horses
Ants
Beavers
Hummingbirds
Hyenas
Jellyfish
Kangaroos
Leopards
Lizards
Crocodiles
Camels
Butterflies
Locusts
Hawks
Owls

We'll make the worth 10 points each, leading up to a possible score of 200 (clarified for those who might not do so well on normal IQ tests).

Yes, it would be very easy to just look the answers up on the internet, but seriously, give it a try before you do. Write down the answers before you open the comments box. No copying others!

Some groups have multiple answers. Answers will be posted on Friday. Let's do a prize too, shall we? Highest score gets a plug on my website, and I'll post on the subject of their choice for a day.

At the end of the day, this is the honor system. There's no money involved, so please be honest.

**********************

See? I hadn't even read the rest. Just answer in the comments and I'll pick a winner or write about a subject of your choice or post a nude photo of myself (a tasteful one of me washing the car or working out). Good luck!!

For the record...

2006-07-28T11:16:00.000-04:00

I've come to a conclusion regarding jokes and the telling of jokes.

Don't bother telling, sending, repeating, or even starting a joke with a real person in it. I'm not listening.

Politics have become contentious enough, and it's made it impossible to even enjoy jokes that start with:

"President Busch, Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton are on an airplane..."

The thing is, I know where this is going. It's dumb, predictable, low-brow and tired. And I'd say the same for a "Hillary, Bill and Monica check into a hotel" or "Ariel Sharon, Yassir Arafat and Ronald Reagan are at the Pearly Gates" or "Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan walk into a bar / are building a house / die in a plane crash" and so on.

They're not funny. Ever. And all they are is a chance for a cheap laugh with people of similar beliefs as you or to make fun of / browbeat someone whose beliefs differ from yours.

Now, if you want to see a couple of funny jokes, here are some. Be warned that funny to me might be call the cops unfunny to someone else. But if you've read this far, you know me and know for sure what you're in for.

Number One:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay,you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Number Two:

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

Number 3:

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am
today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma,
know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his
underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're
eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

Number 4:

A man comes home from work and sees his girlfriend's bags packed by the front door.

He says, "Where are you going honey?"

She replies "I'm leaving you, you fucker."

Shocked, he asks "But why?"

"I just found out that you're a pedophile! That's why!"

"Pedophile? That's a pretty big word for an eight year old."

Dad's night out

2006-07-28T10:20:00.000-04:00

Once a month, GBD goes out for MNO. No, it's not Men Need Oral. It's Mom's Night Out.

See, GBD is in a mom's group and has been since 1doh was a few months old, and once a month these broads get together for a meal and cocktails and probably bitch about their husbands.

Well, mine doesn't bitch about me because I'm perfect. But I'm sure the rest do.

Anyway, I'm always complaining about not having a Dad's Night Out. Granted, I don't actually complain about it to her, since if I was the one working at home with the kids, I'd have gone insane about 3 days after starting that job. Needless to say I appreciate her efforts and therefore I don't complain openly, TO HER, about MNO.

But I've always wanted there to be a DNO. UnkTodd and I talk about it often, and we agree there should be a DNO.

So last night, without UnkTodd, I decided to make a little DNO of my own.

See, my buddy Camp Cashion had his brother and sister-in-law in for the week, and I haven't seen them since the horseshoe tournament three or so years ago that saw their dog smacked with a wayward horseshoe. It was the dog's fault by the way, and he ended up with a $500 root canal.

So since I missed the Sunday grill out and bullshit session, I decided it'd head over there last night or a few beers and fellowship.

Well I had a few beers and enjoyed some fellowship, getting bitten by their "gentle" bird, getting my toe split open by a very excited Huc k, and then the sad realization that regardless of how many beers I had, it was Thursday and not Friday night, so I had to go home and get sleep so I could get up for work today. That realization sucked donkey balls.

It was also nice to see former BDL teammate Waller again. I further enjoyed seeing a BonCash unfettered by childcare responsibilities and in the comfort of her own home socially without the responsibility of a post festivities drive. If you get a chance to sit with BonCash for a few minutes when she's got a buzz, do it. It's totally worth it.

That said, these are some things I enjoy:

* Beers with friends, both new and old.
* Talking about the finer points of "The Brazilian" with an actual Brazilian. Oh, and I learned something, by the way. I was told that it means to be hairless from "the anus to the clitoris." (Her words, not mine). Yet that description was followed by a gesturing and a repeat saying "hairless to here," and the gesture ended at the belt buckle.

I've got news for you. If THAT'S where the man in the boat resides, then I've been looking in the COMPLETELY wrong place for that little bastard.

* Proving to someone that their bird is not harmless by letting him bite me in the fucking finger.
* Seeing little girls with suntans and eggshell white bums getting out of the tub. Mine, the Cashion's, whomevers. They are just cute enough to make you burst into flames.
* The laughter of any kids under five when you hold them over your head. It's funny, but they ALL go insane with laughter when you do that.
* Talking about and seeing photos of CampCashion's BIL's new house, to be moved into in mid-August. THAT is going to be goodtime central fo shizzle my bizzle.
* And mostly, just the easiness of hanging out with true friends. There might not be anything better in the whole wide world.

2006-07-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

Here's one that made me laugh, until I got the results:

You Are: Stan

You are Stan. You live a very sad life. That is why you try to flex every little bit of power you have over others. Maybe you were always picked last in gym class or they guy who always stood by the door at parties. Whatever the reason you have a chip on your shoulder and can't let it go even though it keeps you from achieving any amout of success in this world.

Dorktown: Population - me

2006-07-28T09:10:00.000-04:00

Here's a quiz that I made up for you. If you like it, send it to someone that knows me. If you don't like it, my wife made me

My morning

2006-07-27T10:29:00.000-04:00

So today, after inadvertantly putting it off for months, I had an appointment to have my cholesterol, lipids and other stuff checked via blood test for my cardiologist.

I like early appointments and I select them over mid-day ones if I can help it. I cannot STAND missing 3 hours of work sitting in a Doctor's office lobby in the middle of the day. When I have my regular cardiologist appointments, I make them for 7am so it's over and it doesn't waste half the day.

So this morning, the earliest appointment was 8am, so I took that. I got there at 7:30am just to be safe and assure my place in line as FFTGS (First Fucker To Get Seen). I LOVE being FFTGS. That's how I roll.

This gives me the chance to enjoy some banter with the ladies at the counter / check-in area. Halfway thru my sign-in, which included my agreement that you shouldn't be charged a co-pay if you're getting poked with a needle, one of the ladies says "you're only 38 and you've had bypass?"

So I give the 45 second answer, complete with my having formerly been a needlepuss, but now I'm very brave thanks to friendly but pro-needle pricky folks at their practice and at St. Joseph's of Atlanta. I even told the "I fainted giving blood for my marriage license" story, which they all loved.

Anyway, at 8am all the lab patients get called to a sub-waiting room with no televisions, and we all sit down. That is until one woman says "Have any of you done this before?"

I figure she's scared, so I say "I have, but not here. It's no big deal. I've had a bypass."

She replies "No. I mean here. See, that paper they gave you? If you don't all put that in the basket over there, you'll never get called."

By the way, the sign behind the basket said (in all caps) PLEASE PUT PAPERWORK FACE-DOWN IN BASKET.

So we all do that, and for the sake of courtesy, we let her go first. I went second.

It proceeds to take roughly 15 minutes to call the first person, and another 13 to get her blood draw done. Since I had to fast since midnight last night, I am now officially starving to death. Literally. I have had two quarts of water while in the lobby hoping to fool my system into thinking I'm full, but all it knows is that I've got to pee again and risk missing my turn by not being there when the nurse calls my name.

Nevertheless, I pee again, and get back (the second time) at 8:27am. My name is called at 8:29am and I hustle in, ask her for an arm preference to which she replies "either."

I give her the right arm, she looks, pokes, and is done in seconds. I was literally in my car at 8:31am.

On the way thru the way back thru the lobby, the same three gals looked up and more or less in unison shouted "HEY!! You didn't faint!!! Have a great day!"

Nice.

Before I left yesterday, my boss had said "See you around ten." I had told my boss in return that if I was here a second past 9am I'd be pissed.

I'll have you know that I was at the elevator...I mean the stairs...at 8:58am and if I hadn't fielded a call in the lobby that I didn't want to drop by walking into the elevator, I'd have been at my desk at 9am.

Thumb's up to me.

Well folks, the time is drawing near

2006-07-26T15:44:00.000-04:00

After doing a good deal of research (and stealing from my friend Ethel), I believe I have selected the person to help me migrate from blogger dot com to wordpress to the blog's ultimate home:

(drum roll please)

w w w . t m l s b . c o m

That's right people. In the very near future, this site will undergo a MASSIVE facelift that will include a cleaner look, new features (for both you readers and myself), and a few bells and whistles along the way.

Stay tuned and check back frequently. Cuz when it drops, it's gonna be dope.

Word.

2006-07-26T08:27:00.000-04:00

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

My local police blotter

2006-07-25T07:51:00.000-04:00

By registering thru some country-provided website, I am able to enjoy the daily police intake records from my area (complete with accompanying photos).

Now, 99.99% of the time, you don't know who they are or where exactly they live. But I will say that the .01% of the time that you either know them or of them or their situation, it's exponentially funny. One example of this is the step daughter of someone I know that's 21 getting busted for possession of meth and coke while in the company of a meth and coke head 56 year old loser, all while on probation. Another example is the dumb fucker on my nephew's football team who is 18, despite being in tenth grade. He was recently busted for burglary, which I believe stemmed from either breaking into cars or basements. He was also (more than a little) suspected of absconding with almost every cell phone, wallet or ipod left unattended in the locker room over the last two years.

Oh, there's another good example where three aspiring MENSA members were busted for breaking into houseboats at Lake Lanier and stealing plasma televisions and similar electronic equipment. Now, these are kids who most assuredly couldn't keep their parents from catching them masturbating, but suddenly they think they are starring in Mission Impossible 4: committing felonies as teenagers and not getting caught either by the law or running their yaps (This is still a working title by the way).

Anyway, today's entries made me laugh and I will share them with you with descriptions and charges (but no names or addresses. That'd be rude). I will list the charges and then show the pictures, and you try to guess which person was charged with what:

(edit to add: I would have posted this in a much fancier method if blogger dot com didn't suck giant elephant balls and was able to post photos once in a blue fucking moon).

Which one do you think was charged with possession of marijuana and which one was charged with DUI and failure to maintain his lane?

(Quite frankly, I think the second guy might have also had a failure to maintain his position in the vehicle or a failure to maintain a shut freaking pie hole when talking with a law enforcement officer).

I mean, look at the second guy. I've seen better bandagings done by six year olds on cats. It looks like someone took a handful of Subway napkins out of a glove compartment and slapped them on his bloody head.

Remember the movie 9 1/2 Weeks?

2006-07-24T09:22:00.000-04:00

Well, you're not gonna like this then. Here's a recent photo of film "star" and "professional" boxer Mickey Rourke.

Holy crap, people. This is the guy that all the girls were damp over just under two decades ago. Whatever happened to the dreamy and mysterious guy from Wild Orchid or Angel Heart? This guy didn't age gracefully at all. He didn't start looking mor eand more dignified. He turned into a combination of Mickey Rooney and Doctor Evil.

Oh, and when I googled him to see what movies he'd been in, I got this story:

Hollywood star MICKEY ROURKE has an unusual way of dealing with his anger - he cuts off his finger. The actor was taken to hospital and had to endure eight hour surgery to save his finger. Rourke is no stranger to violence, he trained as a boxer in his youth and took a five year break from his acting career to take the sport up professionally. The eccentric star says, "I cut my little finger off because I thought I didn't want it. I was angry about something so I decided I didn't need the end of the little finger on my left hand. "I didn't cut it off completely - it was still hanging on a tendon - and an English friend, GARY, carefully carried the end of it as we went to hospital to try to rectify the situation. It took the surgeon eight hours to sew it back on. I still can't bend it properly."

Ummm....what? He "thought he didn't want" his little finger?

Jesus Christ, dude. That's screwed up.

Oh, and while I was looking and reading this story, I found a few more fabulous pictures.

Here's one of Mickey wearing God knows what staring at Brittney Murphy's moneymaker.

Here's Mickey doing his best to look like Karl Lagerfeld.

And here's one of Mickey looking like a corpse.

When is Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man 2 coming out anyway?

A little photo essay

2006-07-23T14:14:00.000-04:00

Yes, it was after moving around 300 bags of charcoal, but this is how bad my psoriasis has gotten in the past two weeks. I'm already finding another dermatologist and hoping this one will be a tic more aggressive.

An oldie but a goodie

2006-07-21T14:37:00.000-04:00

(I posted this in January, but I only had two readers then, and I already know my mom's answers to this).

I was working on the laptop of a guy at my office and we were talking during the "work," when he said something like "How many jobs have you had?"

"A lot," I replied.

"I've had a lot too," he said.

I always thought that I'd had a lot of jobs. Then he proceeded to show me a list of all of his jobs. He is a little older than me (maybe five years), but his list of jobs was extensive.

See, since I was 25 years old, I've only had two jobs. But between 13 and 25 years of age, I had jobs o' plenty.

And that got me thinking. How many jobs have I actually had?

And the thing about looking back and trying to remember jobs is that it's similar to trying to recount or remember sexual partners (I assume). A job / person or two always gets overlooked.

Anyway, just to get the ball rolling, I am going to list jobs that I had over the years to the best of my recollection. If at some point I remember more, I will simply copy and paste the old list into a new entry and add the recently recalled job.

Enjoy everybody!

(I am going from most recent to oldest as best I can).

Hardwood Lump Charcoal Sales and Distribution
Catering
Computer Systems Consultant
Network Administrator for world's largest condom manufacturer
IT Tech Support rep for worst RF equipment manufacturer in America
Customer Service rep for Primerica Life Insurance
Telemarketer (for about 30 minutes)
Customer Service Manager for phone-based job listings search company
customer service rep for 800 and 900 number service provider
Bouncer and Waiter for Atlanta sports bar
Customer Service Rep for Mitsubishi in Irvine, California
Customer Service Rep for Toshiba in Irvine, California
Bouncer and Waiter for Atlanta sports bar
Waiter at Buckhead Mellow Mushroom
AP clerk for the IRS in Atlanta
Stocker for Turtles records and tapes
Pizza kitchen and appetizer"chef" at Denaro's Restaurant in Auburn, AL
Pizza Delivery guy for Morton's Pizza in Auburn, AL
Shift Supervisor / area designer for Pizza Hut Delivery
Stock boy at Bargaintown in Opelika, AL
Landscaper / shrub planter / pinestraw spreader
Order taker at Pizza Hut delivery
Busboy at Fuddruckers in Atlanta
Runner / cleanup guy at J.C. Penny's in Atlanta
Bagboy at Kroger in Atlanta
Dishwasher at Mario's Italian Ristonrante
Dishwasher at Swenson's Ice Cream in Atlanta

I think that might be it. Actually, I'm fairly certain that's not it at all, but until I hear from someone who hired me or fired me or laughed when they heard about either, this'll be the list.

How about you? How many jobs have YOU had? Can you list them?

This just came to me in the breakroom.

2006-07-21T08:02:00.000-04:00

It's not often a reasonably funny joke comes to you, or at least it doesn't happen that often to me. I mean, I think of funny stories, but not Sheckie Green like jokes. But I did today while selecting an item from the complimentary tray our company provides us.

I like my women like I like my bagels.

The smaller the hole the better.

Now, it's not laugh out loud funny, but it's not horrid either.

Happy Friday everybody!!

I heart psoriasis

2006-07-21T07:20:00.000-04:00

For those who aren't down with reveling in someone's complaining about a skin condition, feel free to either hit the "Next Blog" button or just type Storm Large into Google to see this Rockstar: Supernova contestant's prior "work."

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's get on with it.

Until one year ago this past May, I didn't know how to spell psoriasis or even what it was. Hell, I'm not reallly sure that I know what it is today. I only know that I have it.

Actually, I knew a guy growing up whose father had it (I believe). I know he always had medicine on his arms from his elbows to his wrists and if I am recalling correctly, it was quite similar to what I am enjoying today.

First of all, Psoriasis is NOT contageous. I know that folks don't know / believe that (since when they see it, most don't know what it is), and I know that when people see what it looks like on the hands and / or elbows of someone that they don't know, they look long and hard before ultimately taking a wide berth.

This disease is one of the more mysterious chronic, non-lethal diseases that there are. No one really knows where it comes from, whether it's genetic or not or what causes it, and there is no cure for it.

According to webmd, psoriasis is:

"Psoriasis is a chronic skin condition that causes skin cells to grow too quickly, resulting in thick, white, silvery, or red patches of skin. The patches range in size from small to large and typically occur on the knees, elbows, scalp, hands, feet, or lower back. Psoriasis is most common in adults, although children and teens may be affected.

Normally, skin cells mature gradually and are shed about every 28 days. New skin cells replace outer layers of the skin surface that are shed or sloughed off during normal daily activity. In psoriasis, skin cells do not mature but instead move rapidly up to the surface of the skin over 3 to 6 days and build up, forming the characteristic patches (plaques).:

What this means in layman's terms (without the benefit of a digital camera while I am writing this) is that I have what looks like moderate to severe poison ivy on my wrists, elbows and the bottom of my forearms. It's also on the tops of my toes and my knees to some extent, but not like my fingers and forearms. There is also some peeling and flaking on either side of my nose and in my eyebrows.

Oh, and the palms of my hands look like they are either healing from severe burns or a serious sunburn, complete with peeling after the blistering has subsided.

The other bad part is that my hands are so dry that, even in the summer, the peel, crack, split and even bleed. The webbed portions between my fingers hurts second only to the deep tears in the center of my palms. If I were my friend Robert, I could say that I was the second coming of Christ and that the palm injuries were merely healing from the crucifiction, but I don't think that would fly with most folks.

I had been dealing with what I thought was just regular old dandruff since college, and it's been irregular in its frequency and severity over the years. At least until recently.

About 18 months ago, folks I knew pretty well (including friends and family) started asking me about my elbows and suggesting things like loofas and special steroid creams and such. Finally, my SIL referred me to a dermatologist who looked at me for about .00001 seconds before saying:

"You have psoriasis. There is no cure, and anything we treat it with will eventually be rendered useless due to the fact that the psoriasis morphs and becomes resistent to treatments. We will continually rotate treatments for the rest of your life, up to and including daily injections that you will have to give yourself, not unlike those received by a diabetic."

Wait. Do you mean that at some point, I will have to give myself daily shots for this? Me? The guy that passed out giving blood for his fucking marriage license?

Sweet Christ.

Another fabulous side effect of this disease is this: Psoriatic arthritis. I didn't even know about this until the last few weeks. I just thought my knees hurt from working out vigorously. But the husband of a friend informed me otherwise. He's my age, has psoriasis, and deals with the same symptoms, including the arthritis.

From webmed again:

"Psoriatic arthritis is a form of arthritis that sometimes develops in people who have a skin condition called psoriasis. It causes swelling and pain in joints—most often in the fingers and toes—in an irregular pattern that may be different on opposite sides of the body.

Treatment for psoriatic arthritis includes pain medication, patient education, and physical and occupational therapy. Severe cases may require more powerful medication called disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs (DMARDs) or steroid injections."

So, in addition to treating the psoriasis with shots, I could end up having to get steroid injections? You know....steroids. The things that make people angry, sleepless, bald, and make their dicks small?

Perfect.

Is there anything else?

Oh yeah. It can be made worse by stress (stressed? Me?), drinking alcohol (don't even say it), and beta-blockers, which are common treatment tools for cardiac patients.

Wow. Why not say that folks that like NASCAR and eating bbq from the Big Green Egg will get it too?

So there it is, folks. When you see me, that's what's on my hands and elbows and the backs of my hands and knuckles. Know that I not only hate it, but I am more than a little self-conscious about it.

"So what's the upside?" you might ask.

First, salt water and sunlight are great for it. I asked if I could be medically required to move to Hilton Head, but he said no. I have been told that I need to hit the tanning bed a couple three times a week, which while a tick gay-sounding, probably wouldn't be terrible.

The other upside? That's easy. In discussing the "condition" with my cardiologist yesterday, I came to the quick realization that it was better to be alive and heart-healthy with psoriasis than to be dead, leaving a widow and two fatherless children and NOT having psoriasis.

My pity party is over folks. Look all you want. I couldn't care less. Hell, wince if you must. But know that I am thrilled to be alive to see you recoil at my condition.

Today was my six month checkup

2006-07-20T14:56:00.000-04:00

with my caridiologist.

Actually, it was my 8 month checkup, and it was with some other cardiologist and not my own. I am beginning to believe that my actual cardiologist was either a figment of my imagination or Batman. Either way, he's someone I haven't seen I let him stick some tube in my groinal area and poke around in my heart like a kid putting a fork in a wall socket.

I got there half an hour early, was first to be called and had to wait because the doctor I was seeing was late. Go figure.

My blood pressure was 117 over 77, my resting heart rate has gone from 93 bpm to 63 bpm since I last saw someone and my weight is at 208. Oh, my turn-offs are rainy days, girls that smoke and litter. My turn ons are sunny days, girls that read and girls that have a good sense of humor. Oh wait. They also need to have nice tits.

I also asked if I would have to be treadmilling at any future date as a result of this surgery and I was assured that as long as I was doing 4ish miles a day five to six days a week on my own, there'd be no need for that now or in the immediate future.

I do have to go back next Thursday to get my cholesterol checked, but other than that, it's like it never really happened.

Well, that's not true. the fact that I now keep the region cleanly shaven is a direct result of the two procedures. And as Dr. Evil likes to say, "There's nothing quite like the sight of a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, really."

Happy Thursday everybody.

Hey!!

2006-07-19T15:59:00.000-04:00

Guess who sat up all by herself for the first time on her 8-month birthday?

Give up?

2Doh did!!

So who's the dumbass exactly?

2006-07-19T13:51:00.002-04:00

Well that depends on whom you ask.

If you ask me, I'll tell you it's the mindless twit following me thru BJ's today kicking his cart's under basket thingy with every single fucking step throughout the entire store.

If you ask anyone else at BJ's, they'd tell you that the real dumbass was the dumbass that left a case of Bud Select bottles on the bottom basket thingy of his cart as he deposited it into the cart return and headed back to his office.

Who was that, you might wonder?

Me. That's who.

Stupid farktard that I am.

Oh, I went back and did find it. The other wandering idiots had missed a case of beer sitting in the bottom of a cart right by the front door of the store.

: )

Summertime Funtime

2006-07-19T09:45:00.000-04:00

Remember those hot summer days when you were a kid and you'd be following your mom around the house saying "I'm bored...I'm bored...I'm bored...I'm bored?"

Well, that's been 1Doh's mantra as of late. So today, GBD helped her alleviate that problem. Check out Casa de 1Doh, complete with bed for stuffed animals and an arts and crafts area where she can create works of art to decorate the casa and for daddy to bring to work.

What would we do without kids?

2006-07-19T08:52:00.000-04:00

Besides sleep!

Yesterday, despite looking for every excuse imagineable to get out of working out, I did it anyway. I did 4.2 miles and felt great during and afterwards for the first time in a while. I have taken to wearing five pound wrist weights and doing punches and shoulder rolls and wide arcs and stuff just trying to increase the flexibility in my chest. There's still a spot from where they harvested the artery that hurts like shit after I work out, and I think it's because I haven't focused on it enough.

Anyway, we (and by that I mean GBD) finally got every load of laundry washed, dried, folded and put away. I think it was close to 20 loads. How absurd is that? I mean, people shouldn't have 20 loads worth of clothes period, but 20 loads of dirty clothes is beyond the pale.

So after doing some photo uploads to flickr.com, I showered and settled in for a little Rockstar: (non) Supernova. I can't even discuss how bad this is right now. I will get into that another time.

For the third night in a row, the itches came. Not like the last two nights, but it was still there, so I took two Benadryl and hoped for blissful slumber.

How wrong I was.

On my way down to get said Benadryl, I bumped into 1Doh leaving her room after ending her streak of going one night in a row without wetting her bed. She's just switched to sleeping in underpants and no pull up, and she's not doing badly. Besides, 10:30pm is WAY better than 3am for that stuff.

But I got to change the pee-proof sheets (hush Budgyrl), start a load of wash, re-make the bed and find some acceptable pj's and underpants. Oh, and she wanted water. Man, I hate the battle of "no, you better not have water, lest ye pee agai."

2Doh woke up to eat around 11:30 and hit the rack again around midnight. Then she got up at 4:30am or so for some ibuprofen and some snuggling, after which I put her back to bed and slept another 40 minutes.

Sometimes it feels good to get some work where I can get some real rest.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show, Day 2

2006-07-18T07:47:00.000-04:00

Well yesterday was good but finished on a not particularly high note. When I got home yesterday, there were several tasks of equally high importance that had to be completed. They were as follows:

- Find the Nikon 18-55mm lens that was to be returned RMA since it is a duplicate of a lens I already have instead of the 22-70mm lens it was supposed to be.

- Locate the Nikon battery charger.

- Find my family crest ring that was misplaced sometime during the evening on Saturday after we arrived home from Casa de BIL across the street.

- Fold approximately eleven jumbo sized loads of laundry.

- Locate my new voter registration card

I know that last one sounds absurd, but we've been swamped lately and quite frankly, GBD absolutely abhors folding laundry. I'm pretty sure she'd rather service me daily than think about folding laundry, so I told her that I would fold if she would have it washed and in our room instead of stacked to the ceiling in the laundry room.

How bad was the laundry pile? There were two of my bathing suits in it, and we haven't been to the pool in three weeks. YIKES!!

Oh, and I also had to workout so as to stay on pace and get back into the swing of my evening workout regimen so I can knock off the last 11 pounds that will bring me to a BMI of 24.8 and within the "Average" range.

Oh, and we had an air conditioner repairman scheduled to come by between 4pm and 6pm since for some reason recently, we have been unable to keep the house below 80 degrees.

First off, the lens was located in my office, and I immediately decided that a cleanup was in order since I could probably lose one if the kids in there. The Man Room / My office has turned into the nook where everyone throws shit they don't want out right now, but it makes my secret space look like a flop house for crackheads.

Next up was the charger, which was in a kitchen drawer all along, but well hidden under a few pot-holders. (Nice searching on my part).

The ring upset me pretty bad as it was an anniversary present from GBD from many years ago, and it is, without question, my most cherished gift from her. I searched every sofa, chair, and bed as well as under all of the aforementioned furniture. I looked under cabinets, in coolers, at the BIL's house (twice), in Chewy's car, and even searched the laundry basket and every pocket (or so I thought) of every item of clothing in it.

After not finding it (again), I began to feel despondent. Then, GBD marches upstairs, is gone 10 minutes and comes back down with my ring. It was in the lower right pocket of the cargo shorts I wore Saturday. Apparently the only pocket I didn't search was that one.

So the day was looking up now. The AC guy found the primary problem (dirt building on the outside units and low freon) and fixed both issues for $387. He did inform us that the upstairs coil was leaking and that unfortunately it couldn't be fixed since no one made 10 SEER units anymore.

Yay.

A replacement unit will run around $2,500 installed, so I guess I know what TMSB project Spring 2007 will be.

But right now it's all good. The vents are reading 55 degrees when on, meaning a differential of 25 degrees, which is awesome. The repair dude said he just hoped it made it through this year and we'd do what we have to before next summer rolls around. Time to start getting quotes.

I did 4.25 miles last night and feel much better, although my weight doesn't quite reflect it. I got back up to 211 this weekend, which meant I gained 6 pounds in two days, which I find absurd. I think it's probably water, but it could be beer too. Gotta lay off that stuff for a while.

After my workout at 9:05pm, I started folding and didn't finish until nearly 10:30pm, and that's when the itching started again. Not on my legs and arms like last time, but my face, neck and chest were killing me. I finally took some liquid benadryl and used some benadryl spray on them around 11pm and by around midnight I was able to get to sleep. I feel an OCEAN better than yesterday, the pending AC / Furnace replacement bill notwithstanding. Hopefully it won't happen today, otherwise we're gonna have to start eliminating options like rewashing all clothes in different detergent or something.

After her first dry night all the way thru on Sunday night, 1Doh had a small misfire this morning, but thankfully we have two sets of the dry sheets and since I wasn't using a set at the time, the backup set was ready to put on her bed in a few seconds. Hopefully this will end somewhat quickly and she'll be pretty reliable about not peeing in bed before long.

Today's election day in Georgia and elsewhere, and since I located my card (thanks GBD), I'll be stopping to vote on the way home. I won't say who I am voting for, but I am NOT voting for Mark "Big Guy" Taylor or Ralph Reed. Douchebags, both of them, as far as I'm concerned.

I was not shocked to hear that low turnouts are expected, but I was surprised at the reason:

The Heat.

Apparently it's just too fucking hot to vote.

Can someone explain to me why this is the case? The room where you vote is air conditioned. It's not like waiting in line for Stones Tickets at the venue. A nice senior citizen will lead you inside and you can stand amidst the modern comfort of central air waiting for your turn to show your gas bill or some linens N' Things coupon as your proof of identification. What's so tough about that? I wish this country handed out $100 fines to every person over 18 that didn't vote. Talk about a good cash generator.

I'm also happy to see Israel kicking some ass finally and Bush and Blair supporting the effort and blaming the folks responsible. Hezbollah and the governments of Lebanon and Syria and Iran that are state sponsors of these terrorist pricks. If Israel threw a nuke out there, I wouldn't care at all. The time for passive aggressiveness is over, and it's time to right a 27 year old wrong in Iran, and maybe THAT would let Syria, Lebanon and the rest of these fuckers know that we were serious about putting an end to this sociopathic behavior.

Wow. This entry went from folding laundry to world politics. How amazing is that?

One more thing. I don't care if Bush said "shit" over a hot mic on semi-live television. I don't even really care that Fox bleeped it but CNN didn't. I am curious if Bush or the White House will have a huge fine levied against them by the FCC since cuss words over the airwaves apparently hurt and / or kill children and baby kittens.

Shalom for now everybody. Hopefully I'll get some new pictures up tonight, including Saturday's white trash entertainment that saw 1Doh and Nephew 2Doh slip and sliding in the yard wearing a trash bag. You know, to decrease friction and thusly increase speed and distance at the end of the run.

Duh.

The new funniest man alive

2006-07-17T14:08:00.000-04:00

Let me tell you a story about my neighbors. I won't give their names, but I will refer to them as Mikka and Chewy.

Mikka is a slender blonde mid-twenties medical sales rep and chewy is a 30ish something sales rep. They both went to an SEC school and are sports fans.

It's been almost two years now since Mikka and Chewy moved in down the street. We were cordial early on but weren't sure if we'd like them or not, them being younger DINKS with whom we might not have much in common.

Then, over the last six months or so, we started talking with them more and more and having them up for cocktails and daytime cooks on the weekend and such, and we've gotten to be fairly close. We've had some really good times with them and are glad we became friends.

Well, after the first few meetings, we got a hint about the real Chewy and his warped sense of humor, and I was thrilled. Chewy is willing to say hideously inappropriate things at precisely the right time, and he's one of the few people that can make me laugh out loud.

Well, Saturday night we went out for dinner and drinks for GBD's birthday, and then we headed back to the BIL's place for drinks and a game of TMLSB bashing trivia where I am forced to be on the women's team and GBD on the men's because we often are opposite on the spectrum of gender specific trivia. I know a lot of chick stuff and my wife can be one of the guys better than about anyone else's wife.

After that it was back to our house for late night messiness. We stayed up WAY too late but had a bunch of laughs, until finally it was time to go according to Mikka.

She looked at her husband and said something to the effect of "It's really late and it's time to go."

Chewy responded immediately without considering who was there and said, "Young lady, you've just earned yourself a little anal."

And she just shook her head with a sly little grin as if he'd done nothing more than told an off-color joke or had burped or something.

I nearly wet my pants laughing at that. I will do my best to document some more of his shenanigans.

p.s. After they got home, Mikka looked at Chewy and said "You can't say stuff like that, or they're going to think I'm a whore."

Chewy replied "You have to be comfortable with who you are, honey. You ARE a whore."

Just knowing her and that that conversation occurred has had me laughing all day.

oh the humanity

2006-07-17T13:57:00.000-04:00

Last night I was having trouble sleeping, which is odd because beers and Mexican food generally put me into a coma by 9pm.

Actually, I had no trouble falling asleep, but I started itching on my arms and chest sometime around midnight. Then it was my stomach, legs (upper and lower), as well as my feet, back, neck and face.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and got up around 2:30am to have a look. I could find no bug bite marks or anything like that, but I was clearly having an episode of some sort. i then went benadryl hunting in the kitch. I found the cream which, didn't work out well since applying it caused me to itch more since rubbing it on was kind of like scratching anyway. The wife came down and helped me find the liquid and ran me a bath of baking soda and water which is also supposed to help with hives and the likes.

So I got in the tub and CHRIST THIS IS COLD!! Turns out we had no hot water for some damn reason, so now I'm sitting in a tub of cold baking soda water waiting for the benadryl to kick in.

Oh, and then 2Doh got up for some food. Yay.

We watched dateline until around 3:30am when I finally fell asleep. My alarm went off at 5:10 like usual and GBD said "I don't want you leaving yet. Just stay in bed a while longer and we'll see where we're at with this."

I reluctantly agreed and went back to sleep...

UNTIL 8:30!!

My itching was gone but I was still in the clutches of a Benadryl fog which I fought enough to get to work by the crack of 10am.

A sidenote here. I now understand why so many people come to work late. It rules!! Getting here at 6:10am blows when you could roll in at 9:45am, go to lunch in two hours and then screw around and leave at 5pm. I may have to rethink my schedule.

Anyway, as of this writing I still feel a bit foggy in the brain which always irritates me. It feels like the back end of a percocet high. But hopefully I'll be 100% when I get home to:

1) help with the kids
2) fold laundry
3) find my camera lens to be returned
4) find my camera battery charger
5) find my ring that got lost in the house sometime saturday night
6) anything else that comes up.

Whew. I think I'm gonna go lay down under the conference room table.

Ask me anything: The results.

2006-07-15T09:01:00.000-04:00

I play on a racing messageboard in some of my spare time (and some of my work time, but don't tell anybody). I've made some cyber-friends there as well as real in person ones (see Ethel), and it's generally a good time for all (trolls not included).

Well recently one of the founders, MrsCableracer, started a thread called "Ask me anything," and people did. Then, my friend Ethel did one as well, which inspired me to plagiarize the idea for myself, and the only difference was that I stated that I would prefer not to be asked rhetorical questions like "Does the Pope shit in the woods?" or "Why is there air?"

Anyway, after about a week of this, I thought I'd post the results here. Hope you enjoy them.

Nuggie99 wrote:

When are you going to make GBD post to her blog?

you know, there are many questions about that. Number one, our family website hasn't been updated since 2Doh was about 11 minutes old.

second, she made me help her do that and help her pick a name so she could comment, and now she doesn't.

third, since we got her the laptop, or as I call it, the mixed blessing, she spends 99% of her free time on it working on her own messageboard.

(luckily for her, sex with me requires only a portion of her remaining time, so I'm not really all that inconvenienced). It leaves me free to play xbox and mess with my camera and talk to you guys.

Wrangler#3 wrote:

When are you paying me back the 100G's you never borrowed from me?

If you really knew me at all, you'd know that the only thing you could borrow from me is debt. I've got plenty for everybody.

TazChick29 wrote:

I read where you imbibed last weekend...Which of the Cs did you pee on? Couch, corner, closet, clothes?

first of all, I imbibe every weekend. I am willing to do many things for my health: quit smoking, exercise, take vitamins, eat better, etc., but I'm not giving up one of my favorite hobbies: drinking socially.

That said, surprisingly enough, all four C's were intact and, more importantly, dry each morning last weekend. Must be all the clean living I'm doing.

Oh, if I were to have taken bets though, I'd have bet on C: my (office) CHAIR.

BUDGYRL wrote:

Why are you such a copy ?

1) I'm very insecure. Always have been. This seems like a way to get people to play with me.

2) It's a cool idea. I meant to do it after Mrs. C. did, but I forgot. I was probably busy peeing somewhere.

3) There aren't really all that many original ideas left for guys whose last names aren't Cuban or Gates or something. My last name's Berger and I'm a dumbass.

black3 wrote:

What is Po Po Zao?

Po Po Zao is, according to teh internets:

Popozao is written as one word and with a tilde over the 'a' like this: Popozão. It comes from Rio Funk slang and just means 'large, yummy ass'. A woman endowed with a Popozão is called a Popozuda. (Google image search link). Theoretically, a man would be a Popozudo but, arguably, large asses on men aren't yummy.

Po Po Zao is a song that, thru no talent or skill of the author or performer, will make him money, mostly since people like ethel buy it as a joke. Remember, people have been elected like this.

Ethel wrote:

1. When are you going to work on getting yourself a tivo?
B. What the hell is that smell?
3.1415927. Who will be booted off Rockstar tonight?
Three and a half. Why do I still call it Rockstar: INXS?
Fore. What color undies am I wearing?

1. No tivo should be this hard to get. It's cheaper to just get one.
ii: i just farted at my desk. How'd you know?
Pi: i don't know, but I hope it's that evanonsense girl.
5-1.5: Because apparently rockstar supernova is about to be against the law to use since the band still exists (a punk band that's still making records in socal)
foe: trick onne, but I'm gonna say red. but soon that'll be none since you'll be at home posting nude or at least pantyless.

chopper pilot wrote:

How do you get the tilde over the letters?

Why do you look so angry in that red room?

I have no idea about tildes beyond using MSWord.

I have no idea, but it's pretty cool how that came out.

BUDGYRL wrote:

Why is it that certain coworkers walk into my cube to look at my screen when it's purpously hidden so those coworkers won't be so damn nosey?

Why can I not remember the correct spelling of certain words no matter what I do?

Why is there a coworker standing directly outside my office staring into space and when will she stop?

a: I don't know, but I think it's worse to occasionally misspell a word like I do with maintenance about half the time.

2: I hate that. I intentionally face my display inward to avoid that issue, and folks still do it. When that happens, I just close the lid.

Nine_Cats wrote:

Why is BUDGYRL asking so many questions instead of working on her "100 Things" post for her blog?

she's busy helping you not do yours.

TazChick29 wrote:

When will Nine quit being such a skeerdy and work on his "100 Things" post for his blog?

Who invented the tube top strapless bra and were they thinking? The Taz twins no.likie.

If it wasn't me it should have been. I love both ideas. Tubetop and strapless. I don't care what the twins likey. Me likey plenty-0.

Ethel wrote:

Why am I so freaking hungry today and why am I craving meat?

you're lacking protein (in one form or another). I recommend a turkey sammich.

or a blow job. Giving one I mean.

danimal wrote:

Ethel wrote:

Why am I so freaking hungry today and why am I craving meat?

TMLS, how long will it take me to get there?

at least 8 hours. You will polish the dolphin at a traffic light, fall asleep and wake up in time for work tomorrow.

sorry.

chopper pilot wrote:

What is the purpose of water-saving toilets with the small tanks? You have to flush the fuckers twice to clean 'em out

great question. I was just thinking that today while I was flushing some...umm...gum.

See, in a regular old bowl (like at my parent's house) you just shat until you were done, tidied up and flushed and left.

Now, I have to flush during, at least once, then I inevitably have to flush during cleanup to avoid the plunging if I don't flush during cleanup. Every single trip is a minimum 3 flushes. Was the old toilet 3 times bigger? I don't think so.

I'm thinking of calling canada and ordering old flow toilets off the black market and just letting it be our little secret.

chopper pilot wrote:

Why does David Caruso, who plays Horatio Kane on CSI Miami, always have his head tilted down and to the right?

he's watching his film career spin down the toilet.

now, if he was at leadfoote's house, he'd be tilting it down and to the left.

chopper pilot wrote:

A Boeing 767-400 is flying at a ground speed of 525mph, leveled off at 35,000 feet altitude. Consider no head wind. How far will the plane go if it looses all power, including hydraulics?

doesn't matter. However far it's going, it's going right into the fucking ground. Or the water.

So the question is, where was it when it got p-fucked and ran out of fuel?

Blaatzee wrote:

What's the difference between a duck?

That's easy dumbass. Eleven.

Tiny Tim wrote:

What is the plug gap on a 2006 Ford F-350 with a 6.0L engine?

that's easy dumbass.

eleven.

right back atcha.

chopper pilot wrote:

Who coined the term "backbacon"?

blaatzee when referring to TL's hindquarters?

Ethel wrote:

Are we there yet?

if you have to ask whether or not you're anywhere, regardless of where "there" is, then no.

You're not there yet

Ethel wrote:

Does size matter?

it does to the guy with a small dick.

BillP wrote:

Tai kwon do or ching ching pao?

Tae Kwon Do. But mostly becuase my daughter can't say the other one. Neither can I, for that matter.

Nine_Cats wrote:

Button - zip or Zip - button?

tough one. I don't ever unzip the slacks, but if it's shorts, I go button then zip.

On the way down, it's the same.

Wierd.

Ethel wrote:

Why haven't I uploaded my race pictures?

because you're too busy at work covering for miss sore ass, and when you get home, you're too tired due to the lack of protein, so you try to sleep, but you can't because you are an occasional insomniac.

oh, and because you're too excited to see what potential supernova-esque rocker is going home tonight...

Ethel wrote:

How did you get to be so lucky that you ended up with GBD so you could make such stinkin' cute urchins?

I am the global definition of terms:

marrying up outkicking your coverage.

Ethel wrote:

Why didn't you answer my last question?
What's for dinner?
Are you going to watch The Office tonight?
What did you get GBD for her birthday?
What color am I thinking of?
Who let the dogs out?
Who left the cake out in the rain?
Top bunk or lower bunk?
Stairs or elevator?
Sesame Street or Electric Company?
Smurfs or Snorks?

Ethel,

sorry about that. I signed out (I think) and missed it. Lemme answer these now.

First, my parachute is Blue. As in Blue and Orange. As in Auburn Blue.

Dinner last night was a cheese sammich with mustard and some grilled chicken.

No. I was playing FIFA 2006 on my XBox instead.

A new laptop and desktop pc. That was her call to have that cover the b-day. And today I got her a couple of these.

The color you are thinking of is NUDE!!!

My Nephew Nick ALWAYS let's the dogs out. Or at least he lets the really dumb, not likely to find its way home dog out.

I don't know about the cake, but I left my Thermoworks Thermapen digital thermometer out in the rain the night you were at Casa de TMLSB. But don't worry. It's fine.

I can't believe you'd even ask the bunk question. I'm a pee-er ethel. Of COURSE I'd want the top bunk. DUH!!

Stairs down, but the elevator up in the morning. I can't hardly do shit at 6am.

I always thought the electric company was cooler, and I completely lost respect for sesame street when snuffalufagus stopped being invisible because it encouraged kids to lie to their parents about their friends or some such nonsensicle bullshit.

I remember the snorks, but the smurfs were all that and a bag of chips.

danimal wrote:

Are you going to make a pick for America's Favorite Race Game, RKO?

It's not really America's Favorite Race Game, but I'm really, really insecure. Really.

I did, but thanks for the reminder.

danimal wrote:

Will I ever learn to check first, post later?

not with me. I have demonstrated a "pattern of behavior."

Ethel wrote:

Is it 5pm Central yet?
Why are some people so mean?
Why does it have to be so freaking hot this weekend?
What air conditioned place should I visit to take pictures this weekend?
Could you move Chicago and the ATL so they are a little closer together?
Have you won the lottery yet?

yes. It's saturday now.

Because they're not as good as we are. Very few people are. It's tough to accept, but once you do, life is much easier.

Because Al Gore invented global warming. Wait, that's not it. It's hot because girls need to wear cutoff shorts and bikini tops.

If I were seeking air conditioned, climate controlled, target rich environments, I'd hit the chicago zoo and head for the reptile building. Cool and damp and dark with scary things there.

I tried before. I moved DeKalb here and made it a county. Turns out I can move town, but the building are very heavy and thus, the move is nearly worthless.

Dude, I am so over not having won the lottery yet. It's almost like the odds aren't in my favor or something. What gives?

More to follow...

What we do for our kids

2006-07-15T08:44:00.000-04:00

I'd like to take a moments to share a story that will tell you why I aspire to be the kind of father my BIL is.

Now, keep in mind, there are thousands of these stories and this is but one, but it's one that tells a lot about the man.

Thursday afternoon we were relaxing in the driveway in our semi-circle of camp chairs when young Jack ambled up and asked to go on a walk or play tennis or (insert activity here). It was around dinnertime and the BIL said "Sure. After dinner," and we went our seperate ways.

About an hour later, I walked outside to a DRIVING rainstorm, and our front gutter (over the garage) was pouring water over the rail by the bucket. So I got out my shitty semi-ladder to see if I could tell what the blockage was. Now keep in mind, it'd been raining since about the time we started eating.

Anyway, while I'm standing there on my shitty ladder under an umbrella (what a chick I can be), here come Jack and UnkTodd riding home on their bikes. So I holler over to them:

"How far'd you get before it started raining?"

UnkTodd replied "Oh, it was raining when we left."

I was flummoxed. I said "Why on earth would you start your ride in that kind of rainstorm?"

UnkTodd said "I don't know. It just seemed like it would be fun and when I asked Jack, he was 100% on board, so we did it."

I know that doesn't sound like much and it didn't cost anything, but that boy will be telling his grandkids about the time his daddy took him for a bike ride in a rainstorm that was so bad you couldn't see 200 feet in front of you, and it was AWESOME!

Sometimes it really is the little things that make the difference. Now if you'll excuse me, 1Doh and I are going to go do some white trash sledding down my neighbor's front yard in an Amazon box.

election addendum

2006-07-13T19:59:00.000-04:00

I should be more clear in what I said two posts ago.

I don't hate elections. I love elections and I love voting. What I abhor is campaigning.

Please return to your regular programming.

Prepare yourself for some swearing

2006-07-13T07:34:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if the election calendar is the same in every state, but there is a primary election scheduled here in Georgia on July 18th, and it can't come and go soon enough for me.

I like voting and consider it an honor, but I hate elections, especially here in the shit-slingin' south.

See, all of the candidates "talk" about how mudslinging is wrong and that the other guy is doing it, but they're all doing it. And I mean all of them.

In the battle for the democratic party's right to get their ass kicked by Sonny Purdue, Cathy Cox and Mark Taylor are in an all out pissing match where each runs ads that shit on the other faster than I can catch my breath.

Every ad sees Cox's folks referring to Mark Taylor as "The BIG guy." Yes. Mark Taylor's fat. We get it. You've said it in your ads over and over and over again. But that's not a reason to not vote for him OR for him to be attacked. And Taylor's folks are no better. It's just "Cathy did this" or "Cathy didn't do that" and it's all nonsense.

Taylor and / or Cox may very well not deserve to be elected and they may be as crooked as a mountain road, but let the voters decide based on the candidate's records of attendance, voting and general behavior and ethics and not on some political consultant's creation and spin.

I mean, it gets to the point where I feel dirty giving my vote to any of them since it's way closer to voting for the least shitty person instead of voting for the most qualified candidate.

And what's worse is that it's our tax dollars that pay for this hootinanny.

See, anyone running for state office is to be given equal time on television and the tv time is free. Free is relative. It's free to the candidates. That means that stuff is paid for by us.

And I am now of the belief that candidates should only be allowed to mention their opponent's name in an ad if they themselves pay for the ad. If it's a freebie, the candidate can only mention themselves and what they themselves plan to do to make life for their potential or constituents better. Does that sound like it would be so tough?

I mean really. The rule would be simple. If you submit an ad that shows an image of or mentions your opponent's name, you get a bill for the airtime and it's due immediately or the candidate would be arrested and not released until the day after the election in question.

Oh, and I have one more mandatory rule I would put into effect. Each candidate would be required to participate in a debate. Not a bullshit debate but a neutral site, moderated debate. I mention this because Cynthia McKinney is going to be re-elected in a walk-over and is refusing to debate her challengers, and I find this (and her in general) arrogant, disgusting and appalling.

Now, one candidate which I support being covered with mud and hopefully indictments is Ralph Reed. I don't understand how you can launder cash for a convicted felon in Jack Abramoff, sell yourself as the anti-gambling Christian anything while working with the Indians in the background to get casinos and gaming set up for them.

Ralph Reed is about as set in his convictions as a windsock on a blustery day and I hope to God this Casey Cagle wins. I don't care what the guy supports either. Literally. He could support secession from the Union, necrophelia and be a member of the Flat Earth Society, and I'd STILL vote for him. I might volunteer just to help e\insure that that shitass Ralph Reed doesn't get elected in my state.

Anyway, this is all going to get worse before it gets better. midterm elections are coming up and then everyone will ramp up for 2008 in early 2007, so basically they'll get about 100 days of work done before we start all of this shit again.

Yay.

Alright spammers...

2006-07-12T10:29:00.000-04:00

you've officially pissed me off now.

First it was your insults at my penis and your perception of how I currently perform in the bedroom, as well as my satisfaction (or more accurately) my dissatisfaction with the amount and power of my ejaculate.

Next came your efforts to get me to help the children of African Royalty circumvent tax laws or gangsters to obtain inheritances.

Then there were the sexually insusting ones hoping to embarrass you into buying their products. My personal favorite was one sent to me at work in which the subject said:

HEY PENCIL DICK!!

And all I'm thinking while hitting delete 587 times is "Jesus. How do they know?"

Then there was every subject line imagineable that all led to the same gray or green backdropped stupid-assed stock tip.

And of course there was your trend for sneaking by our spam filters by mis-spelling every naughty word, like ejacculatte.

BTW, Dooce spoke about this yesterday.

Of course, when I saw the word "ejacculatte," I immediately thought of a new and soon to be HORRIFICALLY unpopular offering from Starbucks.

Anyway, that's all changed now. My new least favorite SPAM message is this one (if you click on it, it's big enough to see what I'm talking about):

See, the name is some person's name (sort of), the subject is always two or three capital letters, and then the content of the email is some bullshitty nothing like this one, which says:

it, Redrick thought grimly. Himself. Why did he beg to come along so
dampness, erosion, all kinds of things like that."
irritation, nothing. A talking key. He turned away. A dreary expanse, like

I mean, what the fuck does this mean? I sort of understand the old spamming, at least to the point that you know that the 10% rule probably works and that SOMEONE is buying that shit or at least clicking on the links. I KNOW people have been scammed by the African royalty ones. But this doesn't have, do or sell anything, nor does it have any links.

So my question is, WTF?

Maybe this stuff will earn this week's FOAD (fuckoffanddie) Award from me.

Stay tuned...

It's the damndest thing

2006-07-11T04:49:00.000-04:00

Once a month, I have to drive to Anderson, SC to do maintenance, update the servers and generally schmooze with the users, aka my customes. Today (Tuesday) is that day. To Maximize the day, I get up early and hit the road by 5:30am so I am there by 7am.

So would you care to guess how our evening went?

Watched the end of Medium and shut off the tele at 11:00pm. 2Doh woke at 11:07pm to eat. I made her a screwed up bottle of all rice and no formula, so GBD had to go downstairs to make another bottle and reload the urchin feedin' supplies.

Got her down again at 11:30pm with the tv off moments later.

About two hours later, 1Doh made her entry yapping about fire bweaving dwagons or missing jack or caca (her aunt) or some such nonsense.

Then, from basically 2am until now, 2Doh has been whining and fussing every fifteen minutes. That means that GBD and I have effectively been up since 2am. We fed her again just now and put her back down with some teething tablets and mylecon and both of us with our fingers crossed.

Although it doesn't matter to me now. I'm up and headed for the cranium sized cup of coffee at RaceTrack.

Have a great day everybody. Hope you slept better than we did...

Just another example of his brilliance

2006-07-10T13:54:00.000-04:00

I love Adam Corolla. Now, I don't love him as in "I want to have his babies" love him. I just think he's one of the most brilliant minds (not just in comedy but in general) that our nation has produced in quite some time. Jimmy Kimmel frequently extolls the virtues of Mr. Corolla on his show and anywhere else he's talking.

Adam has about 15 irons in the fire all the time too, which means that other people besides me think he's something special too.

Now, last week, he was supposed to have had Anne Coulter on his radio.

Before I start on this though, I want to issue a qualifier. I fucking hate Anne Coulter. Literally. She's taken something that was amusing (sort of like the right's version of Lewis Black) and she's gone plumb fucking crazy. I mean, it's one thing to spend a decade talking about Bill Clinton's blowjobs. It's quite another to rip into the widows of the 9/11 attacks.

And I think the problem is that she's insane or a sociopath or both. She is literally incapable of understanding the difference between witty and wrong or between sane and crazy.

And it's not that I disagree with her beliefs all the time. Hell, I've heard her say some pretty smart things and I tend to lean her way fiscally anyway, and that's what makes it wierd.

But she is to me the embodiment of what I hate about extremists. You know, the people that think that if you disagree with them or their beliefs in ANY way, shape or form, they can yell those beliefs at you louder that you'll change your mind.

And another thing. I love sarcasm, but her sarcasm is the kind that will get husbands and boyfriends killed.

So anyway, she was supposed to be on Corolla's show and was an hour and a half late. When she finally did get on, she immediately said she was "very tight on time."

Enjoy this clip everybody!

Sir...your baby smells a little funny.

2006-07-10T07:36:00.000-04:00

Last week the BIL and his family were out of town from the fourth until yesterday around noon. While they were gone, the weather conspired to overwhelm me by making the BIL's lawn and mine grow at ridiculous rates. It was as though someone replaced our bermuda with kudzu or something.

So Saturday morning, I got up and mowed both yards. No big deal really. It was hotter than the devil's ballbag, but I got both done in time to shower before 1Doh's soccer game and we got there with a few seconds to spare.

Sunday morning, GBD and I discussed dinner options, and none of them included staying home and cooking. We decided that Mexican at Mazatlan was the way to go. When Sunday afternoon rolled around and we were all sitting around enjoying some cold beers and the World Cup finale, UnkTodd said he wanted to take us out to Mexican as thanks for the yard and tending to their dogs, which was no work at all either.

We agreed and I boldly stated that I didn't have to check with the wife (since I already had sort of done so) and that we were on for Mexican.

We went, had a great time, and for the first time in recorded history, I didn't get the number eleven. I needed some change in my life, so instead of cheating on my wife or quitting my job, I ordered the 32 oz. beer and the number twenty nine, cuz that's how I roll.

After I was basically done with dinner and was picking at 1Doh's plate, I was holding 2Doh as well. And as 7.5 month olds are wont to do, she started arching her back and throwing her head backwards.

But I wasn't ready, as my left hand was full of chips and cheese dip, and she went straight back and landed smack in the middle of my plate. Which contained most of a meal's worth of enchilada sauce. The back of her head looked like the last part of the Zapruder film as the car's racing away.

Everyone stared at me in horror and I replied "What? She missed the two forks, didn't she? It's just a little sauce."

The continued staring, so I did the only thing I could think to do.

I licked the back of her little head clean.

And do you know the best part? I always say that I love the smell of a baby's head. Now, I have ingrained in my memory the smell of a baby's head covered in delicious enchilada sauce.

YUMMY!

So sue me...

2006-07-09T09:05:00.000-04:00

This weekend has been one of those "let's not make any plans" weekends that should actually have been called "Holy shit!!! That's a lot of projects on the honeydo list!"

Yesterday I had two lawns mowed by 10:45am (including bagging) and I also did a variety of other things to fill the "plan-less" time until the World Cup best loser match came on at 3pm and then the Busch Race at 4pm.

Oh, and instead of actually watching either, we went to our brand new Fresh Market to get dinner fixins to welcome our neighbors home from vacation.

Sidebar: Fresh Market Kicks Total Ass. I would move in there and survive on snack sized portions of everything they sell, which I think you could actually do if you were a tick crafty about it. And owned a green apron.

Anyway, we had the neighbors up and consumed a couple of adult beverages throughout dinner and had a delicious Chardonnay that they brought back for us.

Another sidebar: I freaking hate wine. Always have. Unless you're already drunk or 15 years old or a girl or probably all three, then there's no good reason for it. I just never understood how folks drank wine.

Until last night.

This stuff was A-Mazing. I won't bore you with too many details, mostly because I don't know all the words and the way to use them correctly like the cast of the movie Sideways. But check out this site to read more about them. We're trying to figure out a way to get some ordered and delivered to either South or North Carolina and getting it from there. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, suffice it to say that either I was over-tired or my old lady slipped me some Rohypnol, but I was vawee sweepie. Take a look.

And before any of you say anything, that bottle on the right side of my desk is NOT lotion. It's medicine for my psoriasis.

Really.

Come to think of it, why would a sane person post two picture where in one he's sitting next to what LOOKS like a tube of hand lotion and in the other he has a box of tissues AND a roll of toilet paper? And that face could, instead of sleep, in fact be the TMLSB O-face.

E-freaking-gad.

My first effort at Ethel's Photo Challenge

2006-07-07T09:16:00.000-04:00

Here's where to read about it.

Anyway, here are my entries. I haven't got one for lust yet. At least not one that I've taken. LOL

orange

reflection

grace

joy

lust

Guilty Pleasures

2006-07-06T07:19:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I posted about musical guilty pleasures, and that got me thinking. The idea of guilty pleasures never really crosses my mind too much, as I never really considered much of what I do or enjoy to be guilty. But, having given this subject some thought last night and this morning, I've decided that I have quite a few guilty pleasures, especially in light of my new "lifestyle."

Not THAT kind of new lifestyle you goobers. (Not that there's anything wrong with that). I'm talking about my relatively new dietary lifestyle where I can actually tell you how many fat grams or calories some things have and I don't immediately order whatever has alfredo sauce off of the menu now or hit buffets thrice weekly.

That said, here are a few of my (non-musical) guilty pleasures.

The first and most obvious one is the buffet. I don't care if it's breakfast, lunch or dinner either. There is nothing quite so appealing to me as the concept of all you can eat type restaurants.

See, I love to eat, and I love to eat a LOT. I always have. In my old life, there was only one way to tell if I was done eating, and that was the blissful feeling of total bloatedness to the point of near nausea. This is the toughest part about my healthier way of living. I eat less more often instead of eating more more often.

As for what kinds of buffets I love, it really doesn't matter. I've loved the Shoney's breakfast buffet, the Eat n' Park buffet in Pittsburgh, the Chinese buffets all around my office, CiCi's pizza buffet (where my personal best is 18 slices of pizza crust and all) and BBQ chicken or rib joints (like Country's Restaurant in Opelika, Alabama where all you could eat of either chicken or ribs and a large, refillable tea was $4.79).

But the greatest buffet on the planet is this place:

Fogo de Chao

If you've never heard of it, here's the description from the menu page:

Operating under the unique service concept of espeto corrido, which translates from Portuguese as "continuous service," Fogo de Chão satisfies palates and the desire for something original. Instead of ordering from a traditional menu, Fogo de Chão offers a prix-fixe system where guests can sample the entire menu, or just focus on their favorite items.

The lunch and dinner menu features unlimited servings of 15 different delectable cuts of fire-roasted meats, a sumptuous buffet of gourmet salads and fresh-cut vegetables, and a variety of Brazilian side dishes.

Each guest uses a two-sided disk to control the pace of their meal. The green side signals the Gaucho chefs to bring out skewers of sizzling fire-roasted meats to carve at the table. The red side indicates a stopping point. Turning back to green lets the Gaucho chefs know to start offering the meats again.

The traditional side dishes of warm cheese bread, fried bananas, crispy hot polenta and seasoned mashed potatoes are automatically brought to each table and replenished throughout the meal. The restaurant's award-winning wine list, traditional Brazilian beverages, and a variety of decadent desserts complement the experience.

Sure it costs like $44.95 per person for dinner (plus your drinks and dessert), but man, there might not be anything more satisfying than a full-on case of the meat sweats.

Oh, and the pride one feels when one's quite pregnant wife is the only person at a table of 20 that never once turned her disk to the red side to dissuade the gaucho from bringing her more and more glorious meat.

p.s. If you've got the stones, you can go to lunch there for half the price of dinner and still get all the same stuff. But I recommend taking the afternoon off. No one wants to see you throw up five people's worth of fire-roasted meat in the Q2 forecast meeting.

Other culinary guilty pleasures include McEwan's India Pale Ale, just about any good cheesecake, pistachios (which I still have in small quantities), Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar chips, Cheddar Chex Mix, an entire large Tombstone pizza just for me, three hot dogs and homemade Egg McBagels (which are like homemade Egg McMuffins but on bagels. It was a health concession for me to cut down from three to two in a sitting of either of these fine treats).

Guilty pleasure #2: Reality television.

And I'm not talking about American Idol / So You Think You Can Dance / Making the Band / America's Got Talent type of dumbass shows. Those lost credibility when...wait, they never really had any. Except maybe when Kelly Clarkson won. After that...zip.

And I don't watch shows (or episodes of shows) where they make people eat weird shit. There's nothing dramatic to me about a guy eating hog testicles or a partially developed duck fetus. That's retarded. If you're gonna do that and call it television, then simply take Joe Rogan's idea, which is this:

First of all, it's a pay per view event. Pick ten people that sign up, at random, and bring them to Vegas. Set each one in front of a pile of 20 pounds of dogshit on a scale, and start the clock. The person that eats the most dogshit by weight in one hour wins ten million dollars. I mean, who's not paying to watch that? Besides me, that is.

I'm talking about shows like Survivor, The Amazing Race, Celebrity Fit Club, The Surreal Life, Supergroup, the franchise that is Rockstar: (insert band name here), Run's House, Meet the Bradys, Joe Schmoe, Hell's Kitchen, Iron Chef, the now defunct The Restaurant, The Real World, Road Rules, Real World vs. Road Rules, Newlyweds, Punk'd, Starting Over, Pros vs. Joes, Hogan Knows Best, The Apprentice, Average Joe, Beauty and the Geek, Dancing With the Stars, Kathy Griffin - My Life On The D List, Pimp My Ride, the first couple seasons of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, and well, you get the point.

The irony is that I frequently bitch about reality TV killing actual television and yet, looking at this list, I am possibly single-handedly killing real television.

My other guilty pleasure category is the non-buffet but horrifically unhealthy breakfast joint. Whether it's The patty melt plate with double hashbrowns well done with cheese and a grilled cheese with bacon at Waffle House, the Grandpa's country fried breakfast with three eggs scrambled with cheese at Cracker Barrel, the country fried chicken with three eggs scrambled with cheese IHOP or even a big similar breakfast at Huddle House, I'm all for it. And God forbid you be a hotel or some out of the way place with a breakfast buffet like The Lantern Inn on Lake Lanier. Oh sweet Mary. That place has a full buffet but you have to read the tags because you can't tell the chicken from the pork from anything else because it's all deep fried.

Oh, and now that Denny's has that new Mega-Grand Slam Breakfast, I feel like I've seen the Bigfoot and Lock Ness Monster of guilty breakfasts and now I just need to find a Denny's without first building a time machine to get to one. The last one I knew of for sure was at I-285 and Chamblee Dunwoody Road and sold bottled beer.

At 3am.

To 17 year olds.

Drunk 17 year olds.

I think I need a moment....

Guilty Pleasures in Music

2006-07-05T22:56:00.000-04:00

Thanks to a blog I found recently, I am pondering my musical guilty pleasures. I think for the purposes of this list, five should be plenty. Although I'm sure that my guilty pleasures list of music could be far longer and shittier than many folks' lists.

First there's Kelly Clarkson. That song "Walk Away" is catchy as shit. Even though she came from American Idol, I can get past that. The song reminds me of Jefferson Starship, if that doesn't date me enough.

Another bad one for me is Nick Lachey. That new cd is really quite good, although it's hard to listen to when everyone else in the kitchen is saying "Hey faggot. Why are you listsening to THIS?" It's tough to be your own person though.

I have only given this about five minutes of thought, but I'm gonna say that my biggest musical guilty pleasure is hair bands. Whether it be Cinderella, LA Guns, Winger, Def Leppard, Warrant, White Lion, Lita Ford, Nelson, Great White, Tesla, Poison or anyone else, I've probably got it in a playlist titled "Radiohead" so I won't seem like such a dork if anyone picks up my iPod.

I've really gotten into Johnny Cash in the last couple of years, although I guess that's not a guilty pleasure since he was an American Legend. So, in the same genre of country, let's go with Shania Twain and The Dixie Chicks. Guilty enough for ya?

And finally, I would have to say that a good one that really still stays with me is Hootie and The Blowfish's "Crack'd Rear View." Say what you want. I don't care. That CD didn't sell 15 million copies because it blew donkey balls. Is it cheesy? Maybe. Are they cheesy? Maybe.

But I like the cd and thanks to that Wozniak fella and his friends at Apple, I can carry these beauties around with me wherever I go.

Next up will be some more guilty pleasures. If it's not a Thursday Thirteen, then maybe it'll be a whole list of stuff that make up the guilty pleasures in my life.

A fine joke from my friend BillP

2006-07-05T15:01:00.000-04:00

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop....or just slow down?"

And now for something totally sappy

2006-07-05T09:29:00.000-04:00

Your 38th birthday isn't usually a milestone birthday. But if you've had heart surgery in the past year as well as seen some close to you endure expected and horrifically unexpected tragedies, you get a bit of perspective and hopefully, you grow to appreciate things more than you did in the past.

Having said that, I'd like to list a couple of things I'm thankful for as I turn 38 years old, and more importantly, am still here to turn anything at all:

I'm thankful for my two girls in more ways than I ever thought I could be.

I'm thankful that I have so many parents, step-parents and parents in law that are so good to us and so generous.

I'm thankful (obviously) to have been given a second chance to do something with my life.

I'm thankful that I have better friends than I deserve sometimes.

I'm thankful for both of our families in general, both near and far.

I'm thankful for simple things like dogs, good friends and neighbors with good kids, a good job and in general a good life.

I'm thankful for friends and cold beers on a nice, hot summer day.

I'm thankful that others have been as fortunate as I have in that they got medical help for similar problems that I had and will be able to have a second chance as well.

I'm thankful for the ability to appreciate what I have in life.

But most of all, I'm thankful for my wife for many reasons. She gave me our two amazing (and occasionally challenging) daughters. She believed that I could be a decent parent. She's made me a better parent, son, uncle and husband. And she loves me unconditionally, which is the best one of them all.

I know it's not your birthday, but each one of you should take a second and think about the things you're thankful for in life. You'd be surprised at how long your list might be.

My Birthday Weekend

2006-07-05T08:56:00.000-04:00

If you know me at all, you know that I love my birthday. And not like a nine-year-old loves their birthday. I mean, I'm 38 now, and I still love my birthday as much or more than I ever have. I half-expect people to know when it is, I love having people over to celebrate it and I want it to last for a week (which is why we now refer to it as my Birthnakuh).

This year we waited until later than ever to decide on what we were doing. I think we asked the first person to join us on Thursday evening and went from there. It's never anything formal, it's usually BYOB and either a side or appetizer and we'll provide food, and it's almost always a good time.

We've had organized parties where we got kegs and handed out commemerative beer mugs, we've had terribly spontaneous gathers that included the pilfering of guests from other neighbors' parties, and we've had about everything in between. This was an in-between.

We discussed details and called people over our usual Friday night steak night, and tried to figure out all of the details. We continued this discussion and the related phone calls thru Saturday up to and through Ms. Courtney's non-surprise SURPRISE birthday party. Mr. Courtney paid the wife back however by chundering all of the extra tequilla he drank in their marital bed. S-E-X-Y!!

Oh yeah, here's a shout out to our new kickass babysitter Rochelle. Thanks and we look forward to using you often!

We decided to start the event on Sunday at 5pm, which meant cooking starting at 5pm on Saturday. Butts went on then, followed by ribs and wings the next day. When it was all said and done, we ended up with about 40 adults and 15 or so kids at the house, which actually bordered on too many. Thank God the weather was nice so we could have folks on the deck and out back throwing horseshoes.

Speaking of horseshoes, my favorite part of that pastime is that if there are more than two people present, the smack talk that ensues will rival any smacktalk a group of men could have. Name calling, taunting, mocking and general bad sportsmanship ensues, and it's funnier than hell. The line of the night, I believe, came from Mr. Byerly who opined, "if you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly bear!"

Nice one, Tim.

(On a Tim-related note, Friday night during steak night we had the pleasure of Tim's son being over at the house while playing with my nephew Jack. Tim was to pick up Brett around 10 or so and, in the minutes leading up to Tim's arrival, we started talking about how it'd be funny if we shut off the lights and acted like no one was awake when he arrived. That led to an escalation that had me believing it'd be extra EXTRA funny to answer the door all sleepy-eyed in only my boxers.

Remember, at the time, there were about a dozen folks in my kitchen including young Brett.

So, Tim calls and parks in the BIL's driveway and I strip to my boxers and, after being guided to our house by my eldest nephew, Tim rings the bell.

I answer all eye-rubby like and then I look at Tim's face and suddenly feel like a pedophile. One that's about to get the ever-loving shit kicked out of him. I invite him in (to a caucophony of laughter from the kitchen and his son) and hustle to re-dress and explain (from a safe distance).

I was forgiven two nights later and even semi-encouraged by Tim's wife, but I certainly found the line and trampled right across it with THAT one.

Folks stayed and enjoyed the fellowship and free flowing cold beer until late in the evening, including one of my neighbors who frequently starts out the evening saying something like "I want to drink until I bleed out of my anus."

He's good people and great people to have at a party.

It was also nice to have my friend Ethel in town from the Chicago area, even though her goal to get stage four gooed was so well achieved that she hit about level eleventy one by 6:45pm and had to be removed from the premesis by her date The Mullah.

We finally hit the rack around 1:30 or 2:00 and fortunately, no one peed anywhere despite all conditions being ripe for such nonsense.

Monday saw us planning for my actual birthday afternoon and evening and the fourth as well. It ended up being a great afternoon which was shared by my buddy CampCashion and his family as well as the BIL and his. We played a bunch of horseshoes and ate some flanksteak rolls and enjoyed some good beer and fellowship there too. I am starting to think that having horseshoe pits in the back yard is magic.

Yesterday we relaxed a little. We got 1Doh a slip n' slide which rocked ass, and we cleaned the garage and the back yard and deck, replaced the birdseed in the feeder, watered the lawn and the flowers, and destroyed 1Doh's wish of fireworks on the 4th of July.

Needless to say we were a lot happier before the 4th than we were at the end of it.

That said, this is a great week. We've got three days of work before another weekend, but this one will be as quiet as the last one was rowdy. The BIL and his family are in Florida, we are watching their house and taking care of Jake while Sissy stays with us.

By the way, thanks for giving us your terrified by fireworks dog on the fireworkiest day of the year. That was fun. LOL.

We will also have the pleasure of picking up my friend Bleeding Anus' two Akitas from the kennel Saturday morning, and I can't wait for that. They rock and I get to drive Stephen Land Rover. Two thumbs up I say.

Y'all be cool and I'll hopefully throw lots more sheeyott up here this week including some of the many many pictures taken from this weekend.

Asalam alayka my brothers.

Honeydo checklist

2006-07-05T08:04:00.000-04:00

In addition to having a couple of sweel get-togethers this weekend (including the massive one for my pre-birfday), I completed a number of tasks in and around Casa de TMLSB. In addition to completing these tasks, I sustained a number of injuries. I will recount them for you now.

1) I (with the help of my stepfather) installed new hardware on our kitchen sink. It's a single handle with side sprayer. It's that oiled bronze looking finish and looks awesome.

injuries sustained - mini shiner when I dropped some big-ass pliers on my right eyebrow from an arm's length above my head. I also tore my left knee open on the island whilst trying to climb under my sink. I bloodied four of the five fingers on my left hand, and also hit the same spot on the back of my head several times on the right sink's u-joint thingy.

Lesson learned - Hire a fucking plumber.

2) Hung a new five light fixture over our kitchen table. It looks like this:

Injuries sustained: various knuckle abrasions trying to open the chain links with pliers.

Lessons learned: Have the right tools for the job and if you don't have them, go get them. Also, always always always have a second person when hanging light fixtures or ceiling fans.

3) Policing of the horseshoe pits and the surrounding area. This included raking the monkey balls up again, putting in 200 pounds of sand, raking the pits thoroughly to remove all pine straw and mokey balls.

Injuries sustained: Handtruck divot out of right shin and corresponding blood-filled mousy bruise knot thingy. Also cut right hand on top of the stake in one pit.

Lessons learned: Keep buckets over stakes during maintenance and when using a hand truck, lay it down or empty it and lay it down, but don't leave it semi-upright near your shin.

4) I also mowed, raked, blew off the deck as well as the garage and driveway, got a bunch of ice, cooked two butts, 50 wings and five slabs of ribs, and that was about 1/100th of what my wife did during the same time frame.

Anyway, it was a great weekend for work and play and I'll come back later with some stories from the nearly spontaneous soiree that was my pre-birthday / holiday party.

Shalom everybody!

News from the Obvious Department

2006-07-05T07:41:00.000-04:00

This just in:

Being a parent is not always easy, fun or glamorous.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "No shit, Dick Tracy. Who told you that it was?"

Nobody. And don't be so snarky. It's early Wednesday morning and we've only got to work three days this week. Smile some more.

Anyway, what prompted the above statement was our afternoon yesterday, but let me track back a little further.

Yesterday morning, after waiting until 10am for 1Doh to get up for the day, we headed to Wally World to pick up some necessities and a $20 pack of fireworks. Since we weren't going anywhere, we figured (and 1Doh agreed) that doing our own show in the street was the way to go.

Well, we got home around noon, and 1Doh already started showing some signs of, shall we say, independent behavior? We preach morning, noon and night that she really only has three major responsibilities in life: Obey your parents, use your manners and tell the truth. I figure everything else will get taken care of under that three-pronged approach.

So she was dilly-dallying when asked to clean up or get something or come inside or close the door or go to the bathroom or anything else, and by late afternoon, the fuse was lit. GBD stated several times in a prodding, informal fashion that if she didn't start obeying immediately and knocking off the "why's" instead of the "yes ma'ams" and "yes sirs" that we weren't going to be able to do the fireworks.

I really don't think she believed us.

That is, until, after cajoling her thru dinner and handwashing and cleaning up her toys that I finally said "That's it. No fireworks tonight. If you obey tonight and tomorrow, we may be able to do them then, but you've missed your chance. That's it."

Man, did the tears flow. I've never ever seen her (or heard her) cry like that before in her four years with us. And beyond the tears and crying was the absolute disbelief that I'd done what I did. Now, you have to know that I've thrown the "Do that again and we're going inside for the day" atomic bomb before and followed thru, so this wasn't unprecedented.

I've also followed thru on the "The next marker that doesn't have a cap on it and is sitting alone at the kitchen table while you play elesewhere is going in the trash."

One thing we do as parents is stay quite consistent.

But nothing prepared me for "this."

It took a good 20 minutes to get thru the monkey cries and to the "I'm going to explain this again" part where we break down every part of the cause and effect.

Then, I told her I loved her and carried her upstairs for her stories and bed. I reiterated that it was up to her and her alone whether tonight was fireworks night or not, and I think she finally got it.

We shall see. I can tell you that I slept like shit last night.

I know it was the right thing to do. Now I hope it was worth it.

What did that say?

2006-06-30T08:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was driving back to work from a delivery and I glanced to my right off of Peachtree Industrial Boulevard, and I saw an all-red billboard that had three words in white typeface in the top left-hand corner. The billboard said:

My Boogers Itch.

That's it. My Boogers Itch. I snickered and then snickered some more and wondered aloud "Who the fuck is responsible for THAT? I mean, what is that advertising exactly?"

So I got back to work and called MadSapper to tell him about it and wondered aloud what it could be for?

He said "Well, Google says....." which brought the following thought to me:

"God dammit. I, an IT professional, just called a Project Manager to have him Google something for him like I'm one of those 'I'm not a computer person' people."

Anyway, Google said it was part of a series of billboards that are promoting some new Cartoon Network shows.

The accompanying billboards say "I Pooted," "I'm a Hot toe picker," and "Clowns Hate Tangelos."

I don't even really watch The Cartoon Network, but I may now. That's the kind of marketing campaign I can get behind.

100 things about me

2006-06-30T07:08:00.000-04:00

Everyone that's got a blog has done this already I think. Well, everyone but me. Anyway, here's my effort. I hope you learn something from it. There will be a test later.

1) I hate needles and shots and anything about needles and shots.
2) I fainted while giving blood for my marriage license.
3) I don't know what I want to do for a living.
4) I love 80's hair bands.
5) I am very protective.
6) I can hold a grudge longer than almost anyone I know.
7) I am very very competitive.
8) I actually believe that I will win the lottery, and I'm not talking some scratch-off ticket. I believe in my heart of hearts that I will hit it for a big multi-million dollar prize.
9) I am very conscious of what people think of me.
10) I love to be the center of attention.
11) Despite number ten, I am very, VERY uncomfortable speaking in front of people.
12) I hate having Happy Birthday sung to me by anyone except my daughter.
13) I believe in God.
14) I don't believe in organized religion.
15) I sort of believe that God saved my life last year so that I would become more conflicted about my disbelief in organized religion.
16) I would go to church if you didn't have to sing.
17) I just realized that getting to 100 of these things is going to be hard as shit.
18) I worry about one set of parents feelings when they know I'm with the other set of parents.
19) I love all things Auburn.
20) I didn't graduate from college but feel that I got 99% of the benefit of the college experience.
21) I feel very guilty about not graduating from college and wish I could go back and right that.
22) I don't have many friends, and that's intentional.
23) I didn't want to have kids.
24) I can't imagine not having kids.
25) I worried that something would be wrong with 1Doh every day my wife was pregnant with her.
26) I didn't worry once that something would be wrong with 2Doh.
27) I have an addictive personality.
28) I wrote weekly NASCAR columns for several websites for over three years.
29) I turned down an actual writing job for a network that would have allowed me to follow the NASCAR circuit for about 20 weeks a year.
30) I haven't written a column about NASCAR since that day.
31) I love blogging.
32) I have made friends over the internet.
33) I have two large Big Green Eggs
34) I am always reading something.
35) I carry whatever book I'm reading with me wherever I go.
36) I smoked for over 20 years.
37) I quit cold turkey on January 21st, 2002.
38) I am not as close to my brother as I'd like to be.
39) I check Jayski about 20 times a day.
40) I have been on Lexapro since the birth of my second child and my surgery.
41) Oh, I had cardiac bypass surgery in November of 2005.
42) I feel guilty that our medical insurance premiums went up 25% this year based almost solely on said cardiac bypass surgery.
43) I have done a poor job of being a good friend to some longtime friends.
44) I am currently trying to make up for number 43.
45) I don't always fight fair.
46) I love to cook and am pretty good at it.
47) My IQ is over 135.
48) I graduated high school with a 2.5 GPA.
49) I miss playing competitive darts.
50) I have been in a bowling league.
51) I am honored to be friends with a veteran of the 82nd Airborne.
52) I frequently envy other people.
53) I believe that the pun is the lowest form of comedy.
54) I didn't start drinking coffee until about two weeks ago.
55) I will be 38 years old on July 3rd.
56) I love my birthday more than any adult I know.
57) I sometimes wonder why my wife is with me.
58) I believe in the Fair Tax
59) I think both political parties are full of horseshit.
60) I swear way too much.
61) I am very aware of number 60 and NEVER swear in front of my children.
62) I wear a medic-alert bracelet that says "Difficult Airway: Fiberoptic intubation required."
63) I am artistically retarded.
64) I want to be a competent photographer.
65) I know every zip code in the metro Atlanta area.
66) I am VERY opinionated.
67) I am an idiot when it comes to home repair and all things having to do with tools.
68) I love horrific reality shows like The Surreal Life, Celebrity Fit Club and Supergroup.
69) I am terrible about closing drawers. Any drawers.
70) I think porn is okay.
71) I've never watched or looked at porn with my wife.
72) Politically speaking, I am a moderate socially but conservative fiscally.
73) I wish I could play the guitar.
74) I have wanted to get a tattoo since college.
75) I am frequently guilty of road rage.
76) I have a deviated septum.
77) I have Psoriasis and am very self conscious about it.
78) I think about death too much.
79) I don't like to let other people drive when I'm in the car. Unless it's my wife.
80) I am allergic to basically all things fauna and flora.
81) I love dogs and hate cats.
82) I was molested by a babysitter when I was six years old.
83) I am in the process of building my own webpage and moving my blog there.
84) Of all the things I miss eating since my surgery, I miss buffets the most. Any buffet.
85) I love seafood and if the menu has the word PLATTER on it, that's what I'm ordering.
86) I love nearly all sports. Except the NBA.
87) I think Bud Selig is the man that will be held responsible for killing baseball.
88) Boston is my favorite city that I've visited.
89) I cry every time I see Field of Dreams or Rudy.
90) I sing in the car. LOUDLY.
91) I am sorry I spent so long being an asshole to one parent and holding a grudge against another
92) I don't know nearly enough about politics, especially local politics, as I should.
93) I am a pack-rat and I hate the fact that I am a packrat.
94) I love my XBox and cannot wait to get an XBox 360 AND a PS3 in the future.
95) I have little to no impulse control when it comes to buying things. See #94.
96) I need to spend more time pulling weeds. But just a little bit more.
97) I married the girl that I took to my senior prom.
98) I wish we had traveled more when we were dinks.
99) I wish we'd have had children sooner, even though there was no way I was ready for them before now.
100) I got arrested for stealing my own bicycle in college.

Where have you been all my life?

2006-06-30T06:55:00.000-04:00

This morning I was doing my usual have a cup of coffee and rolling thru a few BlogExplosion and BlogMad sites. I frequently see the same stuff so I just roll on until I happened across THIS blog.

Something about his writing style amused me, so I dug a little deeper and was quite entertained. He also mentioned something called a "Garbage Plate." That reference included this picture:

Now at first, when seeing this, I was fairly certain that someone had vomited on a plate and I was horrified. Luckily, he also included a link to the description of "Garbage Plate" at Wikipedia.

It states:

Nick Tahou Hots is a Rochester, New York landmark restaurant famous for its Garbage Plate. The restaurant was founded by its namesake, Nick Tahou, who died in 1997 after running the establishment for over 50 years. Despite the many regional variants all based on the same theme (such as Penfield and Fairport Hots), Nick's is widely regarded as the original Garbage Plate.

A Garbage Plate is a disorganized combination of two selections out of (cheeseburger, hamburger, steak, hotdogs, white hots, italian sausage, chicken, fish, fried ham, Grilled Cheese, or eggs), which are placed on top of a choice of two out of four sides (homefries, french fries, baked beans or macaroni salad). On top of that you get the options of mustard and onions and the signature ingredient: Nick's "hot sauce" - a greasy spiced sauce containing ground meat. The garbage plate also comes with a side of starchy white Italian-style bread and butter. Most patrons typically smother this in ketchup, mustard or a hot sauce, particularly Franks Red Hot. A1 Steak Sauce is also usually available.

Holy gastric orgasm, Batman!!! Read that again whilst I close my eyes and think back to a time where I would have moved to Rochester just to be near the restaurant that invented that beautiful monstrosity.

Now if you will all excuse me, my gullet would like to do the epecurian equivalent of masturbating over and over again while my brain tries to figure out a reason for the family (or just me) to make a day trip to Rochester, New York.

Wait a minute. I just thought of something. Rochester, New York has given me the one thing I love most (my wife) and the thing that I might leave her for:

The Garbage Plate.

Sweet mother of pearl!!

2006-06-29T10:24:00.000-04:00

I'm fond of rednecks and especially of making fun of them.

I have recently enjoyed the trend of kids wearing a dumbass tuxedo / dress combo, whether that be the rebel flag, matching NBA jerseys, etc.

This however, takes the cake:

(courtesy: www.boortz.com)

sweet holy moley people!!

2006-06-29T07:26:00.000-04:00

I have stumbled upon the greatest free online game ever! This freaking kills me.

Here it is. I'd wait until lunch or at home to play it, but you need the sound turned on to get the full effect. No, it's not that "HEY EVERYBODY!!! I'M LOOKING AT PORN!!! thing either.

E N J O Y!!

Excuse me if this next one's a little sappy

2006-06-28T07:34:00.000-04:00

(Apologies to CJH)

Over the last two years I have become aware of friendships that I've let slide for one reason or another. Whether it be because the person moved far (or relatively far) away, was at a different place in their life, or just out of sheer laziness on the part of one or both parties, things just sort of slipped below the surface.

Two examples of that are two of my three roommates from college. One (The Great White Hunter) I had never met before we were placed together our freshman year at Auburn and the other (CJH) I knew from high school but we ran in very different circles at the time and while polite, we had never been called what I consider friends.

So, during the first few weeks of sharing a prison cell-sized room with TGWH, we ran across two guys that lived below us and one room over from ours. Oddly enough, it was CJH and one of his best friends and both guys I'd at least known since 8th grade but, as I said, had never spent much time with.

The four of us became pretty close during our freshman year. We also met four guys from the 3rd floor of our dorm that were our cohorts as well as our competition in little things like 4-on-4 flag football or basketball or whatever. Those guys (Kaye and Rowher and Robbins and Meyer) completed our non-Greek circle friends and that would more or less stay true throughout my (incomplete) career on The Plains.

After our freshman year, several of us had to stay in Auburn (either in school or working) to gain in-state residency to lower tuition. At that point, we (TGWH, CJH, Jon and myself) decided to room together for our sophomore year and, during that summer, CJH, Jon and I would secure and reside in our next residence and await the return of TGWH from his vacation-like existence at his home on Georgia's Gold Coast.

(BTW the four "other guys" mentioned above went on to share residence as well and would forever be referred to as "The Brooks Boys." Stupid? Of course. But it is what it is.

That summer I got a lot closer with Jon and CJH, buy primarily CJH. Although Jon was working with us, he spent a lot of his time at the Sig Ep house and with his fellow midnight-oil burning engineering students, which left me and CJH to ponder and party and whatever.

We became pretty close that summer, sharing time on the job, evenings at our apartment, playing golf, bouncing checks everywhere in town, and generally having a good time. And when TGWH rejoined us, we were our own little force of nature. School became almost an afterthought for me (as my grades and graduation status would later indicate), but I almost didn't care. We were living the good life in relative poverty and enjoying the shit out of it.

The same happened for our third year, except we moved to a two story sweet ass townhome near the police station and Guthries, while the Brooks Boys moved into their new swanky digs at College Park (where GBD also resided).

Anyway, I've blathered on and on here. Even after I left school in the summer of 1989, I was that I was certain that these seven guys would be my friends forever and we'd spend our adult lives reliving our college years and having those "Big Chill" moments where we all got together to laugh and drink and think and mourn and do whatever it is that lifelong friends do for one another.

Naive? Sure. But still, I was 21 and didn't know any better.

Then real life came along for all of us.

While the other three stayed in touch (more or less) including returning to Auburn for football games and stuff, and just generally staying in contact.

I, on the other hand, was effectively a college dropout trying to survive along with a fiancee and I didn't have the time or money to make said trips.

Sadly, I fell out of contact with all of them. We did all get back together for the 1996 Auburn-Georgia game in Auburn and that was great, and we all said we wouldn't let that happen again.

Until we did.

We got together for a wedding show in 1997 for CJH and his fiancee, and that was the last time I talked to any of these folks. That shower was held at CJH's dad's farmhouse near Lake Jackson, and that property alone had given us enough memories to last a lifetime. From fishing to playing poker drunk in a house that was 35 degrees with no electricity to trick shooting clay pigeons out back to being thrown from CJH's S10 pickup whilst doing donuts in a horse-poo filled pasture to horseback riding to hayrides. That place was full of memories.

TGWH (at the time) had a daughter named after our fortieth president (look it up), Jon was engaged and GBD and I had already been married for about five years and were just starting to get our feet under us.

And then, after CJH's wedding, we (or at least I) fell out of touch.

Then, about two years ago, I started casually trying to find CJH. I had somewhere heard that his father had been sick and I wanted to check in with CJH and let him know we were thinking about him and his family. I didn't look all that hard really, but I did Google searches and white pages searches, etc., but had no luck.

Then, after everything that I've been thru the past six months, I decided to step up the effort. I contacted some folks thru our 20th reunion website that had been friends of CJH growing up, and eventually I got an email address for him. I sent a pretty sappy email (not unlike this blog entry). I sent that email about ten days ago and got no response.

And then last night, I got a call from someone purporting to be the Auburn Police Department calling about some bounced checks from 1990.

It was CJH.

You can cue the sappy music now. I don't care. We talked for a good while, and after the awkward first few moments of trying to pace a conversation that is somehow going to bridge the gap of ten years, it was great. CJH is still married to the same woman and has a two year old daughter. He's living in Florida and putting his degree to good use.

Sadly, his father lost a battle with pancreatic cancer last year and I felt terrible that I hadn't worked harder to find him sooner, if only to offer my condolences for his loss in a more timely manner.

He updated me on our other old roommates and said that one was doing great from what he knew and the other, not so much. He said he had also lost contact to some degree with the others and had had similar thoughts over the years about it but, like all of us, was too busy and time just kept passing by.

So now that we've made contact again, I will try to convince him to come back for our 20th reunion in September. If not that, then I will try to get him to visit his mom here in town and we can hook up then. Either way, I feel better.

You see, you don't meet really good people every day and you don't make friends with good people every day. And when you do, you should make a better than average effort to make contact, stay in touch, and keep that going.

That after all, is a big part of what life's supposed to be all about.

(Now having said all of that, I will make a point to post stuff that is MUCH shorter and FAR less serious for the rest of the day).

TTFNMF

Here's a couple of nice pictures

2006-06-28T07:27:00.000-04:00

That my friend Ethel made even better:

Thanks Ethel. I'll see you in just three plus a wakeup!

Thanks Caca!!

2006-06-26T15:07:00.000-04:00

Here are two pictures my sis-in-law took of 1Doh at the aquarium yesterday. Are these not awesome or what?

Welcome to dorktown. Population: me.

2006-06-26T12:00:00.000-04:00

So ever since I moved into the man-room / office at our new house, I have had fair to serious trouble with teh internets. We had wireless and no matter what we've done, the signal in my office is weak as I am or cuts out altogether, which is uber-irritating when you're writing a blog or downloading work to do at home or playing online poker or looking at porn.

Wait. Scratch that last one. Who does that anyway? That's so 2002.

Anyway, I've been at my wit's end and have been considering having an electrician or my brother-in-law run an ethernet cable from the office downstairs to my office upstairs.

But just to be safe I started sniffing around asking questions on messageboards to see if anyone had any other ideas.

And that's where one of my Stalker friends BillP sent me a message saying how happy he'd been with THIS device:

See, you run a cable from your current router into this, plug it into a regular power outlet, then plug the receiver into an outlet where you want network connectivity, and that's it. Instant network connectivity thru your home's electrical system.

I'll report back tonight on how it worked, but if it's like they say, this is one of the greatest inventions in networking history.

And to think, I'm a network admin and had never heard of such a thing.

(me = dumbass).

Have a great Monday everybody.

A totally awesome knife block

2006-06-23T13:35:00.000-04:00

This got posted somewhere that I hang out sometimes and it made me laugh. First of all, here's the link. But here's the picture.

Another style of block that could be yours for between $49.99 and $99.99 is this (available in white, red, black and stainless steel):

If I haven't told you before...

2006-06-23T08:06:00.000-04:00

I love College Humor. It's an entertaining site most of the time, but sometimes they have absolutely brilliant stuff...like the following picture. For the record, I'm curious how someone gets to this point in their life and don't have a friend or family member that will intervene.

Anyway, happy Friday steroid-filled suntans everybody:

Can you say melanoma?

Another reason I hate American Idol

2006-06-23T07:46:00.000-04:00

Now, when Corey Clark was banging Paula Abdul, we heard about it immediately. Well, not immediately, but very quickly.

But today this story comes out:

In tomorrow's issue of People magazine, Katharine McPhee (who looks like a sex kitten in the photo spread) talks about a five-year battle with bulimia. She says that her audition for American Idol is what turned it all around for her. After she learned she was "going to Hollywood", she enrolled at the Eating Disorder Center of California in LA. For three months, she went there six days a week for group and individual therapy. McPhee says the pressures of growing up in Los Angeles and her years in dance classes made her self conscious about her body image. Interestingly, she was 30 pounds heavier when she auditioned for Idol than she was when we saw her last season. She says, her lessons about "intuitive eating" are what helped her lose the weight. Katharine even goes so far as to tell People, "American Idol saved my life."

By the way. Did anyone else know that Katharine, 22, has a boyfriend who's 41?

So, the girl spends 3 months getting treated for an eating disorder AFTER subjecting herself to the American Idol panel and preparing to go to Hollywood to get judged by millions? How the fuck was THAT going to help her bullemia?

And why did this story not come out sooner? It's not like no one could find her name on the rolls at Pritican's west coast office.

Oh, and you can also put her down in the creepy Tonya Harding category because of her 41 year old boyfriend. The only reason this is better (unless their hiding something else) is that Harding's "boyfriend" was the married older man her parents paid to be her manager. You know, to have her best interests at heart and to do what was best for her and the family and to protect their daughter.

I'm sure dad appreciates the fact that he paid a married old dude to bang his daughter.

Thumbs up!!

Magical elixir, thy name is coffee

2006-06-22T09:13:00.000-04:00

Seriously, how long has this coffee stuff been around? Is it new? Why did I not know about it so much? Can somebody please explain to me where coffee has been all of my life?

I have never liked hot drinks. Ever. Not coffee, hot tea, hot cocoa, hot totties, nothing. That's just another way for me to hurt myself similar to the potato incident from St. Patrick's Day 2006. Until my episode last fall, I was a Mountain Dew guy. My reasoning was, it's got caffeine, it's got sugar, and it's got carbs. What's not to love?

But then, when I changed my diet, I didn't figure that the Dew was too good a choice, so I quit drinking it. After 25 years of having between one and 15 a day, I quit, and I never looked back. If we went out for lunch or breakfast, I had unsweet tea (which I've always loved) or water. If we went out to dinner, I had a cold beer. But sodas of all kind were gone forever.

But then, over the last couple of weeks, I haven't been sleeping great and combined with 2Doh's sleep habits, I had been as tired as I've been at any point since she was born, or even moreso.

So last Monday, after nodding off at my desk at 6:45am in the middle of typing an e-mail, I decided to have a cup of coffee.

Now, I still don't like hot HOT drinks. Hell, I don't like HOT HOT soup or even HOT soup. So I poured a cup, dropped in two ice cubes, and drank it.

Next thing I know, I have energy to beat the band. YAY!!

So two days later, I was equally tired and did it again, with the same magical results. Really now, does everyone know about this stuff?

This week, I've had a cup (or two) every day and I feel great in the morning. Also, I am generally starving by the time I get to work at 6am. Not hungry. STARVING!!

This week, after enjoying my cocoa bean lover, I haven't been hungry at all, even skipping breakfast proper twice. Now, I still eat a kashi bar but that's about one fourth of what I get calorie wise from even a healthy breakfast. I say thumbs UP to that!!

So here I sit, a gentle buzzing occurring in my brain thinking "What CAN'T I do today?", and I wonder if this wears off or if I've been missing out on one of life's great joys?

I still don't like the idea of cream and sugar barely tinted tan by a tablespoon of coffee and, therefore, I drink mine black. Also, I think the idea of a four dollar coffee is as crazy as anything I've ever heard of, but hey...until two weeks ago I hadn't had five cups of coffee in ten years, so I guess anything's possible.

Oh, and the other thing this does is open my life up to a whole new category of Father's Day gifts. Instead of ties and socks and whatnot, 1Doh and 2Doh can get / make me coffee cups.

Is there anything coffee CAN'T do?

Somemthing worth reading, especially since someone else wrote it...

2006-06-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

I stumbled upon a blog today called Right on!! Not only was it refreshing to see a blog not hammering neo-cons or bleeding heart liberals, but one promoting personal responsibility. Here is his latest entry about a parent suing myspace.com because her 14 year old daughter was molested by a pervert she met on the website.

(Read first before you freak out. I'm not advocating blaming victims here).

Mom sues MySpace.com

The mother of a 14 year old girl in Austin, Texas is suing Social Internet giant Myspace.com for $30 Million because her 14 year old daughter was molested by a pervert she met on the website.

According to the lawyers representing the family, myspace doesn’t do enough to verify the age of its users nor does it take adequate measures to thwart sexual predators online.

The CSO for Myspace.com had this to say in response to the allegations. “We take aggressive measures to protect our members. We encourage everyone on the Internet to engage in smart web practices and have open family dialogue about how to apply offline lessons in the online world.”

Attention parents… you wouldn’t let your child wander around the world all alone talking to anyone who happens to wander their way, why do you think it’s safe for them to surf unrestricted and unmonitored online? I’m getting sick and tired of parents who use the TV and the home PC as a babysitter so they don’t have to take personal responsibility for their kids. Then once the TV or the PC fails them, they go after the services for exorbitant amounts of cash as a “solution” to the problem.

Here’s an easy and FAR less expensive solution… WATCH your kids and know what they’re doing, where they’re going and who they’re talking to. Talk to them every day, find out what they did and who they hang out with. I know it’s tempting, but putting a computer/TV/XBox in their room DOES get them out of your hair… but you’re just asking for problems.

There will always be a computer with internet access in my house, but it will reside in a public common area of the house and usage of said computer will not be without strict rules until I know that my kids understand that Online, is just as dangerous if not more so than Offline and can show me that they understand and respect that fact.

I wonder if the mother of this child had established a code of conduct online for the house, if she would have become a victim. The predator was 19 years old, allowed to exchange phone calls with the 14 year old. The mother even allowed the 19 year old predator to pick the girl up from school, take her to dinner, and a movie and even his apartment where the sexual assault took place.

If I were the judge in this case… it wouldn’t be an issue reaching a conclusion. I would dismiss the case, and declare that due to gross negligence on the part of the parents their daughter was sexually assaulted. Not only that but I would require the parents to pay the court costs for myspace.com for wasting their time.

You want some rules… well I’m fairly partial to Kim Komando’s 10 Commandments for Kids Online.

1. My parents and I will decide when I am allowed to use the computer and the Internet. I promise not to ask or fight for more computer time. I will only do things and visit places that they say I can.

2. I will never tell anyone online or post online that I am home alone. I won’t give out my last name, my home address or telephone number, the name of my school or teachers, where my parents work or their telephone numbers without getting my parents’ permission. I will never give out my friends’ screen names, e-mail addresses, names, addresses and telephone numbers, and I will remind them to keep mine a secret.

3. If anyone online does anything that bothers me, I will tell my parents. I will never use bad language, say bad things about other people, or send mean messages in an e-mail, text or instant message, chat room, blog, or on a Web site. I will tell my parents if someone does that to me. If I use “secret” or “code” words online, I will tell my parents what they mean.

4. When I use instant messaging, e-mail, chat rooms, or Web sites where people put information about themselves, I will never send or post a picture of my family or me. If I set up a blog or an online profile, I will tell my parents where it is and how they can read it.

5. I WILL NEVER, EVER MEET WITH ANYONE I’VE TALKED TO ONLINE WITHOUT FIRST TALKING WITH MY PARENTS.

6. If my parents ask me for my password, I will give it to them. I will NEVER give out my passwords or any of our family’s passwords to anyone, not even my friends or other family members.

7. If I want to download any games, movies, music, or programs, I will ask for permission. I know I must pay for most of these things. If I take them, that is stealing.

8. I will not try to win free things or buy things on the Internet without my parents’ permission. If I get a message that I won something, I will show it to my parents. If I get an e-mail asking for passwords or other secret stuff, I will ask my parents.

9. I will not open any of my parents’ files. I will not change any settings or install any new software without my parents’ permission.

10. I give my parents permission to look on the computer to see where I have gone on the Internet, the e-mail and text messages I have sent and received, or what I do in a chat room. If my parents installed programs that track what I do on the computer or limit where I go online, I promise not to turn those programs off.

See? This woman is suing myspace even though she let them talk on the phone, let a NINETEEN YEAR OLD MAN PICK UP HER 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FOR ONE OR SEVERAL DATES, and even allowed him to take her TO HIS APARTMENT!!!!

Why on earth is MySpace responsible for this?

I mean, I'm the first one to say that MySpace oughta be called pervert alley, but I believe in the old saying "Let the buyer beware." Parents have lost track of what parenting is, and that is taking precautions to protect your children, not waiting for the government to do it for you.

For example, my daughters will never EVER have a computer in their rooms, whether the machines have internet access or not. They will also not have telephones or televisions in their rooms.

Sound prudish? Maybe. But you won't find my name attached to any articles like the one above either.

Parenting is about more than getting one's peter wet. It's about taking the time to teach children right and wrong, to teach them to be responsible and productive citizens, and it's about teaching them be caring and compassionate souls. It's also about teaching them the meaning of taking responsibility for their actions. And the biggest thing to me is that it's about teaching your kids not just to do the right thing when someone's watching them, but to do the right thing when no one's looking.

I feel sorry for the 14 year old girl in this story on many levels. Certainly because she's been victimized. But she wasn't just victimized by the 19 year old. She was victimized by her mother as well.

Ouch!! I've been tagged....

2006-06-20T09:08:00.000-04:00

My friend Ethel has tagged me to complete one of those meme's. Now, I'm going to do it, but I'd like someone to tell me what a meme really is. I mean, does that word stand for anything or is it sort of a chicken and the egg term that came about as a result of the blog world, so it's too hard to figure out if the lists came first or the name...

Anywho, here's my list of 5's:

Five Things in the Refrigerator
1. Many many salad dressings
2. Several pounds of margarine
3. Salads to go Taco Salad kits
4. Many many cheeses
5. A quart of minced garlic

Five Things in the Closet
1. My one sportcoat and slacks ensemble that's WAY too big now.
2. An armoire
3. Two infant bath tubs
4. A keyboard and a mouse
5. Sweaters. Lots of GBD's sweaters.

Five Things in the briefcase
1. HP 5mp digital camera
2. One package of official White House M&M's.
3. My Wallet
4. One pair of Night n' Day contact lenses
5. My iPod

Five Things in the Car
1. Owner's manual packet with service records and all tag receipts
2. Crackberry charger
3. FM modulator for iPod
4. Orbit Cinnamint gum
5. 350 pounds of Wicked Good Competition Blend hardwood lump charcoal

Well, that wasn't so bad. But I have no one to tag right now, so that'll do.

(Thanks Ethel. Except for the purse question, this was fun).

Sorry I haven't written much

2006-06-20T06:37:00.000-04:00

And I know it's been painful for those of you that simply cannot start your day without reading my observations, rantings, and general musings about life, love, sports, or whatever else may catch my attention.

We had a great weekend this weekend. Friday night, which is usually steak night, was replaced by Cooley's Pizza night since UnkTodd and the Queen had a touchdown club meeting at their house. Although the Queen assured us that it would only last an hour, we knew better. And we were right.

On the upside, with the girls in bed and sleeping and no one around, that gave the wife some quality time to work on her new messageboard (I'm very proud of her for this by the way). While she was doing that, I headed over to Casa de Unk n' Queen to nibble on some leftover appetizers, have a couple of beers, and see what was what.

I met the new North Gwinnett head football coach and a couple of his assistants, and they really seem like sharp guys. If we can get a coach to stay longer than nine months now, the team and the school might be on to something.

That evening also provided some excitement when my young nephew literally stumbled across a baby snake (about a foot long) right by the steps leading to their front porch. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was poisonous (diamond shaped head about thrice as wide as his skinny assed body).

Unk Todd was summoned and did what any good dad would do: He hacked it up with a shovel.

(It was later investigated via google and found to be a copperhead, which even at that size could injure or kill a dog or small children, of which I have two).

Saturday started with a lawn mowing, a good watering in accordance with our county's odd-even watering restriction, and 1Doh's soccer practice. Good times all around.

We wallowed the mid-day away until it was time for USA-Italia in the World Cup, and then it was time for cold beers and nationalism. Team USA got royally fucked by the officials but managed a tie despite being short-handed. (The Yanks need a win and a 3-goal margin against Ghana Thursday to have any hope of making it out of group play).

Just a sidenote here. I've always loved soccer. I played for years and years and I've always been a vocal proponent of the sport. This year however, the World Cup has drawn me in 200%. I'm checking scores every day online, talking about it at work, and even chatting on messageboards about it. If only they'd have it every two years like golf's Ryder Cup. Then we'd REALLY see interest start to grow.

After the match (or most of it), it was off to Town Center Park for the opening and dedication of the new kick-ass fountain. Here are some interesting facts about our fancy new fountain:

Suwanee’s Interactive Fountain
By the Numbers

The design of Suwanee’s interactive fountain, which will be the largest in Gwinnett County, mimics the elliptical design of Town Center Park. A center jet is circled by 12 individual pop jets. Two sets of three abbreviated elliptical rings extend on either side.

150 by 100 feet
Area of the fountain

43
Jets

Nearly 1 mile
Length of pipe used

1,400
Gallons of water to be sprayed and recycled per minute

20 feet
Maximum height water can be shot up from center jet;
height for other jets ranges from 4-12 feet

25
Horsepower contained in water pump

2,000
Square footage of brick used

$130,000
Funds raised for fountain by the community through the Better Parks Campaign

Infinite!
Number of youthful squeals to be heard over the course of the fountain’s first summer

Anyway, there was a big day planned with many of those moonwalk type jumpin' thangs (as they called them in Auburn), food and drink and live music. they didn't start selling beer until about 5:30, but that didn't bother us since we smuggled some in, being the creative deviants that we are.

While there, we ran into the parents of the kids who participated in Dueling PeePees last weekend and I, without any consultation with the wife, blurted out "Hey!!! We're grilling out tonight. Why don't you guys grab something to cook and come over for a while?" Aren't I awesome when I've had a couple of pops?

Oh, I have to interject with the white trash moment of the day. On the way back to the car we were walking thru a townhome-like development thingy that was mostly sold out, but there were a few new units that were still on the market.

There had been so much buzz about these things when the neighborhood opened that I decided to pop in for a quick look around to see what they were like.

The first floor (garage level) was pretty cool and the water system in the house was awesome. There was a turnkey system where each faucet and water source for everywhere in the house was labeled, and there was no copper at all. I had never seen such a thing before.

Floor two was the front of the home's main floor with a den, kitchen, and "DADDY!!! I GOTTA GO PEE!!!!"

WHAT?

We were too far away to think about getting back to the park and I recognized the look on 1Doh's face and the accompanying peepee dance. I had about ten seconds to make something happen or there was gonna be an assident.

So I hustled her into the main floor bathroom and lifted the seat and HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!

Apparently someone else had come in here to relieve themselves of a similar but more solid load, and it had apparently been done while Clinton was still in office.

So now I've got a 4 year old, pants around her ankles and she's doing the Level 10 peepee dance which now involves more than a little panic on both of our parts. If I get her to the car and she's had an accident, that's gonna be my fault and the wife's not gonna like it.

So, on the advice of present counsel, I picked 1Doh up and hung her ass in the bathroom sink.

Oh, and after all of this I had to go pretty badly as well, so I peed in there too. I dumped my beer down the drain hoping to help a little.

Sorry potential owners of said unit. It couldn't be helped.

Anyway, since Father's Day weekend was now in full effect, we (me, UnkTodd, Russ, Mark, and a nephew) hit the horseshoe pit for some good old country entertainment.

We had some sweet ribeyes and taters and then Stephen and Amanda came down to join in on our spontaneous frivolity. God bless suburbia.

Sunday saw a trip to Shiloh to replenish my charcoal supply and also saw a pleasant surprise:

two hidden pallets of 22-pound bags. I had no idea they were there and they're not fundamentally different than the 11-pounders, but I just like the big bags for some reason. As a matter of fact, I may just save those for myself.

Then, upon my return, it was off to Wal-Mart for foodstuffs for our Father's Day feast and various other necessities and niceties. (That last word looks like nice titties if you glance at it. Or maybe that's just me).

Home from Brazil v. Australia at noon and then the Cup race at Michigan, although I only watched about 10-15 laps. I haven't watched an entire race this year yet, and I really don't care. There are really no compelling storylines, and if your big news is who's going where next year, I don't give a shit.

(Oh, we also got our huge portraits back from the photographer in Hilton Head and they look awesome. Now we just have to get them framed and quick. I suspect Saturday morning will see us at the framer's store for some quotes).

Sunday afternoon and evening saw me abandoning all parental obligations for the second Sunday in a row (thanks Father's Day) to play horseshoes, drink some beers and just screw off with the neighbors. Oh, and my day ended with just me and 1Doh taking a hot pool at UnkTodd's before bed which was divinely relaxing.

My wife's a saint and I can't thank her enough for a wonderful Father's Day weekend.

Which reminds me of something that I want to go over before I close. The three days that mattered to ME in the past were our anniversary, my birthday and Christmas. (The last one for primarily materialistic reasons I assure you).

But for some reason, this year's Father's Day was completely different for me. I was looking forward to it for weeks and really thought about it and what it meant to be a father. I think, after everything we've been thru in the past seven months, I truly realized how fragile life is and how quickly things can change and be taken away from you, and I think I really appreciated what it meant to be a father and how much joy it's brought to my life.

Sure, there have been plenty of challenges along the way, and they continue even as of this writing. But I wouldn't change anything about my marriage or the two sweet little girls that are just getting up at my house as we speak. As I've said before, one of my favorite things to do when putting 1Doh to bed is tell her that I love her and that she's my favorite Lauren, and she replies "I love you too, and you're my favorite daddy in the whole world."

You just can't put a price on that.

If you know me at all...

2006-06-19T14:44:00.000-04:00

please click on THIS LINK and do what it asks. I'm curious of how it will come back.

Relax people. It's not spam or a virus. It's the Johari Window, which you can read about here.

Just curious here...

2006-06-16T08:51:00.000-04:00

But do you think Britney's soon to be rock star husband knows that what's on his belt isn't a cell phone but a garage door opener?

Hey look! It's me ranting.

2006-06-16T05:40:00.000-04:00

Last night my friend Ethel implored me to join her in not only watching the Britney Spears / Matt Lauer interview on Dateline, but also to blog with her about it. You know, kind of like a running commentary.

Anyway, if you go to our joint site called Ethel and the Eggsecutioner, you can see how that went.

It was actually fun. That was my first venom-filled rant in days and it made me feel a lot better...

Camera return: the updates begin

2006-06-14T11:45:00.000-04:00

I received the RMA number via email already. I will double box this here box and follow the instructions to ship it overnight to them, and in return, they shall ship one overnight to me.

That means I should get it by Friday, but that means Tuesday I'm sure. Either way, it'll be a brand new unit.

Yay!!

It's here!! It's here!! The next...

2006-06-14T11:32:00.000-04:00

So I called the vendor today and they were very cool about the whole thing. They are emailing me an RMA number which I will use to return everything in the primary camera box (lens, battery, body, manual, strap) and send it back. Upon receipt, they will express ship me my replacement.

Also, I keep my extended warranty thingamadoogy and just call them to register the new serial number when the new one arrives.

This is already better than I thought it'd be. Even with my impatient ass just wanting to go get it fixed, I know the right thing is to get a new working unit.

More to follow....

Here's a switch...

2006-06-14T09:58:00.000-04:00

Usually these little get to know you quizzes / chain letters are about you, the author. Or would that be me the author?

Either way, today let's try something different. Let's all try to write ten things about our significant other. They don't have to all be good, but it might be beneficial to try to lean towards the positive.

I'll start:

1) She's the funniest person I know. Bar none.

2) She's UBER-protective of her family, and especially of me. If anyone does me wrong in her eyes, there's trouble and she'll be handing said trouble out by the shovel full.

3) She's an excellent driver. You hear about guys all making fun of their wives and other womenfolk's driving, but I would never do that. She's rock solid behind the wheel.

4) She's more forgiving than she probably should be. No need to elaborate there.

5) She's generous to a fault, both with her time and with her money.

6) She is terribly creative. Whether it be a unique father's day gift, invitations to showers or parties for friends, or just crafts at home with 1Doh. She has a seemingly endless supply of ideas.

7) She is supportive and always encourages me if I'm interested in something, no matter how silly it might seem. Take, for example, the construction of our horseshoe pits.

8) I have to throw one bad one in here. She's terrible at loading the dishwasher or a shopping cart, but the dishwasher thing wins. There's no rhyme or reason to it at all. She'll have different sized plates pointing in different directions intermingled with bowls, tupperware and cups everywhere. I mean, who DOESN'T point the plates the same way and sort them by size while also making sure all small salad-like bowls go in the front on top with glasses and cups on the outsides of the top and baby bottles and sippy cups down the middle, saving room over the top of the bottom shelf for big bowls and casserole dishes? Who I ask you?

9) She's a great sports fan. As long as it's not basketball, I can get her to not only watch but be interested in nearly any sport on television. And if we're going to see it in person, she's even more fired up about it.

10) She's a great sister and daughter and aunt and mom and wife and daughter in law and neighbor and friend. Nuff said.

Ninja update

2006-06-14T09:09:00.000-04:00

In light of our recent schedule changes (i.e. no one goes to bed or stays in bed), we've opted for staying up later each night to make more time for ourselves. It's cute that we value each other's company more than sleep, but it doesn't sound condusive to enduring sanity. Hell, what do I care? I like that fact that we both see it the same way and enjoy each other even though we're both exhausted.

Anyway, last night saw us asleep early (around 10:45pm or so). I got up at 1am to pee, then 1Doh wandered into our room half asleep around 2am, tried to climb into our bed, failed, and in doing so, fell on her back/head/ass.

After maternal comforting and paternal panic swearing at the thought of a split urchin pumpkin, the faja put her back to bed complete with Piggy and her box/bed in place.

By the way, there's no way to go back to sleep immediately after you scream "OH SHIT!!!" in the middle of the night, so the wife and I laid in bed and watched "Miami Ink" and "Curb Appeal" until 3am and went back to sleep then.

4am saw 2Doh awaken for a feeding. Not bad since she had 4oz. of yogurt at 5pm and 3/4 of a bottle at 7pm, but it's still a middle of the night feeding for me.

I got her back down at 4:20AM, then missed / turned off my 5:10am alarm but magically awoke at 5:30am. Last time I did that, I got up around 7am. That made me late for work since I'm supposed to be there at 7am. This time, well on time. Kudos to my Kramer-like internal programmable clock.

Anyway, this is the second day this week I've had coffee. I haven't had three cups of coffee in three years, but I've had that many in three days. God help me if I somehow get addicted to coffee. It's calorie and carb free, but it's just another crutch. Who needs that?

Anyway, that's all for now. Keep your fingers crossed that my camera seller mans up and does the right thing today.

Hugs.

TMLSB

Holy sweet mother of crap!!

2006-06-14T08:46:00.000-04:00

And to think, I nearly bought one of those "It's not Van Halen with David Lee Roth" T-shirts.

It's here!! It's here!! It's got a fucking smudge in it!!!

2006-06-13T21:00:00.000-04:00

Don't ask me. I have no idea. But today we went out and took over 100 pictures. Not 6.1mp but a nice reasonable 1.5ish. I used two different lenses and we got some good shots. Not great, but that was me not the equipment.

Unless you consider the booger that shows up on the right side of every fucking picture I took. I tried every lens and I looked inside, but no luck.

So now, I have to call tomorrow after 11am and hopefully they'll just send me and my brand new camera with the brand new five year extended warranty to wolf camera for a cleaning instead of me having to ship it back to New York and wait for another one to ship to me in 7-10 days.

This stuff happens. I work with computers and I understand. But the fuse is lit right now. I'm expecting some quality service on this deal, or it's gonna be blog fodder for days and weeks to come.

Stay tuned, dear readers...

It's here!! It's here!!

2006-06-13T08:05:00.000-04:00

The new Nikon D50 and all of its accessories arrived yesterday. But I had to charge it and do a bit of housecleaning before I could play with it. The camera, that is, you pervs.

Anyway, once the cleaning was done and the girls were in bed, I started unpacking all of the stuff: cases, lenses, the body, memory card, etc. I finally got it together and the software installed (that part took nearly an hour), and then I said to myself "NOW what do I do?"

I felt very similar to how I felt after GBD and I got 1Doh strapped into the carseat and took her home. What now?

I'll tell you what now? I brought the manual with me to work to read at lunch (dork that I am). I was already scared on Page 2: Getting to know the camera, with all of its 847 identifiable pieces and parts just on the outside of the camera.

I took a few stupid test shots in our room (after the wife wouldn't fall for the 'Let's take some artsy pictures of you without your top,") and then I worked on the enhancing program and the importing program.

My hope is that tonight when I get home, I can shoot a bunch of the girls and some other stuff to see how that goes. Then I'll go back and re-configure the enhancement program to better organize how I want the photos managed. And finally, I will hopefully upload my first new camera shots to Flickr.

But if that all fails, expect to see a VERY up close picture of my ass...

This kind of stuff rocks.

2006-06-12T11:22:00.000-04:00

A couple of months ago my nephew told me about this and then he did his own experiment by dropping a tube of mentos into a 2 litre bottle of diet coke.

Now, I find this:

It's almost here!!!!

2006-06-12T10:31:00.000-04:00

After tracking a shipment more closely than the US government tracks trains transporting enriched uranium, my camera kit is finally:

Location	Date	Local Time	Activity
DORAVILLE, GA, US	06/12/2006	6:14 A.M.	OUT FOR DELIVERY
	06/12/2006	2:09 A.M.	ARRIVAL SCAN

That means that in about 3 hours, that thing will be at my house, calling me to come home.

Never have the powers of peer pressure been this crazy.

More to come as the situation warrants.

Another one of those get to know you thingies

2006-06-09T15:43:00.000-04:00

(I was remiss by not mentioning that I got this from my internets friend Ethel).

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? Right now I'd say either Hilton Head or outside of Boston.

2. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING? Cargo shorts and t-shirts. Oh, and my smarmy ass Auburn hat.

3. THE LAST CDs YOU BOUGHT? an LA Guns / Cinderella compilation and Big Head Todd and the Monsters Live

4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Between 5am and 5:15am. Not counting the middle of the night feedings and / or ninja visits.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? The disposal. It's magical.

6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Guitar.

7. FAVORITE COLOR? Blue

8. WHICH VEHICLE DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR, MOTORCYCLE, OR SUV? SUV for sure. (Much to JohnnyBud7's chagrin).

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE? No.

10. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? The Monster At The End Of This Book (A Grover special).

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Spring.

12. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? I don't have one, but I have always wanted one. The wife's foot did the talking on that one.

13. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Invisibility. Holy crap would that be awesome.

14. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Yes. I can spin just about anything on any finger too.

15. ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? This is like the four people you'd like to have dinner with. I think Ted Williams, Abraham Lincoln, Ben Franklin and Johnny Cash.

16. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? A laptop computer

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY? Friday.

18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Sushi I think.

19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? Calla Lily.

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL? Ribeye, garlic mashed potatoes, my wife's green beans and an oreo cheesecake for dessert. However, since my surgery, i will only eat two of those things. Unless it's a special occasion.

21. DESCRIBE YOUR PJS. My boxers or a pair of athletic shorts.

22. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST? Then? The Uncle Henry at Cracker Barrel. Now, I like the healthy cracker barrel breakfast of oatmeal w/ brown sugar, a muffin, two scrambled egg beaters with cheese, and a banana.

23. DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB? I like my job. I love my company. I hate working.

24. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB? Writer.

25. WHAT AGE DO YOU PLAN TO RETIRE? You must be kidding. My second kid can't even sit up yet. I'll retire when I win the lottery.

26. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? High School. In the gym. She was on yearbook committee and I was taking advanced PE or was a teachers aide or something during that time.

27. SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE. Go to Ireland and Norway.

Bad joke friday

2006-06-09T10:06:00.000-04:00

As my blogging friend Ethel said, "It's bad joke Friday! Play along!"

So I will.

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

Notes from Julie, your cruise director

2006-06-09T07:52:00.000-04:00

This weekend will be chock ass full of activity at Casa de TMLSB. Tonight is steak on a paper plate night, but not before I get some trees cut back around the site of our latest addition:

The Horseshoe Pit.

CampCashion is coming over Sunday to help (who am I kidding? He's doing the work and I will be his beer bitch) install the new pit which should provide hours of summertime fun.

Saturday morning will see me at the Home Depot buying supplies for said horseshoe pit and then running home in time to get 1Doh to soccer at 11am.

After that, it'll be laundry and some time at the pool.

Then, hopefully meemee will show up mid-afternoon as she is babysitting the kids while we go with the BIL and SIL and two of our neighbors to Lake Lanier for a boat ride, dinner, many cocktails and another boatride back. UnkTodd has graciously volunteered to be our sober captain and to make sure we all stay "well hydrated."

I love that man.

Sunday morning around 10am, CampCashion will be over to install the pit, which will be followed by a yard mowing, shoe tossing and beer drinking, and then Mrs. Camp Cashion will be over with the girls after naptime to adjust TMLSB's folicles.

Oh, and I'll be tracking my UPS shipment from New York to see when my new camera will be here. Right now it's on a truck and is scheduled for a Monday arrival. I may have to take a half day just for that. Also, is it wrong if I put the girls to bed at 5:15pm Monday so I have maximum time to play with it on day one.

Of course, It'll need to charge that day, so all I'll be doing is looking at it, but still. That's gonna rock!!

The attic holds a lot of fun

2006-06-07T10:30:00.000-04:00

My mother in law was kind enough to bring over a couple of "accessories" this weekend. They included some ugly-ass cat's eye glasses she had in high school and two wigs.

Here's something I don't understand and I wish someone could enlighten me. Why on earth did women wear wigs in the 60's? They looked about as real as Marv Alberts' hair and felt less so. I mean, these two wigs feel like the hair from an camel's ball bag. (And yes, I have checked).

Anyway, she brought these two wigs over and 1Doh and others immediately started having fun with them.

I hope to have other photos available to me soon, but here are a few of 2Doh enjoying the Mickey Dolenz look:

What's doins at casa de TMLSB

2006-06-07T07:25:00.000-04:00

Well, despite some pretty good crying at bedtime and for about an hour or more after we put her down, 2Doh slept thru the night more or less for the second night in a row. She got up to eat at 5:30am, but since I'm already up by then, that's thru the night to me.

1Doh is having a HUGE time at day camp down at the pool/tennis courts/playground. Yesterday she "played tennis...FOR REAL!!!" and loved every second of it. She's going with her friends Dominick and Benjamin from school/soccer.

After two stops at Frye's yesterday (I got inside before I realized that I'd left my wallet at the office and I had to return to work empty-handed), I am in the final stages of getting my old(er) pc setup as a photo storage / processing workstation. Now if I could just get some of the other crap out of my office, I'd feel a lot better.

Got the yard mowed yesterday (front and back) and also cleared the site for the TMLSB horseshoe pit which will be installed Sunday morning and ready for play by the time the race starts Sunday afternoon.

Not much else for now, except for my usual loathing of election year politics. I'm stunned that with a war going on and the big public outcry over illegal aliens and immigration law and approval ratings at an all-time low, GW has decided to re-stump his dumbass banning gay marriage ammendment.

I was watching The Daily Show last night and I like John Stewart's line about "Isn't it funny that the Republicans only give a shit about banning gay marriage in even-numbered (election) years?"

Anyway, that's enough for now, dear readers. I'm sure I'll be back with more ADD-driven nonsense shortly.

Well, today's a big day

2006-06-06T07:09:00.000-04:00

But it could be big for one of several reasons. It's the second day in a row that 2Doh slept thru the night, although the last 2 hours before her blessed slumber weren't very pleasant. Me thinks the carrots and mac and cheese didn't agree with her.

Another reason it could be big is that it COULD be the day that my new camera arrives. That day will be cause for great joy.

Yet another reason it could be a big day is that this very well could be "The End Of Days." With it being 6-6-06 and all, satanists, moviemakers and fire and brimstone evangelists will be screaming all day that this is THE day. Get your tinfoil hats out everybody, cuz WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

Well if it is, I wanted to send you off with an amusing story.

Sunday, someone I know (who shall remain nameless) walked into our local Best Buy to return his iPod FM modulator / charger because it didn't work to his satisfaction.

Nevermind that he bought it right after Christmas. Never mind that he had no receipt. He simply could not grasp why the assistant manager trainee wouldn't take back a six month old piece of "defective" equipment.

So this person, who shall still remain nameless, puts the FM modulator / charger on the counter, punches it, smashing it into pieces, and then says "Then you can stick THAT thing right up your ass!"

Man, I love temper tantrums by folks that lecture me about my road rage.

Another similar story was conveyed to us by my BIL's SIL. Apparently one of my BIL and his brother's friends (he's our friend too, but we met him thru my BIL years and years ago) had a similar experience at the Alpharetta Best Buy.

It seems that Scott was attempting to return a faulty television and the guy at the counter said "Well, we can send it to the factory for repair and you can get it back in a couple of months."

Scott replied "Ummm no. You can give me a new television and do whatever you want with this one that doesn't work."

Best Buy guy said no can do.

Scott went out to the car (two sons in tow), got the television, walked back into the lobby of the store, raised the television over his head and smashed it on the lobby floor and walked out of the store and went home.

I'm assuming he went home AFTER he stopped and bought another television from some other retailer.

Since the two tantrum havers used to be roommates, I'm starting to wonder if there wasn't some lead paint in the house they all used to share.

Have a great last day on planet earth everybody!! I'd say get drunk at lunch too, because I'd hate to waste the last day of man's existence on earth worried about what my stupid boss thought or caring what some stupid company policy had to say.

Shalom!!

I wish I had a penis

2006-06-05T08:15:00.000-04:00

I know that title might reflect poorly on me for those that don't know me and worse for those that do, but that sentence was uttered Saturday afternoon by 1Doh.

You see, we had plans for Saturday night. Sort of like a triple date. We were getting together at our neighbor's house with said neighbors and one other couple and each couple's respective children.

The eldest child of all three couples is four years old and were classmates this past year as well as soccer "teammates."

Anyway, a good time was had by all. There was next to no fit having save a couple of mortal wounds and some differing views on what everone should watch on DVD and from where. Further, the kids, as always, got along great.

However, the event that prompted me to write is this one.

Our hosts' next door neighbor lives on a VERY steep hill and, to the stage right side of his driveway, is a very steep grassy area. It turns out that three four-year-olds found that location ideal for some belly sledding.

That's right. Sliding down the hill head-first and heading towards the asphalt that makes up the cul-de-sac. It didn't phase the parents of the year nominees, as we were too busying having cold beers and conversation to really be watching.

That is until little Benjamin (halfway up the hill and facing Dominick who was at the top of the hill), pulled down his pants and underpants, hiked up his shirt and proceeded to paint a pee picture in the grass.

We all laughed. Well, his parents didn't laugh. They sighed and the mom said "See Russ!! I TOLD you he'd do that somewhere besides our yard."

Then, as if told by the Lord on high to retaliate, Dominick turned around, faced the bottom of the hill and proceeded to pee some penis peepee pirrouettes in Benjamin's direction.

At this point, I was so busy being doubled over laughing with Mark's other neighbor that I wasn't listening to the dialog, although I immediately remembered 1Doh saying that she wished she had a penis, and I'm pretty sure I had just witnessed a time where her having her own penis might have been helpful.

Sweet holy crap!

2006-06-02T09:44:00.000-04:00

The cast for Surreal Life 8 has been announced (according to some reality blog).

"Reality Blurred blog is reporting that the cast for Surreal Life 8 will include Randy "Macho Man" Savage, Phil Hellmuth, Playmate Tina Jordan, and Type O Negative's Peter Steele."

I can totally see Macho Man there as well as any centerfold and some band's singer, but Phil Helmeuth? A nine-time World Series of Poker Champion who is on tv every other day it seems like? HE'S similar to Tawny Kitaen, Vanilla Ice and Erik Estrada? Really?

Sure this is politically incorrect

2006-06-02T08:31:00.000-04:00

But it's a funny solution to the problem of how we can capture the illegal aliens currently in the US.

(For the record, it came from Boortz. Damn that redneck scrapbook is funny).

Story Time

2006-06-02T06:40:00.000-04:00

(This is a true story)

My brother in law across the street is many things:

A father.
A husband.
A son.
A brother.
A boater.
A hard worker.
A hard player.

One thing he is most certainly NOT is fond of the dentist.

It's funny. Here's a guy that I've seen pick up a rotting stinking 150 pound dead deer from his front porch without batting an eyelash, but he's a little nervous about going to the dentist.

Wait. That's not strong enough. Nor is the prior statement that he's "not fond" of the dentist. Let me see if I can put this in perspective. I think Todd would rather have a white hot rusty coat hanger jammed thru both of his eyes than go to the dentist.

So a month or so ago, he was having a little dental discomfort and broke down and went to the dentist. Said dentist told him he needed a root canal. Or four. Either way, he sucked it up and got the root canals done, and for that we were quite proud of him.

Not proud as in "You can pick out anything you want from the Wal-Mart toy section that's under fifty dollars" proud, but you know what I mean.

Fast forward to yesterday. Wednesday, the BIL and I had discussed the possibility of our two families going out for Mexican food together on Thursday and were set to go.

Then it was brought to GBD's and my attention that Nick was working and BIL had a meeting during dinner time, so the dinner was off for all we knew.

So I got home from work and recieved a phone call from GBD's middle sister saying that she was asked by the eldest sister (my neighbor) to call us and tell us that we weren't going out for dinner.

My reply was:

A) No shit. GBD and I have both talked to the queen and we both said that was fine.
B) Why is someone that is currently 200 feet from me calling someone six miles away to have them call me to tell me something I already know? Twice?

I called the Queen and asked her just that. She mentioned that in addition to what we'd previously discussed, another issue had come up at their casa. It seemed that the BIL had, without anyone's knowledge, gone to get his permanent crown installed yesterday afternoon. He did it this way so none of us would worry about him since we all know how fond he is of the dentist.

After covering all of that, he told this brief story. I will paraphrase, but I assure you that the result will be 100% accurate.

He went to the dentist, and everything was going along swimmingly. The office contained the Dentist himself, his top aide person, and two other nurse-type people.

As said Dentist was working on the crown and doing a little drilling, either the dentist slipped or the BIL did something like swallow or start doing the Alphabet Exercise with his tongue, but the result was the Dentist's drill inadvertently made contact with the fleshy area under the tongue right next to that little connecty thingy.

And by made contact, I mean that he stuck it into that spot so deep that the drill bogged down on him.

The dentist immediately ordered the two "other" nurses from the room and rushed to put in SEVEN STITCHES!!! Under his tongue!!!!

Are you kidding me? That's like one of those "I'd rather slide down a rusty razor blade into a vat of lemon juice" stories. It makes me shudder just typing it out like that.

To make the BIL feel better, we fetched him some Bruster's Ice Cream whilst he was at his meeting.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that a live vermin would have to crawl out of his mouth before he'd go back to the dentist now, and I'm not sure I blame him for that. I'm pretty sure that's how I would handle it anyway.

I think I've become an old man

2006-06-02T06:33:00.000-04:00

When you're 16 or 21 or even 26, you hear old men (translated: your dad and the fathers of your friends) say things about the clothes people are wearing, the music they're listening to or anything else, and you think to yourself "Man, what a loser. I'll never end up like THAT."

Well, in the last year or two, I've started saying things like "I sure wish the kid in that toyota corolla with spinners and a spoiler would turn that Wu Tang Clan down," and "My kids will NEVER be caught DEAD in THAT!" and other old man things.

Then today, I stumbled across this picture. I want to preface this by saying that there's no way on God's green ball of dirt and water that I would ever just cruise the GAP site. Ever. This was a link I found on a site I read every day for amusement.

Anyway, here's the picture.

Now I will make the following statement:

I would, even at age 37, still feel compelled and quite driven to beat the shit out of a guy I saw wearing capri pants. If I was near a PRIDE parade or something, it would be quite different. But if, say, one of my nephew's buddies showed up at the house in these, I'd be given no choice but to throw him on the floor and give him a series of uber-painful purple nurples, Indian sunburns and even an atomic wedgie if I were so inclined.

So be warned, metro Atlanta. TMLSB is on the prowl, and he ain't cottonin' to no dudes wearing capris.

Although, the kicky thongs might have to go on my wish list...

Boring Post Alert!!!

2006-06-01T14:46:00.000-04:00

I need some advice and / or information from you, my readers.

We have really ratcheted up the number and different types of photos that we take over the last few years, and now I'm at the point where I'd like to take the next step in photography and make the move to an entry level Digital SLR camera.

I spent a decent amount of time taking pictures as a kid and even had a hand-me-down Minolta SRT100 in high school in college.

So anyway, I've been doing a good bit of research and handling of digital SLR cameras, and I've narrowed my choices down to two:

The Nikon D50 and the Nikon D70s.

If any of you have any experience with either of these cameras or know of anyone who does, I'd appreciate any input or information or guidance you can offer me.

Here's a job I didn't want

2006-06-01T14:40:00.000-04:00

Today the wife had to take the kids for their four year and six month checkups respectively. I didn't envy her at all. I think 1Doh knew in her heart of hearts that she was in for a shot, and she KNEW 2Doh was, so there had to be some tension in the minivan.

GBD upsold the event by telling 1Doh that because she was big and four years old, she got to pee in a cup today. I don't understand why she (or any kid) would give a shit about that, but apparently they do.

Here are a couple of camera phone pictures from the visit:

Oh, and just an FYI. We (against better judgement) stayed up until midnight to watch "For Love of The Game" last night, and 2Doh promptly needed feeding at 12:30am, then needed a pacifier at about 1:30am, then 1Doh came in for a ninja visit (sold to me as "daddy, I can't find Piggy!" complete with sticking out lower lip.

Then there were two more pacifier trips followed by a 4:30am feeding.

Shit am I tired...

further cody updates

2006-05-31T13:10:00.000-04:00

word has now come down that he shattered the right side of his jaw and fractured the left.

He's a nice kid, so any thoughts or well-wishes you could send his way would be appreciated...

Update on Cody

2006-05-31T10:24:00.000-04:00

I just talked to my sister in law, and the word is that Cody's dentist sent him to the emergency room last night with a broken jaw.

I would like to re-state, for the record, that your kids should be wearing helmets on bikes, skateboards, scooters, and the like. Hell, all of you adults should too...

A brief but sobering meeting

2006-05-31T06:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon, my nephew's buddy came over for a visit and possibly a trip to Lake Lanier to do a little wakeboarding. While the boys were waiting to leave, this friend decided to do some tooling around on his mountain version of a skateboard. If you're not familiar with them, they look like this:

Next thing we know, Cody's leaning up against his truck bleeding from his chin, his palms, both sides of his stomach (where he's ground down the flesh nearly to the bone where the sides of his pelvis are), he's busted his lip badly and we're not sure at that point about his teeth or his noggin.

See, Cody was riding this thing on the street barefoot with no shirt and no helmet. And apparently he had just six months prior had the first of three or four surgeries to repair a horribly broken upper jaw after an accident saw him drive his own knee basically through his top teeth and more.

The reason I post this is that I don't care that kids don't think helmets look cool. They need to wear them. My nephew doesn't ask not to wear a helmet to football practice, yet he and his buddies will tear off on scooters and all modes of transport dressed only in shorts.

Parents, tell your kiddies that the rules are simple: No shoes, no shirt, no helmet = No riding.

By the way, we're still waiting to hear how Cody's doing. When his parents came to get him, the dentist was already waiting for him to assess the damage. We were also a bit concerned about a concussion, but we'll see what happens when we know more...

May 30th and back to the old salt lick

2006-05-30T06:47:00.000-04:00

I have been off for what seems like a year even though it's only been ten days. Our first family vacation was a HUGE success, complete with retarded touristy t-shirts, post cards, shotglasses, etc.

The weekend after we got home from Hilton Head gave us some good times too. Sunday was an all day watchracingeateggedfoodgetdrunkapalooza that saw my friends Fred and Ethel over at my house for the second consecutive Memorial Day Sunday to watch three races:

The Indy 500
The Grand Prix of Monaco
The Coke 600

And for the second year in a row, Fred got sleepy and left before the 600 was over, which is starting to get annoying. LOL

Also in attendance were our neighbors Stephen and Amanda, who have now been roped in to teaching 1Doh how to swim.

Yesterday was an awesome day of poolside relaxation, cooking a pile of food and staying up WAY too late with company over considering it was a school night for those of us that are lucky enough to have to work at 6am.

Needless to say, I am beyond tired and considering a cup or 47 of our delicious institutional coffee. That should tell you how desperate I am.

Today I will spend the bulk of what little free time I have exchanging some sunglasses, getting bigger kitchen trash bags over at the Berkley and Jensen's, and hopefully uploading all of my vacation pictures to Flickr.com

And don't worry. I'll post a link so you don't miss a minute of my hot topless action. Of me. Topless.

Enjoy and have a great Tuesday everybody.

A few forgotten items from our vacation

2006-05-27T22:25:00.000-04:00

As the wife and I were sitting here chuckling over a few comments from ESPN's The Sports Guy and his latest column, we started thinking about a few funny things that happened during this vacation.

Here are a few in no particular order:

I walked out of our room during a moment where Lauren had just gotten out of the tub and was not yet dressed, Sophia was on the floor in a diaper but no pajamas, and the wife was off somewhere looking for said pajamas.

As I came out of the room, I saw 1Doh bent over holding her butt and displaying her umm...butthole about six inches from her sister's face. I said "LAUREN!! Stop showing your sister your brown-eye!" I immediately heard laughter from the wife in the other room.

This morning at 6:30am, 1Doh got up and came into our room and climbed into bed, and about five minutes later started saying "I need my beebee," over and over again.

After about ten or fifty of these, I said "Baby, you don't need your beebee."

She replied "Daddy, I love you. But I need my beebee."

Sophia farting in my wife's lap at the pool so loudly that the other people around the baby pool all simultaneously snapped their heads around. (Or at least that what my wife said).

1Doh asking nineteen miles from our Tae Kwon Do "Are we almost home?" Then, rougly 30 miles from home asking "Daddy, are we near the beach?"

I'm sure I'll think of more.

Oh yeah, on day one the elder urchin had been out on the porch coloring and had been inside for a while, and while she was inside, someone closed the sliding glass door.

Then, about 15 minutes later, 1Doh got up to head back out for more coloring and hit the middle of the door at a four year old's excited pace right with the end of her nose.

Yes it was sad right then, but later when we reflected on it, it really was funny. Especially when she insisted on drawing a picture of a girl with an X thru her and hanging it eye high with a band-aid, mostly to remind her not to walk into or thru said sliding glass door.

My mom saying "You guys enjoy the rest of your week. Let me know if you find my black bra."

Yikes.

Me losing and not losing my ring and my iPod as well and then writing my obscenity-laced tirade about the latter.

More to follow...

A turn for the worse: an addendum

2006-05-27T21:31:00.000-04:00

We at TMLSB.blogspot.com do not necessarily share the beliefs and opinions of their primary blogger, TMLSB, especially considering yesterdays' diatribe (shown below):

Though it's not the end of the world, and it's not NEARLY as bad as the thought of losing my ring, it appears now that someone stole my iPod out of the car on day one of our vacation. I have checked every piece of luggage and every square inch of the car. I never took thee iPod out of the car after our arrival.

Now, please allow me just one moment to say:

GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING COCKSUCKING BULLSHIT PIECE OF SHIT BASTARD SON OF A BITCH FUCKTARD!!

Now, I'll spend the next month trying to find a good deal online to buy a replacement for my not yet one year old photo iPod.

And to the shitass that stole my iPod, I hope your genitals fall off and that in their place grows an organism that gives you an electric shock every 60 seconds for the rest of your life.

Or that you get hit by a heavy slow moving car.

Then again, maybe it was stolen by someone who will sell it to pay for food and milk for their child(ren) or maybe pay for shoes for some poor relative.

Yeah, I don't think it's that either...

It seems that while he was cleaning up around the Tae Kwon Do, TMLSB was cleaning up trash and as he picked up a Medium Brown Bag to add to the trash because he and everyone else had been using it for a lint basket all week, he noticed a can of play-doh at the bottom.

While extricating the play-doh, he noticed other play-doh cans. Then, under a pile of lint about a foot thick, he found his iPod.

Conclusion: After the episodes of the week, we the management team at TMLSB feel that our main writer is, in fact, a dumbass.

We humbly apologize for his idiocy.

That said, we encourage you to return and read his moronic ramblings in the future.

Day 7 takes a turn for the worse....

2006-05-26T21:54:00.000-04:00

Though it's not the end of the world, and it's not NEARLY as bad as the thought of losing my ring, it appears now that someone stole my iPod out of the car on day one of our vacation. I have checked every piece of luggage and every square inch of the car. I never took thee iPod out of the car after our arrival.

Now, please allow me just one moment to say:

GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING COCKSUCKING BULLSHIT PIECE OF SHIT BASTARD SON OF A BITCH FUCKTARD!!

Now, I'll spend the next month trying to find a good deal online to buy a replacement for my not yet one year old photo iPod.

And to the shitass that stole my iPod, I hope your genitals fall off and that in their place grows an organism that gives you an electric shock every 60 seconds for the rest of your life.

Or that you get hit by a heavy slow moving car.

Then again, maybe it was stolen by someone who will sell it to pay for food and milk for their child(ren) or maybe pay for shoes for some poor relative.

Yeah, I don't think it's that either...

Day 7: Armageddon

2006-05-26T17:46:00.004-04:00

So today we got up, ate, dressed, waited for the girls to get up (1Doh at 8:30 and 2Doh at 8:15) and once they were ready, we all hit the pool about 9:20am.

10am brought us to the sand dollar painting and then we were back out at the pool at 1o:20am. We stayed out there until around 11:45am and headed in and I went back out and got some pizza from the Marriott Market Place (Greatest sundry shop and cafe / food source since the Tiger Club at CDV at Auburn).

We headed back out around 12:30pm to the pool and went non-stop until around 2:15pm when 1Doh started complaining about her eyes. (FYI: The pools are saltwater pools and she was doing a LOT of underwater exploring in the pee-laced kids pool).

At 2:35pm 1Doh completely melted down into a snot-filled crying jag, but didn't want to leave the pool.

Next stop: Our Tae Kwon Do.

1Doh hit the rack at 2:55pm and 2Doh did the same.

I rushed out of the condo to re-hit the Nike Outlet and then did drive bys at Reebok, Tumi luggage and a kick freaking ass kitchen and cookware store. Oh, and I got a new briefcase / computer case at the Samsonite store that rocks, and I got a small laptop case for GBD as well.

Yes. I am a dong.

2Doh got up around 3:45pm. I got home from shopping at around 5:15pm. 1Doh was still out. Hard.

2Doh started whining so I put her down at 5:40pm and she crashed in five seconds. Literally.

1Doh got at 5:45pm. A girl that never EVER naps took a nearly three-hour nap.

Now tonight we'll let her stay up late, get her down about when we hit the rack, and she'll be tired when we're ready to go by 9am or so.

High fives around.

(This post is subject to change depending upon either child's demeanor for the rest of the evening or overnight).

We're waiting for Chunky to wake up and then heading to Marley's for dinner. Back Later.

a couple of pictures

2006-05-26T12:45:00.000-04:00

Day 6: Lord of the touristy nonsense

2006-05-26T08:52:00.000-04:00

We hit the Harbourtown Lighthouse yesterday, which is what every person that comes to this island is supposed to do. Here's a shot from the webcam on the roof:

Our trip to the Harbour was our second of the week, but the first one that I had any real recollection of, since I was poisoned two days earlier at the same location. (see Day 4 blog).

I took a bunch of yacht pictures from both ground level and from atop the lighthouse and I hope they turned out okay. I will be gathering those later today and hope to cull the terrible from the just bad.

After that it was off to the photographer to review the pictures we had taken the night before behind the hotel. All I can say is that despite the appearance of the male subject matter (me), the pictures turned out great. I have always wanted to have family pictures around the house and these will fill that bill perfectly. We should have them in about a month and I will throw some out here then.

We had to bid a melancholy adieu to Nana and Mr. Bill who, despite succumbing to our pressures and staying an extra day, could stay no longer. Lauren was sad that her Nana and Mr. Bill had to go, as were we all.

After the first of what I expect will be several weepy moments as our vacation week comes to an end, we headed for the pool directly behind our building. For the first time this week it was not frozen, so I was able to endeavor into it and chase 1Doh and some other pool orphans around in the water.

We decided to take in a semi-early dinner at Harbourtown's Crabby Crab, so we hit the Harbourtown area for the third time in three days. We decided to call CampCashion and see if they wanted to join us, which of course they did.

By the time all parties arrived and out table for 13 was ready, I had found plenty of time to wander the marina again and hopefully take some sweet near-sunset pictures which I also hope turned out.

We had a great though crazy-hectic dinner with the CC's that included five kids and three under two years of age. At 8pm or so, those kids get a little jumpy due to lack of sleep. I had a good but far smaller dinner than I had the night before, and thanks to some Marriott coupons, our dinner was only $34!!!

Then it was outside so the kids could dance to one of the many outdoor accoustic guitar guys, and these kids were dancing like a bunch of Phish fans, which was hilarious to see. Took a few more pictures and headed back to the Tae Kwon Do.

1Doh was so exhausted we didn't even bother getting her out of her Hilton Head t-shirt (which she showed and "read" to about 100 people yesterday by saying "This says Hilton Head!!"). 2Doh was also spent and that left the wife and I a few quiet minutes to catch the last ten minutes of "The Office" and then "ER."

Except the wife fell asleep about seven minutes into ER (which I told her she would) and I fell asleep about ten minutes later. There's nothing more romantic on vacation that two folks beer snoring on seperate sofas.

Today should be swimming, Sand Dollar painting, and hopefully some picture editing and posting.

Shalom everybody. More to come...