Yesterday afternoon was the same as pretty much any afternoon when I got home from work. Lauren was excited to see me, although yesterday she was VERY excited since the new Diego was on TV.

For those without kids, Diego is Dora’s male cousin. I think he was created because the parents of all of the boys in the world were concerned that it wasn’t healthy for their sons to be playing with girl dolls and wanting to be a girl for Halloween. So, corporate America responds with Diego, bi-lingual adventure boy and increases their sales by 100%. Yay.

We then had a lovely flank steak with Béarnaise sauce dinner, complete with rice and squash, the latter of which of course I, a devout carnivour, did not eat. While I cleaned the kitchen, the wife and the urchin went outside to play.

It is here that I must introduce several characters. If you have read my blog for a while, you’ll know the person I’ll refer to as FBS girl or just FBS. Because I don’t want to be accused of being coarse or unrefined, that’s what I’ll call the 5 year old girl that screamed “THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!” last Sunday after being told she’d be going inside the house as a disciplinary measure. This child is a rude, boorish, disobedient little shit with tendencies towards violence.

The other child involved is a 4 year old who is also a neighbor, and he is a rude, disobedient little shit. He just doesn’t cuss. He makes up for it, however, by throwing fantastic hissy fits that can last as long as 45 minutes, and have been thrown in the past on my garage floor. My favorite part about his folks’ parenting style is his dad’s desperate need to be liked, so he coddles him and tolerates all kinds of stuff.

Except when Dad’s “had enough,” which I think I’ve only seen once. He sternly walked over to the boy, picked him up and said “you don’t want me to have to get out Mr. Tickles, now do you?”

Not only is that something I don’t want to see, but I should have called DFACS as soon as he said it.

Anyway, these two children’s parents are very nice, and I know that parenting skills differ and it takes different things for different kids, but these four folks are failing miserably and their kids reflect that.

Now, know this. I leave in the morning well before my urchin awakens from her slumber, and if I get home at 5pm, I have exactly two and a half hours to spend where it’s just the three of us. We try to get outside for a while every night so Lauren can play and we can talk.

Anyway, these are the children and here’s the story.

Yesterday evening after cleaning up from dinner, we headed out front for some yard time. Uncle Todd and Heather and the boys also came over a little later, but not for the first 30 minutes or so.

FBS girl and her mom popped outside and asked if Lauren could come over and play. We replied that no, she could not, as we wanted her to play outside for a little while. FBS girl and her mom headed back inside and we figured that was it.

But no. Out come the mom, FBS girl and young Mr. Tickles, whose dad was apparently helping put in some light fixtures at FBS’ house. So here we all come to our front yard for some play time.

And here’s where I start to have a problem. You can raise your kid any way you want in your house. Really. That’s fine. But when you bring your kid(s) outside and their rearing starts affecting my kid, that’s when I get involved.

See, FBS girl is a brutish bully of a girl who, when she thinks no one is looking, likes to hit other kids, break things, and generally cause mayhem. I’ve seen it first hand. I do not turn my back on her for a second.

Mr. Tickles goes wherever he wants regardless of what any adults say (including inside my house more than once), cries horrifically when he doesn’t get his way, and also likes to break things. I also don’t turn my back on him for a second.

So wee tell the 3 kids to stay in my front yard. Period. Play tag, roll around, play soccer, whatever, but stay here. First thing out of the gate while playing tag, FBS girl throws Lauren to the ground. It’s not an accident. It never is. Then Mr. Tickles tags my daughter in the face with a fist. So much for this game. Lauren doesn’t cry, but she doesn’t understand kids like this. This behavior is not tolerated in our home.

We then go to soccer. Lauren gets a soccer ball, and FBS girl runs up and takes it. I tell her we have other balls to play with, and ask her to return Lauren’s and please go get another one for herself. She storms and stomps as does Mr. Tickles, who likes to hit himself in the head and growl when he doesn’t get his way.

Then the two children not of my loins begin leaving the yard. This brings out the new disciplinary tactic of FBS’s mom: “This is your final behavior warning, FBS. Do not take another step.” Repeat this 50 times with no ramifications and you’ve about got it down. Surprisingly, the child ignores her and continues inching towards where she’s going to see how far she can go. Lauren won’t dare.

I spend the next 45 minutes doing nothing other than watching these kids because they are constantly heading just out of eyesight and immediately doing things they’ve been told not to do. Lauren starts getting confused, as she wants to play with them, but doesn’t understand how they can continually disobey and not get in trouble.

So, we’ve had several multiple warning events, shoving incidents, hitting, sharing issues, and general bad sandbox skills. I am growing weary. Molly and I have discussed in recent days how we are going to address our concerns, especially with FSB’s parents, since they’re new and nice, but I’m fairly certain their kid’s the anti-Christ.

About that time, FBS grabs Lauren by the hand and runs in the opposite direction. This spins Lauren around, flings her feet out from under her and all I see is her feet up and her head falling. Lauren lands with a sickening thud, which is produced when the back of her head lands on the concrete driveway.

I went to her, picked her up, leaned over to about an inch from FBS’s face and screamed “YOU GO HOME!!!” and promptly took my child inside.

I have since been told that the several minutes that my in-laws and the neighbor stayed outside in my driveway were uncomfortable for all of them. I’d say I was sorry about that, but I’m not.

Lauren’s fine, aside from a nice knot on the back of her head, two scraped elbows and the confusion that comes from a 3 year old wondering why another kid is constantly doing these things to her.

See, I refuse to waste the little time I get each day with my child disciplining other people’s shit-ass kids. I love my daughter and I enjoy this time, and I enjoy that she is a well-disciplined, compassionate and polite child that is considerate of others, kids and adults alike. I think it’s likely that, as adults, FBS will be a serial killer and that Mr. Tickles will be an accomplice.

I feel bad that this morning, my wife will most assuredly field a call from FBS’s mom apologizing but at the same time taking issue with how I handled the situation. I have advised the wife that, if she doesn’t want to talk about it with FBS’ mom, she can direct that call to me.

I would simply say that while we enjoy your company, it is impossible for our child to play with your child if your child is going to act this way. We expect our children and all children to treat each other with respect and to obey adults and have basic manners. We work very hard to teach our daughter this and find that time with your child undoes this hard work at an alarming rate. Hopefully your child will begin behaving better and obeying adults and being respectful (which includes not talking like a penitentiary inmate), and when she does she is welcome to play with our child. But not until then.

So, look for more blogs in the future as this story unfolds, which it clearly will…