word has now come down that he shattered the right side of his jaw and fractured the left.

He's a nice kid, so any thoughts or well-wishes you could send his way would be appreciated...

I just talked to my sister in law, and the word is that Cody's dentist sent him to the emergency room last night with a broken jaw.

I would like to re-state, for the record, that your kids should be wearing helmets on bikes, skateboards, scooters, and the like. Hell, all of you adults should too...

Yesterday afternoon, my nephew's buddy came over for a visit and possibly a trip to Lake Lanier to do a little wakeboarding. While the boys were waiting to leave, this friend decided to do some tooling around on his mountain version of a skateboard. If you're not familiar with them, they look like this:


Next thing we know, Cody's leaning up against his truck bleeding from his chin, his palms, both sides of his stomach (where he's ground down the flesh nearly to the bone where the sides of his pelvis are), he's busted his lip badly and we're not sure at that point about his teeth or his noggin.

See, Cody was riding this thing on the street barefoot with no shirt and no helmet. And apparently he had just six months prior had the first of three or four surgeries to repair a horribly broken upper jaw after an accident saw him drive his own knee basically through his top teeth and more.

The reason I post this is that I don't care that kids don't think helmets look cool. They need to wear them. My nephew doesn't ask not to wear a helmet to football practice, yet he and his buddies will tear off on scooters and all modes of transport dressed only in shorts.

Parents, tell your kiddies that the rules are simple: No shoes, no shirt, no helmet = No riding.

By the way, we're still waiting to hear how Cody's doing. When his parents came to get him, the dentist was already waiting for him to assess the damage. We were also a bit concerned about a concussion, but we'll see what happens when we know more...

I have been off for what seems like a year even though it's only been ten days. Our first family vacation was a HUGE success, complete with retarded touristy t-shirts, post cards, shotglasses, etc.

The weekend after we got home from Hilton Head gave us some good times too. Sunday was an all day watchracingeateggedfoodgetdrunkapalooza that saw my friends Fred and Ethel over at my house for the second consecutive Memorial Day Sunday to watch three races:

The Indy 500
The Grand Prix of Monaco
The Coke 600

And for the second year in a row, Fred got sleepy and left before the 600 was over, which is starting to get annoying. LOL

Also in attendance were our neighbors Stephen and Amanda, who have now been roped in to teaching 1Doh how to swim.

Yesterday was an awesome day of poolside relaxation, cooking a pile of food and staying up WAY too late with company over considering it was a school night for those of us that are lucky enough to have to work at 6am.

Needless to say, I am beyond tired and considering a cup or 47 of our delicious institutional coffee. That should tell you how desperate I am.

Today I will spend the bulk of what little free time I have exchanging some sunglasses, getting bigger kitchen trash bags over at the Berkley and Jensen's, and hopefully uploading all of my vacation pictures to Flickr.com

And don't worry. I'll post a link so you don't miss a minute of my hot topless action. Of me. Topless.

Enjoy and have a great Tuesday everybody.

As the wife and I were sitting here chuckling over a few comments from ESPN's The Sports Guy and his latest column, we started thinking about a few funny things that happened during this vacation.

Here are a few in no particular order:

I walked out of our room during a moment where Lauren had just gotten out of the tub and was not yet dressed, Sophia was on the floor in a diaper but no pajamas, and the wife was off somewhere looking for said pajamas.

As I came out of the room, I saw 1Doh bent over holding her butt and displaying her umm...butthole about six inches from her sister's face. I said "LAUREN!! Stop showing your sister your brown-eye!" I immediately heard laughter from the wife in the other room.

This morning at 6:30am, 1Doh got up and came into our room and climbed into bed, and about five minutes later started saying "I need my beebee," over and over again.

After about ten or fifty of these, I said "Baby, you don't need your beebee."

She replied "Daddy, I love you. But I need my beebee."

Sophia farting in my wife's lap at the pool so loudly that the other people around the baby pool all simultaneously snapped their heads around. (Or at least that what my wife said).

1Doh asking nineteen miles from our Tae Kwon Do "Are we almost home?" Then, rougly 30 miles from home asking "Daddy, are we near the beach?"

I'm sure I'll think of more.

Oh yeah, on day one the elder urchin had been out on the porch coloring and had been inside for a while, and while she was inside, someone closed the sliding glass door.

Then, about 15 minutes later, 1Doh got up to head back out for more coloring and hit the middle of the door at a four year old's excited pace right with the end of her nose.

Yes it was sad right then, but later when we reflected on it, it really was funny. Especially when she insisted on drawing a picture of a girl with an X thru her and hanging it eye high with a band-aid, mostly to remind her not to walk into or thru said sliding glass door.

My mom saying "You guys enjoy the rest of your week. Let me know if you find my black bra."

Yikes.

Me losing and not losing my ring and my iPod as well and then writing my obscenity-laced tirade about the latter.

More to follow...

We at TMLSB.blogspot.com do not necessarily share the beliefs and opinions of their primary blogger, TMLSB, especially considering yesterdays' diatribe (shown below):

Though it's not the end of the world, and it's not NEARLY as bad as the thought of losing my ring, it appears now that someone stole my iPod out of the car on day one of our vacation. I have checked every piece of luggage and every square inch of the car. I never took thee iPod out of the car after our arrival.

Now, please allow me just one moment to say:

GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING COCKSUCKING BULLSHIT PIECE OF SHIT BASTARD SON OF A BITCH FUCKTARD!!

Now, I'll spend the next month trying to find a good deal online to buy a replacement for my not yet one year old photo iPod.

And to the shitass that stole my iPod, I hope your genitals fall off and that in their place grows an organism that gives you an electric shock every 60 seconds for the rest of your life.

Or that you get hit by a heavy slow moving car.

Then again, maybe it was stolen by someone who will sell it to pay for food and milk for their child(ren) or maybe pay for shoes for some poor relative.

Yeah, I don't think it's that either...


It seems that while he was cleaning up around the Tae Kwon Do, TMLSB was cleaning up trash and as he picked up a Medium Brown Bag to add to the trash because he and everyone else had been using it for a lint basket all week, he noticed a can of play-doh at the bottom.

While extricating the play-doh, he noticed other play-doh cans. Then, under a pile of lint about a foot thick, he found his iPod.

Conclusion: After the episodes of the week, we the management team at TMLSB feel that our main writer is, in fact, a dumbass.

We humbly apologize for his idiocy.

That said, we encourage you to return and read his moronic ramblings in the future.

Though it's not the end of the world, and it's not NEARLY as bad as the thought of losing my ring, it appears now that someone stole my iPod out of the car on day one of our vacation. I have checked every piece of luggage and every square inch of the car. I never took thee iPod out of the car after our arrival.

Now, please allow me just one moment to say:

GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING COCKSUCKING BULLSHIT PIECE OF SHIT BASTARD SON OF A BITCH FUCKTARD!!

Now, I'll spend the next month trying to find a good deal online to buy a replacement for my not yet one year old photo iPod.

And to the shitass that stole my iPod, I hope your genitals fall off and that in their place grows an organism that gives you an electric shock every 60 seconds for the rest of your life.

Or that you get hit by a heavy slow moving car.

Then again, maybe it was stolen by someone who will sell it to pay for food and milk for their child(ren) or maybe pay for shoes for some poor relative.

Yeah, I don't think it's that either...

So today we got up, ate, dressed, waited for the girls to get up (1Doh at 8:30 and 2Doh at 8:15) and once they were ready, we all hit the pool about 9:20am.

10am brought us to the sand dollar painting and then we were back out at the pool at 1o:20am. We stayed out there until around 11:45am and headed in and I went back out and got some pizza from the Marriott Market Place (Greatest sundry shop and cafe / food source since the Tiger Club at CDV at Auburn).

We headed back out around 12:30pm to the pool and went non-stop until around 2:15pm when 1Doh started complaining about her eyes. (FYI: The pools are saltwater pools and she was doing a LOT of underwater exploring in the pee-laced kids pool).

At 2:35pm 1Doh completely melted down into a snot-filled crying jag, but didn't want to leave the pool.

Next stop: Our Tae Kwon Do.

1Doh hit the rack at 2:55pm and 2Doh did the same.

I rushed out of the condo to re-hit the Nike Outlet and then did drive bys at Reebok, Tumi luggage and a kick freaking ass kitchen and cookware store. Oh, and I got a new briefcase / computer case at the Samsonite store that rocks, and I got a small laptop case for GBD as well.

Yes. I am a dong.

2Doh got up around 3:45pm. I got home from shopping at around 5:15pm. 1Doh was still out. Hard.

2Doh started whining so I put her down at 5:40pm and she crashed in five seconds. Literally.

1Doh got at 5:45pm. A girl that never EVER naps took a nearly three-hour nap.

Now tonight we'll let her stay up late, get her down about when we hit the rack, and she'll be tired when we're ready to go by 9am or so.

High fives around.

(This post is subject to change depending upon either child's demeanor for the rest of the evening or overnight).

We're waiting for Chunky to wake up and then heading to Marley's for dinner. Back Later.

We hit the Harbourtown Lighthouse yesterday, which is what every person that comes to this island is supposed to do. Here's a shot from the webcam on the roof:

Our trip to the Harbour was our second of the week, but the first one that I had any real recollection of, since I was poisoned two days earlier at the same location. (see Day 4 blog).

I took a bunch of yacht pictures from both ground level and from atop the lighthouse and I hope they turned out okay. I will be gathering those later today and hope to cull the terrible from the just bad.

After that it was off to the photographer to review the pictures we had taken the night before behind the hotel. All I can say is that despite the appearance of the male subject matter (me), the pictures turned out great. I have always wanted to have family pictures around the house and these will fill that bill perfectly. We should have them in about a month and I will throw some out here then.

We had to bid a melancholy adieu to Nana and Mr. Bill who, despite succumbing to our pressures and staying an extra day, could stay no longer. Lauren was sad that her Nana and Mr. Bill had to go, as were we all.

After the first of what I expect will be several weepy moments as our vacation week comes to an end, we headed for the pool directly behind our building. For the first time this week it was not frozen, so I was able to endeavor into it and chase 1Doh and some other pool orphans around in the water.

We decided to take in a semi-early dinner at Harbourtown's Crabby Crab, so we hit the Harbourtown area for the third time in three days. We decided to call CampCashion and see if they wanted to join us, which of course they did.

By the time all parties arrived and out table for 13 was ready, I had found plenty of time to wander the marina again and hopefully take some sweet near-sunset pictures which I also hope turned out.

We had a great though crazy-hectic dinner with the CC's that included five kids and three under two years of age. At 8pm or so, those kids get a little jumpy due to lack of sleep. I had a good but far smaller dinner than I had the night before, and thanks to some Marriott coupons, our dinner was only $34!!!

Then it was outside so the kids could dance to one of the many outdoor accoustic guitar guys, and these kids were dancing like a bunch of Phish fans, which was hilarious to see. Took a few more pictures and headed back to the Tae Kwon Do.

1Doh was so exhausted we didn't even bother getting her out of her Hilton Head t-shirt (which she showed and "read" to about 100 people yesterday by saying "This says Hilton Head!!"). 2Doh was also spent and that left the wife and I a few quiet minutes to catch the last ten minutes of "The Office" and then "ER."

Except the wife fell asleep about seven minutes into ER (which I told her she would) and I fell asleep about ten minutes later. There's nothing more romantic on vacation that two folks beer snoring on seperate sofas.

Today should be swimming, Sand Dollar painting, and hopefully some picture editing and posting.

Shalom everybody. More to come...

Yesterday was supposed to be a relatively quiet day. It really wasn't.

We hit the pool around 10am like usual, and hung out for a couple of hours until it was time for 2Doh's nap.

Backing up a bit, I realized in the morning that I couldn't find my ring. The wife got me a family crest ring years ago that means a lot to me. On Monday it nearly fell off in the ocean, so I decided to take it off and put it "someplace safe." Our room has a safe in it, and that would have been the logical place, but alas, I'm a fucktard and chose a spot on an end table behind a book. Go figure.

Anyway, yesterday morning I couldn't find the ring. And it started to eat at me. A lot. We looked pretty thoroughly and it got to the point that I was calling the places we went on Tuesday even though I knew I hadn't worn it that afternoon.

At around 11am or so, the wife finally suggested we return and do a hard-target search for said item. I thought that sounded like a good idea.

We proceeded to toss the room like DEA agents, however we were having no luck. Just when we were about to give up and I was about to have a fit, the wife opened the Talking Dora House in the den and heard a "CLANG!" sound. It was my ring. Now tell me how it got in the Dora house.

Regardless of how, a certain disaster was averted. Not that it can't be replaced, but the disaster would have been my ruining the rest of the vacation fuming about it.

GBD headed back to the pool for a while with everyone while I stayed with the napping 2Doh. Everyone came back around 2:30pm and we started planning our afternoon, which was to include a trip to the mall for a white buttondown shirt for professional photos to be taken yesterday evening, dinner somewhere and finally said photo session.

We got behind and had to rush, but got some fine shirts at the Mall and then headed for dinner at a place called Steamers over in Coligny Square. I was looking for casual atmosphere and big portions and seafood. I got all three there.

I ordered the garlic butter mussels for an appetizer. I shared three.

Then I proceeded to order a meal that included:

a dozen mussels
a dozen steamed oysters
a dozen steamed clams
a dozen shrimp
a dozen crawfish
blackened lobster tail
about a cup of melted butter
and steel bucket for my carcass trash.

I had never eaten clams or steamed oysters, but I did then. they rocked. I skipped the crawfish. Everything else was devoured.

Yummmmmy.

Then it was home to change and get the girls dressed and rush to Barony in Port Royal for the pictures. We won't see them all until we view the contact sheet today, but the ones I saw were great. Not of us, but the girls did amazingly well and looked just great in their little linen dresses. I can't wait to get some ordered.

Then it was home to watch the series finale of LOST.

Which reminds me, don't start watching a season finale with two people who haven't watched an episode of the show. The two hours was filled with "Who's that?" and "What did he just do?" and "Where did they get that from?" and other such questions.

Oh, and it finished with "They better not leave me hanging like this!!"

Um, Bill...it's a season finale. You're gonna get left hanging on those. LOL

Today, Nana and Mr. Bill have to go home and it's too bad. They've been great and ridiculously helpful and it's been a wonderful vacation with them. I look forward to doing this again next year and every year after that.

Next stop: a trip to the top of the lighthouse, the pool, the beach, some crafty thing for 1Doh and then whatever the afternoon brings us.

Hopefully there'll be many more photos today.

Stay tuned...

Yesterday started off innocently enough. Our only real plan was to hit the beach at Sea Pines with CampCashion and Company for a couple of hours, then home for rest and a return to the Harbor Town area for a little walking around looking at the enormous yachts and a casual dinner.

After our usual breakfast of bagels in some form or another, we hit the Harris Teeter for various perishable and non-perishable goods including some impulse buys like a huge can of whipped cream, ice cream and some Dora vitamins. I figured doing that at 7:45am would leave us plenty of time to get to the beach when we wanted.

Boy was I wrong.

Apparently, if the family gets dressed and heads to the grocery store at 7:45am, the earliest they can actually get to the beach is about 11:30am. I know we're on vacation and have no schedule to speak of, but that infuriated me for some reason.

By the way, I got over my crankiness by starting drinking at 11:31am.

The CampCashion contingent were well organized and fully engulfed in fun when we hit the beach. Lauren (who I am renaming 1Doh now) had a plethora of kids to play with that were armed with every imaginable beach toy. What was supposed to be a 60 to 90 minute visit turned into a nearly five hour day at Sea Pines.

But the best part of the day (for everyone else anyway) occurred after noon as the tide started to come in.

We had multiple viewings of many dolphins (and possibly an entire pod) including at least one very young dolphin. And I'm not talking about "Hey, I think I see a speck on the horizon that could be a dolphin or maybe it's a container ship." I'm talking about "Hey, is that a dolphin right there 25 yards from shore?"

Truly amazing. After the 55 dollar per person dolphin viewing tour boat left, it seemed that the dolphins were taunting the recently departed tourists by giving us an extended free dolphin viewing. It was awesome.


Then we spent almost an hour watching schools of stingrays swim by as close as ten feet from shore.

The kids also got to play with several hermit crabs that they found just wandering around in six inches of water, and then they got a jolt when they saw a blue crab that was about eight inches across scurrying out from his little hidey hole in a foot of water right in the middle of where we were all walking.

But back to my over-consumption. We came back and got showered up and headed back to Sea Pines to check out Harbor Town and the surrounding fun. They have a HUGE playground, some cool shops and outdoor restaurants, the big light house and many enormous yachts. After playground time, the wife, kids and grandparents hit the boardwalk, I parked my wobbly ass in front of the accoustic guitar guy and very close to the outdoor bar that apparently had no policy about selling two beers at a time to an obviously hammered customer. (In case you are confused, I'm talking about me).

We returned home at a reasonable hour, although in retrospect a "reasonable" time to return home would have been about 11:20am.

We took another in-room hot pool and upon exiting, I kicked 1Doh in the neck. She forgave me, and when I went into her room at around 8:15pm to apologize to her again, we both apparently fell asleep simultaneously in the grandparent's room.

The wife rousted me about 15 minutes later and hustled me off to bed.

No wonder I feel great today. I slept for about 11 hours straight.

Vacation rules.

So the trip to the Tanger Outlet Center was a HUGE success.

You know, it's funny. We live 40 miles from a Tanger Outlet thingy at home, and I've never once been there.

Scratch that. I've been there once. On the way to Martinsville one year we stopped at the Levi's store to get some pants. But other than that, I've never been there or looked around at all.

Down here, the Tanger is so big that they bought a second outlet center, so there are stores a-freakin-hoy.

We hit the Nike store where we got a Junior colored water bottle for ODO, about four of those dri-fit hats for GBD, and I got four or five t-shirts that were between five and eight dollars. I'll tell ya what. I don't care how many t-shirts I have. If I find some for eight bucks or less, I'm buying them. Period.

Next it was off to the Gap store where the wife bought a dress and about four tops. I got two more t-shirts (two for one at $15.99) and a sweet button down shirt for $14.

Then it was off to the shoe place (Clarke's) where I got some thongs. Not underpants, you sickos. Thongs for my feet. It's my first pair ever and I really like them. I'm now sorry I haven't tried thongs sooner.

Next stop: Golf outlet for cheap balls and a glove for me and CampCashion to go golfing this week. (edit to add: CampCashion and I decided to pass on the golf outing since what we really wanted to do was hang out with each other's entire broods, so we're doing that on Tuesday).

Then we hit the sunglass place since I wanted to replace my shitty Native sunglasses, The glasses themselves are okay, but the plastic nose grip thingies are falling off everywhere and I've been very fortunate not to lose them already.

So I walk in and the sunglasses "professional" (to whom I will refer from here on out as Swishy McMantitties) asks how he can help me.

I put my soon-to-be old shades on the counter and say "These are what I have now. What I would like is a one color not pastel molded frame with no rubber nose pieces that have polarized lenses."

He replied "Well, if you find anything that you'd like to thee, let me know. 'Kay?"

Grrrrr....

So we left, packed up and hit the other Tanger Center which was home to the Sunglass Hut store. I walked in and the guy said "Welcome to Sunglass Hut. What can I help you find today?"

I said "Well, I just went to that other shitty sunglass store and they offered me zero help. These are what I have now. What I would like is a one color not pastel molded frame with no rubber nose pieces that have polarized lenses."

He said "No problem," then proceeded to the wall and pulled two pair off the wall that fit my specifications. He then gave me the features of both pair but said that the one pair (the more expensive one, mind you) didn't quite seem right, and we settled on a pair of Bolles that were only $84 bucks.

I flipped off Swishy McMantitty's store as we drove by on the way back to the condo.

We then went to dinner at The BoatHouse with CampCashion and had a great time. I love a place with some live (albeit horrific) music, a deck, casual dress code and great seafood.

By the way, I forgot to share this one earlier in the week. Before we came down here, Lauren asked if we were staying in a hotel and GBD said "No honey. We're staying in a condo."

Lauren then asked "Will we get to hit it?"

Silence from GBD.

One Dot Oh replied again "Will we get to hit it?"

GBD was stumped. After ODO asked about ten more times, she added "Like I saw on TV."

Then the urchin gave the key. She said she was "looking forward to staying in a Tae Kwon Do like she saw on TV at Dominic's house."

So in summary. She thinks we're staying in a Tae Kwon Do.

Today's agenda includes:

A trip to Harris Teeter
A trip to the beach at Sea Pines
Home for lunch and a nap for the kids (hopefully)
Back to Harbortown for a little playground time and cold beers with CampCashion.

More to follow as events warrant.

urchins both slept great last night, and I decided to forego working out in favor of sleeping until 7:30am. ODO (one dot oh) slept until nearly 8:30 this morning which is astounding considering where we are and what's just outside of our door.

Last night we went to The Salty Dog and met CampCashion and family for cocktails. Then we managed to call a couple of friends so they could see us on the Salty Dog Webcam, including showing my boobies to one friend outside of Boston. Here are a couple of shots from said webcam courtesy of Ethel:

photo one

photo two


I love being drunk on vacation.

Anyway, we had a couple of pops on the deck and then went in for dinner which was good, but my yellowfin tuna was WAY overdone, and that always irritates me for $21.95 a plate.

We came home and watched some sportscenter, relaxed, and hit the hay about 10:30, but not before another VERY relaxing jacuzzi soak. Man, I gotta get me one of them at Casa de TMLSB.

Today we got the kids up and out about 9:15 or so and hit the indoor pool since the outdoor ones are still too cold in the morning. ODO ran out of gas around 10:30am so we came home and got lunch and showered and ready for a trip to Tangers for shopping.

Shit do I love vacations.

More familial boredom to come!!

including one of me in our in-room jacuzzi with one dot oh. (This is a very flattering picture of me. NOT! I think the camera adds ten or fifty pounds...

While I was writing that last post, 2.o just rolled from her front to back!! And she was six months old yesterday!

Next stop: sitting up on her own.

Well, we made it to Hilton Head Island, SC. We left at 8:15 and covered the 320 miles in about five and a half hours, which wasn't bad when you factor in the "I gotta pee" stop and the "I gotta poopy" stop and the lunch at McDonald's with a little playground time.

1.0 did great, and for the record, the first time she whistled was 3.9 miles out of the house. And when she was awake, there was a LOT of whistling. Thank God for the "privelege" of driving the entire way with my iPod turned up pretty loud.

2.0 was awesome. She slept for over two hours and probably only cried for about five minutes total, which shocked the crap out of me and GBD.

WE got here a little before 2pm and our room was delayed twice and was finally ready around 4pm. We are staying at the Marriott Grand Ocean and the room is freaking awesome!! Our bedroom has a two person jetted jacuzzi in it. We got a handicapped room which means wider doors, bigger bathroom, etc. Oh, and there's a washer and dryer in here. How sweet is that?

Anyway, here are some pictures of 1.0 upon her first encounter with the Atlantic ocean.










More later.

Oh, and 1.0 just made a break for the patio and walked slap into the sliding glass door nose first.

Ouch.

comes to me courtesy of One Girl and Her Dog

You cat people may not get it or even think it's funny, but I do. And with that said, I give you:



10 Dog Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny ... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FREAKIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

Tomorrow at approximately 8am the TMLSB clan loads and exfiltrates to the great state of South Cackalackee for a Saturday to Saturday Hilton Head Island Vacation Extravaganza.

Last time we went on vacation, there were only two of us and we were ten years younger than we are now, which meant that we flew to our destination and when we left Boston, there was far less beer left than when we arrived.

Now, we are parents of two girls (ages four and point five), we own a minivan and we are "driving the clan across country" like Clark W. Griswold.

I am happy to announce that in just the last week, 1.0 has learned to:

a) ask "are we almost to (insert destination name) yet?
b) whistle one note OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
c) open the storage space on the back of the driver's seat by kicking it over and over again.

My brother in law says that vacations don't start when you get where you're going. They start when you leave home. So I'm wondering why six hours in the car could possibly be annoying?

More to come as the day and week warrant. But be warned, we are not going low-tech on this vacation. The resort has wireless all over the grounds so we're both taking laptops with us. Further, I will have my new Crackberry with me, so even if the hotel falls into the ocean, I can still send and receive emails, post blog entries, and chat. How awesomely dorky is that?

If I could interrupt your pre-flight chatter and direct your attention to the left side of the aircraft, you'll notice a "rent my blog" thingamadoogie that is now occupied by a little picture of the gosh-darndest blog out there...especially for a chick.

Ethel is one heck of a blogger as you'll soon see. I only hope she's saved some of her really wicked or funny ones that will be on par with the 20 year old jello and the penny blog.

Thanks for signing up, Ethel. Maybe a week from Sunday you'll explain to me how this whole thing works....

: thumb :

I don't know what any of this means really. I may have to talk to Ethel since she seems more willing to do the actual reading required to understand this stuff. Anyway, here's the email I got:

Your campaign to rent your blog space to A Neurotic Closet Bitch is now
complete.

Here are your traffic stats for the last week
550 impressions
247 unique impressions
24 clicks
16 unique clicks

Did ANCB get her money's worth on this? I sure hope so. I'd hate for her to be disappointed in the experience.

Anyway, thanks for renting Neurotic. If you ever want to rent again, let me know!

So, as we start, we get the cute little rehash for 8 minute of what the season showed us. Blah blah blah. What matters is that Ray and Yolonda, Eric and Jeremy (the horn dogs) and the two hippies are in the final for the million bucks.

Here are some review comments (remember, I'm having beers while doing this):

I am loving the rehash of the annoying sisters having fits over the stick shift.

Wanda's freaking out in the pool is laughable in this day and age.

Lake and Michele were fucktards. And any guy that talks to his old lady like that deserves to get his shit kicked in.

I will miss Monica calling everything "the worst thing I've ever done."

Dave and Lori's nerds rule, well, ruled.

I should drive to wherever Lake is and kick his ass. Asshole.

While Ray and Yolanda are getting along now, they were dicks to each other and deserve nothing.

Fran and Barry were the best old folks ever on this show.

I was sad to see Monica's boobies go, but they weren't worth it on their own.

(Gotta get a beer now).

Or not. Stupid non-commercial breaks.

Eric is premature balding and I laugh at him.

Hippies are first and heading for a special elephant with a sidekick phone.

Eric and Jeremy are second off and Eric is still wearing that faggoty tuxedo t-shirt.

Ray and Yolonda are third up and are in no danger of falling behind given the 4am opening. (crying baby. brb).

Hippies first and they're going to japan (sorry. I just missed some having to pee and all).

Did I mis-hear that or do the hippies speak Japanese? Holy crap!! Too bad it's not the last leg instead of the second. BTW, when is the first commercial? I need a beer!

And now the hippies aren't making the first flight!! Duh duh DUH!!

Alright now. This is tiring. I think I will comment on what matters (to me) as we go forward. Please stay with this. It's a two-hour show.

I like the two dorks saying "we're not far from the million dollars now," and we're 22 minutes into a 2 hour show. I hope they get syphallis.

Did anyone else notice that, in the background, they were playing "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors? Awesomely inappropriate.

I just keep waiting to hear "Can anybody understand the words coming out of my mouth?!?!?!?!" Courtesy of Chris Tucker.

And I hop ethe "maiden" for the dorks has a penis.

Thank God. A commercial.

R and Y will fall behind toting the hot chick.

The hippies are moving along nicely and right on the asshole's tails.

I don't know about you, but I think I would dig the capsule hotel. That'd be a cool way to sleep for a day or two.

The frat boy that saw Mt. Fuji and said "Hey look!!! Mt. Tokyo!!" should be castrated. idiot.

I like that the ticket guy spoke Engrish to R and Y, and Ray STILL didn't get it. Nice.

HOORAY for the hippies winning this leg with three years of free sidkick service.

Hooray for the hippies beating the frat boys. Dorks.

R and Y are without any money or anything else, but I'm betting they're in second or better. My money's still on the hippies, especially when the frat boys give in to their homo-erotic desires and star in underage gay asian porn. (Can you imagine if some perv was Googling underage gay asian porn and found my blog? That'd rule!!)

Hippies off to Alaska for the final leg, followed by fratties and R and Y.

And the hippies left 2000 yen for R and Y which is way cool. Good people, them hippies.

Oh, and devious hippies are way better than generous hippies. I hope the frat boys choke. AHHH!!! The clerk lied for the hippies. BURN!!

I just noticed that BJ and Tyler are listed as "Best friends," while Eric and Jeremy are listed as "friends." What the fuck is up with that?

(Sorry I'm not talking more about this. I'm torn between watching and fantasizing about the Macaroni Grill dinner GBD is bringing me sometime in the next 45 minutes. In the last 6 months I've learned a lot about diet and nutrition, and one thing I know for sure is that the only thing better than five beers for dinner is pasta at 10pm after five beers for dinner).

And now, with 40 minutes to go, all three teams are tied and ready to run. In the snow and cold. In Alaska. Thumbs up!!

The tension is already palpable, and there's still almost 38 minutes to go.

Screw the airplane trip. Drill some holes and make the cabin work. Navigating by air is fucked.

And finally the pot smoking caught up with the hippies as they repeated ran by the snow shoes like the old couple running by every single outdoor marker they saw...or didn't see.

Crap.

Now it's off to Denver and if anyone remembers Miami a season or two ago, nothing is decided until the final city. Period.

Burn!!! Hippie smarts ask the cabbie for a cell phone to call the airlines. There's still a hippie chance. WOOT!!!

They're all three gonna make the same flight. It's gonna be a nuts out race at the end.

Oh, and I love Ray stealing the line from Wesley Snipes when he said "Bet on black!!"

They all think Red Rocks Park is the finish, and it isn't. There's another foot leg I'm guessing that will (hopefully) screw the frat boys.

Man, am I hungry. The wife's minutes away and I REALLY want some pasta with shrimp and chicken!! Sorry. Back to the action where everyone is leaning forward in their cars.

And this roadblock may very well decide the whole thing.

Sweet!! A contest of smarts. These frat boys will never EVER get this right.

Holy crap!! Their all fucking up. Imagine if R and Y can remember the flags, they can STILL win!!

WOOT!! Hippies win and frat dorks lose!!! YES!!

Yesterday on the way home from work, the wife asked if I could swing by the Krogers and pick up a couple of prescriptions for her. I remembered one of my own at home, and she said "well why don't you come home, get that, take 1.0 with you, get them filled and maybe pickup some dinner on the way home?"

"Great idea!" I said.

And then I had a great idea.

1.0 and I dropped the prescriptions off and then turned around and headed into the (GASP!!!) Nail Salon at the Krogers. It's called "NAILS" in case you were wondering.

See, I bit my nails my entire life, and shortly after I quit smoking over four years ago, I also quit biting my nails. Since then, once in a blue moon when they all need a tidying up and it coincides with a special event or something, I'll head somewhere with the other girls from work to get a manicure. So I figured why not take 1.0 and while I was soaking my hands in the electric blanket mitt thingies, she could get her fingernails and toenails done.

I'll pause here for a moment to let homophobes like JBud and footbath to kill fungus guys like TL to laugh and chortle and outright guffaw...

So whilst I was in the mitts, 1.0 got her nails done in a light bubblegum pink (I think the color was actually cotton candy). Once the painting was done (and during the foot painting she giggled and outright laughed her ass off which amused me greatly) she was placed in the drying seat with fans on her hands and feet, which also made her laugh.

I was then taken out of the hot mitts and just then, my phone rang. It was my brother in law. I had two options:

1) Answer the phone and say "I'll have to call you back thweetie. I'm getting a mani and I won't be done for thum time. Cheerth!!"

b) Not answer the phone and hope to come up with an alternate story of why I couldn't answer the phone since I never don't answer the phone.

I chose option B.

Seconds later, my favorite little co-pilot utters my least favorite grocery store sentence:

"I think I gotta go peepee."

Shit.

I've got that lotion stuff all melted in and from my wrists to my fingertips. and I've got to scrub out to take gerbil bladder to the men's room for a pee.

We get that done, which includes the terribly slow flip flop walk by her so as not to damage her toe paint, and all the while my cuticles are drying. (GASP again!!)

We get back and I go back into the electric blanket bags for a few minutes, but the damage was done. Dry cuticles getting a manicure = blood and some discomfort. It just does. Plus, now the urchin is bored and VERY tired from her roller skating outing earlier in the day and chooses to lay down across three lobby chairs to "rest her eyes," only she's not resting her mouth and she's just blab blab blabbering away and I think it's even tiring for the "fye darra me ruv you rong time" lady doing my nails.

But in the end, it was totally worth it. It was six bucks to get 1.0's done and ten for mine, and with the four dollar tip, the total was an even twenty dollars. Really not bad if you ask me.

Oh, and when I got home, I told the UnkTodd where I'd been and at the same time he was staring blankly at me saying "....really? A manicure?", my elder nephew was muttering "fag" and "homo" under his breath, which I totally understand. Oh, and the nephew also asked what color polish I got. As if I'd suddenly joined the cross-dressing cabaret at Club Anytime downtown. "No color," I replied. "Just a nice buff and polish."

I reminded them that if they stopped biting their nails down to the bloody stumps of their elbows, they too could have nice looking hands once in a while.

And that was how I spent my Tuesday afternoon instead of mowing the lawn, which I will have to do today. Of course, I'll be wearing gloves so as not to meth up my nailth.

And in case you were wondering, yes, the gloves are yellow with little green flowerth on them.

TTFN everybody!!

So it's now just a little over three days until we go on our first family-of-four vacation. Hell, it's the first vacation we've taken since 1997 which saw my not-so-famous mooning of the entire back bay area from our corner room at the Copley Place Marriott. We also saw the Braves play two of their first three inter-league games sitting in the "quaint" confines of Fenway Park. We did all the touristy and not so touristy stuff in Boston and I freaking loved it.

Since then, we've bought a new house, had two kids, reconciled with a parent from whom I'd been estranged for some time, and taken hardly a three day weekend to do anything, and we really haven't gone anywhere at all, so we're terribly excited about this vacation.

Anyway, Sunday we were driving to my MIL's house for a mother's day meal of pulled pork and hot dogs (pretty saucy and suggestive fare considering it was mother's day) and got a brief preview of our six hour drive to Hilton Head this Saturday.

From behind the pilot's seat, urchin 1.0 waited exactly 2.5 of the 25 miles to ask "Are we almost to meemee's house?" and then proceeded to demonstrate her newly learned talent (whistling one note) all the way there.

Then last night, she discovered that she could open and close the headphone cubbyhole in the back of the driver's seat using only her foot. And so she tried to do that over and over again.

So I envision a whistling, are we there yetting, seat kicking four year old driving the driver (me) insane before we leave our home county.

And folks wonder why our dads used to yell "DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE!!!!"

it's still good reading and makes some good points about this whole illegal invasion thing. (BTW, I refuse to call it illegal immigration or the people illegal immigrants. Immigration is the legal process of becoming a citizen. Sneaking in and stealing services and commerce is just an invasion).

Anyway, I read this on Boortz.com today and it is from a letter to the editor that's going around right now and it makes some great points.

To the Editor:

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the U.S. might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and once here, to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your home you insist that I leave. But, I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors: I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest ... except for that part where I broke into your house.

"According to the protestors, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan and provide other benefits for me and my family. My husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest ... except for that breaking in thing.

"If you try to call the police or force me out I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be here. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest .... ummmmm .... except for that breaking in thing.

"Besides. What a deal it is for me! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being anti-housebreaker!

Did I miss anything? Does this sound reasonable to you? If it does, grab a sign and go picket something. If this sounds insane to you call your senators and enlighten them because they are stumbling in the darkness right now and really need your help.

(Name? _______________)

I hope the President has the stones to tell President Fox of Mexico to stick his support of the invasion of our country up his ass. Further, I hope that Bush tells Fox that if anyone from his side of the border fires on American border patrols, they will be subject to severe retaliation.

Any bets on which way this is gonna go?

So, I didn't bothe rblogging about the first hour since I know you all watched it. Besides, all the action and whiney bitchiness happens in the second hour.

First off, what was that little knowing glance between Aras and Danielle? I think she's gonna dump Terry and that will be that. And that's fine, as long as she'll do the final two interview topless.

Oh, and she's not allowed to talk since her accent makes me want to drive a railroad spike into my eye.

I wonder if her tramp stamp is actually the Chinese symbol for 1980's Jersey mall skank?

"I'm so decisive anyway because I'm a Gemini..."

What is she trying to do? Pick him up at a bar in Atlantic City? Please.

Aras is an R-ass.

What the hell is Shane wearing? Is that the shirt from the Seinfeld episode about the Pirate shirt?

I'm shocked not at all. Danielle's got a better chance of beating R-ass than Terry anyway. And what guy spells his name "T-e-r-r-i?" She's an idiot.

WHOA!! I think Terry planted an IED on the rocks to sabotage Ar-ass' efforts.

I think Mark Burnett did one thing right recently. He shortened the jury part of the telecast to under 30 minutes. It used to be an hour and that sucked alot.

and now it's really only 20 minutes. Awesome!!

My favorite part of this is the eyerolling from losers like shane and the fire-dancing, pot smoking hippie chick.

There they were. 9:44pm EDT and Shane's rolling his eyes. Dork. His son must constantly be very proud.

Courtney couldn't give a shit. About any of them.

I think Austin wanted to kiss Aras just then.

Sea of forgiveness? WTF?? This chick is on crack. No chip on her shoulder b/c she's a bird and she's gonna fly? Holy shit, woman. You're a nutbag. The good news is that I bet she's really easy and puts out like a drunken sorority girl with A.D.D.

"My life is to learn, and I have just learned to be a judgemental skank." Thanks for the positive feedback, Courtney.

Cerie asks the classic "why should I vote for your opponent" question. Good one. I don't think Aras can do it. Oh, she saved him. Nice.

Here's comes the douchebag. The best part is that his hair is how he wears it every day at home.

President of the planet?

Cool!! Broke, homeless and freeloading off of dad? Awesome!! It's not original, but the number between one and a million is funny.

Danielle shouldn't win since the price is right rules say that after Aras picks a totally retarded four, she should have picked five. Instead, the rocket scientist / silicone smuggler chose ten.

Perfect.

I like the symmetry that both finalists are daddy's girls who are taken care of by others. The folks least needing the money and least deserving of it are the finalists. I think it would hilarious if everyone protested and wrote down Terry's name instead.

And now, it's time for Jeff to re-announce the voting rules, the voting itself, and finally the Jeff Probst impression of Indiana Jones by riding every mode of motorized transportation on the planet between Panama and the studio, where Danielle will be celebrating her win with her new double-D implants. (fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed).

And the winner is:

The person with the biggest tits.

(the actual winner is Aras. I must say that floored me, but it shouldn't have. he did way more than she did or anyone else except Terry).

I'll comment about the after-thingy tomorrow when I finish digesting the fact that Shane and Courtney had a bareknuckle fight...

i meant to start this at 8pm instead of 8:30pm, but I forgot and we were talking / geeking since we are side by side on the bed watching survivor, each with our own laptops. How gay is that? Oh, and my new Blackberry is right here, ready to answer emails at a moment's notice.

Anyway, the big news so far is that Aras and Terry are butting heads and bad mouthing each other and I think they're both slightly insane. And all the while Cerie is pulling a Hurley from LOST and not losing a pound despite having eaten nothing for a month.

Oh, and thank goodness Danielle's implants still look great.

On to the second half of the show.

First off, if Cerie thinks she has a chance in hell of winning, she's higher than Marion Berry. She hasn't done shit and didn't make fire until day 34. That tells you what she's done. She hasn't competed, hasn't won, hasn't done shit.

Aras is Mr. Sour Grapes about never winning shit either and constanty finishing 2nd.

Danielle is smart and playing right.

Terry has worked hard, won every single immunity reward, and has run the game. He should win. Period.

He'll be there on Sunday regardless, courtesy of the secret immunity idol. I like this plot twist the most.

Imagine if the naval aviator can't use the jungle map / directions to find his stuff. And Cerie can't even finish puzzle number one. What a surprise.

Hey look!! Aras won something.

Now, the only question is, do Aras and Cerie assume Terry found the idol and vote Danielle off, or do they make the mistake of voting for Terry while Terry and Danielle vote for Aras and then produce the idol so the next highest vote getter goes home.

BURN, ARAS!!

(Of course, Danielle's going home or they wouldn't make it so obvious, but it's fun to dream).

What a surprise. It's the two chicks.

And now, it's a fire race.

Come on boobies!! I mean Danielle.

WHAT A DICKFEST!!! TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Sons of bitches. That's what I get for making a blog about survivor.

sigh...

This week's Tuesday Twelve is brought to you by Boudreaux's Butt Paste.

Twelve excuses urchin 1.0 gives me for getting up 100 times in the middle of the night and bugging the shit out of me:

1) Had a bad dweam about fire bweaving dwagons.
2) I have to go potty.
3) My pull-up is wet.
4) I want to sleep wiff you guys.
5) I wanna watch MY shows.
6) I'm firsty.
7) I'm hungry.
8) I have a headache.
9) My stomach is telling me it's hungry.
10) I want to look at Sophia.
11) I heard a sound.
12) I'm gonna miss you daddy when you are at work.

I wonder what excuse she'll use tonight?

LOL

I was going to write about this yesterday, but I was too fucking tired to do so. And I want to write about it today, but I'm even more tired than I was yesterday.

Let me start with a medical update. (If you stumbled upon my blog over the last six months, you must think I'm an 83 year old hypochodriac woman, but I assure you I am not).

I spoke with my actual doctor this morning. You know, the one that's already saved my life three times in less than a calendar year? Yeah. Him. He reviewed my ultrasound with the radiologist yesterday. The good news is that I'm not pregnant, but the bad news is they're still not sure what it is. They're 99.9 percent sure of what it's not, and that's a blood clot and a tumor. They think it's got "cyst-like tendencies," but they're not sure it's a cyst.

So during our conversation, I said "If you want to poke it or drain it or test it or something, I'm all for it."

Luckily he's a cool-headed man. He said "Let's keep an eye on it until Monday afternoon. Then you come in and we'll evaluate it further and see if I want to take you up on your offer then."

What a great guy. I feel better already.

Yesterday my day also consisted of getting an ultrasound, calling all day for results, stopping at the doc in a box for said results, rushing home, rushing to pick up my nephew from football, eating, rushing him to the same doc in a box for a badly sore throat (viral something or another), then off to the Krogers for some kickass throat syrup with codeine.

My favorite part was, as we were leaving the Krogers, he grabbed a flyer about insomia and helping people sleep. I said "Dude, when did YOU start having trouble sleeping?"

He replied "Oh I sleep great. I'm just always looking for ways to get better and more of it."

What a great kid.

Anyway, I get home and the wife and mom-in-law have gotten the girls to bed, which is awesome. We were both exhausted.

See, the night before, we stayed up working on various projects until just after midnight. Between midnight and 5am, urchin 1.0 (aka The Ninja) paid us SEVEN freaking visits!!! Those seven included two that involved her decision to make her room "dark." That mean that GBD had to turn off the lamp (10 watt bulb) on the dresser and swap her orange nightlight for the white one in the hall.

Don't ask me. I have no idea.

30 minutes later, she was in our room again (my turn), and I sat up and said "LAUREN!!! GO!! TO!! BED!!!"

And she cried. A lot.

So I got up and followed her back to her room where thru snot and tears she explained that she didn't want the room dark anymore and that she wanted her nightlight back.

At 3am.

So I switched everything back and got her to stop crying and back to bed.

When work came yesterday, it was early and I was tired as shit, as was GBD, so (as I mentioned before) we were both anxious to relax.

Unfortunately, 2.0 had other plans.

Roughly every 30 minutes from 10pm until 2am involved a wake-up and screamfest meaning someone had to get up and get her pacifier. I think it's her teeth that are bothering her and the tylenol and teething tablets just aren't doing the job.

Plus, she got up at just after midnight and then again at 4:15am to eat. That means that at six months of age (almost), she's reverted to the habits of a 2.5 month old.

This morning she got up early (as did 1.0) and GBD decided to try the cereal in her formula again to see if that would help with the whining all day and eating and being awake at night.

I've got everything including my balls crossed hoping this will work. Something's gotta give here. Me and the Maja need some sleepies.

I am shocked that "Stumbling Through Life With Grace" accepted the offer to rent my blog, but I'm thrilled that she did.

If you can't see where, click over to the left:
<----------------------------------------------

In reading her blog, I found that we have several things in common including the need to vent and swear, ADD and a nice balance of sarcasm, bitterness and the ability to spin a good story. Or at least I think we have that in common. We'll see if she agrees.

Do some back-reading on "Grace" and let me know what you think.

This morning I called the imaging place in East Jesus and asked if I could get the ultrasound done somewhere closer or sooner or both.

It turns out that they had a place 6 miles from my office with not one but SEVEN open slots this morning. Needless to say, I took the right now appointment and had the ultrasound done.

The first thing that happened was a total stranger (that wasn't bad looking) rubbed that ultrasound goo all over my groin and thighs.

Wait. Maybe she was the janitor. I didn't ask to see ID. Either way, that part was very nice.

She did several scans from the tops of my femoral arteries all the way down to my ankles testing pulse, blood pressure, etc. as she went. The conclusion in picture form is:


She seemed pretty sure of what "the thing" wasn't, but she also spent 30 minutes making that 'I think someone farted' face and not being able to tell what it was.

Anyway, my scans were sent STAT to the radiologist who should be reviewing them now and calling my doctor so we can figure out what to do next, and next could be anything as far as I'm concerned, as long as IT in no way affects me leaving for the beach next Saturday and staying the full ten days.

Of course, if I was told that driving long distances was bad and that my wife should handle that job, THAT would hardly suck at all.

I'll keep you posted when I hear more.

Shalom everybody!!

I'm sorry to have kept everyone waiting, but when I got home from the doctor and getting an unrelated prescription filled, I had only a little time to spend with the wife and girls, change clothes, have my afternoon constitutional, help my nephew put together one of those pocket racer doo-hickeys, then pick my other nephew up from football, then eat dinner, then get the elder nephew to help me get a couple hundred pounds of charcoal in the car and get 20 pounds of pulled pork vacuum sealed and frozen.

But when all that was done, the first thing I did was sit down here to update you, my readers.

Well, it's official. I went to the doctor and after finding out that I weighed 204.5, my pulse rate was 65 and my blood pressure was 120 over 80, we discussed my issue and the doctor looked at my leg from several angles. He even touched it twice.

Gingerly.

Anyway, I told you I'd let you know by the face I made. Well, here's the face:



Well, if blogger was fucking working worth one warm shit today, you'd see a picture of me making the indifferent face, because the doctor said it's one of three things:

a tumor (extremely extremely unlikely)
a blood clot
a some kind of cyst (I think he said Baker cyst, but I could be hallucinating that).

All together now, people:

COME ON, BAKER'S CYST!!!

Anyway, to see what the deal is for sure, he scheduled me for an MRI and an ultrasound on Thursday at 1pm.

Upside? I can't work out today or tomorrow and I'm supposed to "take it easy."

Well, I don't want to "take it easy" for two days without knowing, so I'm calling my cardiologist in the morning to see if he can rush me an ultrasound / MRI thingy right next door to his office.

So there you have it. I'm in full on wait and see mode. Wait and see with me...won't you?

Last week around Tuesday or Wednesday, the wife said "Hey...what's that on your leg?"

I replied "Huh?"

She repeated "What's that on the back of your right leg?"

me: "What thing?"

her: "THAT!"

Well, "THAT" was a bruise on the back of my right knee that resembled my arms after all of the arterial IV's when I was in the hospital. This is what "it" looks like today:




And right about where that white blotchy thing is there's a lump about the size of a grape. I didn't care and said I wasn't worried about it, but then one showed up just like this (but much smaller so far without the grape) on the back of my left leg.

When my mother in law saw it, she immediately said "BLOOD CLOT!!" and said (thru my wife on the cell phone) "Tell him to take aspirin and go to the doctor right now."

I have meant to go to the doctor, but I've been busy and haven't. I'm not worried, but it is a little wierd considering what I've already had done.

So now I am going to my doctor this afternoon. I hope when I'm done that you'll be seeing THIS face:




instead of THIS one:

I cooked about 60 pounds of pulled pork for bbq this Saturday/Sunday and I took a few pictures, although I won't have finished photos until tonight. I pulled it all and went to take pictures and couldn't find my camera (or any other camera for that matter). Word yesterday was that this was not only my best ever but possibly the best bbq ever consumed by what I consider a very educated palette.

Here's the fixins for the rub I used. Thanks to Chris Lilly of Big Bob Gibson's in Decatur, AL. He's a nine time Memphis in May champion and this run is one to which he attributes at least a part of his success:


Chris Lilly's Six-time World Championship Pork Shoulder

Recipe By : Chris Lilly of Big Bob Gibson's
Serving Size : 0 Preparation Time :0:00
Categories :

Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
For the pork shoulder rub
1/4 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup paprika
1/3 cup garlic salt
1/3 cup kosher salt
1 tablespoon chili powder
1 teaspoon oregano leaves
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon black pepper
-----------
Pork injection
3/4 cup apple juice
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup salt
2 tablespoons Worcestershire
------------
1 whole pork shoulder (approximately 16 pounds)
1 bottle Big Bob Gibson Championship Red Sauce (or substitute your favorite BBQ sauce)

Inject pork shoulder evenly with injection solution. Apply a generous amount of rub onto meat. Pat so the rub will adhere. Place in a smoker and cook with indirect heat for 16 hours on 225°F. Serve with sauce on the side or paint shoulder with sauce the last 20 minutes of cooking. When done, the pork should pull off the bones easily. The internal temperature of the pork should reach 195°F.


Here's a picture of the 60 pounds of pork shoulder getting ready to be rubbed and stashed in the fridge for 8 hours. Next time I'll let them sit prepped for 24 hours and I will take pictures too.



Here's a shot of just a few of my pallets of remaining Wicked Good Competition Blend Hardwood Charcoal.


And finally, here's a shot from Friday afternoon on the way home. This woman, in the course of about one mile of driving, passed me at roughly 65 in a 35 by way of crossing the double yellow line in a neighborhood, then she took a right from the left turn lane her car was in when I took this shot.



I hope she had a blowout on the highway.

Here's a couple of 2.0 snoozing on the floor in the den in an outfit that was obviously purchased by my wife:





These two were taken the day I got the camera just to see how they'd turn out, and I think they turned out not too bad:




This is 1.0 in the morning and, as you can see, she is clearly not a morning person:

Just some random stuff from this weekend. Here are a couple of 2.0 smiling, which she does quite a bit when she's not making that whining sound:




Here's one of my co-workers that didn't believe I'd take her picture:

This is 1.0 tending to an acorn she planted:


And this one is me dicking around with my new camera attempting one of those myspace.com type of pictures. Given more time and a tick more effort, I could do one of those look up at the camera thru my bangs and showing some cleavage.

Okay, maybe not the last part, but it might still work without cleavage.

This picture is dedicated to my friend DD. If you don't know her, she's the friend that is responsible for THIS story.

I never get tired of looking back and seeing the ridiculous faces 1.0 makes while watching a DVD in the car, especially if we're coming home from somewhere fun. This was taken after soccer AND her birthday party Saturday. I think there was actually a line of drool running down the right side of her chin.

Although it's blurry, this is Michelle. I bet she'd be happy it was blurry as she wasn't thrilled that I took this picture on a Sunday Morning at Krispy Kreme.
See, Michelle kept looking at me and after a while I thought she was trying to hit on me. Subtly. In front of my wife and two kids and her three kids.

But the funny thing is, after asking me about my Auburn hat and if I went to Auburn and when, she finally asked "What's your name?"

I countered with "Your name's Michelle."

She was a friend from the hometown of my freshman year roommate in college. He was from St. Simon's Island, and since only about five or six kids came to Auburn from there and it was a small island town, they all knew each other. That meant that Michelle was about the 4th person I met at Auburn.

She now lives in the town next to mine and is married to a Beta from when we were there. I think his name's Scott Ayers, and I believe he still does a LOT of fundraising and stuff for Auburn. Good people now that I recall.

Anyway, that's what can happen when you go out for doughnuts in the morning. That's why I always comb my hair and I refuse to go get doughnuts in my pajamas. Imagine if she'd had THAT to tell her husband?


Here's a fine book and some crappy tools for $19.95 at Kroger.

This should be a sentence on a sign. It should say: "Buy a Big Green Egg and you won't need this stupid assed book or these poorly constructed tools."


I can't remember if I already posted this one, but this was 2.0's first ex-utero trip to Krispy Kreme. 1.0 enjoyed giving her the tour and "showing" her how the doughnuts were made. I took a few of these: some with 2.0 in a Krispy Kreme hat and a few holding a dozen hot fresh ones. These turned out better.

And here's one of my little chunker muffin starting to hold her own bottle. Imagine how fat she'll end up if she gets to eat whenever SHE chooses instead of whenever we choose?

I have had, at various times over the past few days, had several ideas for entries here. The trouble is, we're so damned busy at work and at home that we can't seem to find 30 minutes to just talk to one another. And when we do find a few minutes, we find ourselves falling asleep.

If you don't believe me, as one of us what happened during the last 15 minutes of LOST last night.

Anyway, to make a break from all of that craziness, I got some pictures from my phone and GBD's phone, and I figured I could just post those.

All in favor?

All opposed?

Well tough shit. I'm posting them anyway.


Here are a couple of 1.0 standing near the "Fresh and Hot" sign at Krispy Kreme. Notice she's enjoying a doughnut whilst watching the doughnuts being made. That's my kind of multi-tasking.



On her birthday morning we went to Waffle House. But 1.0 couldn't wait for us to get a table, so she hustled over and sat with UnkTodd and Jack and just assumed that they would order and buy her breakfast.

They did.


And this is just an awesome picture that demonstrates what thin hair on a warm dry day can do.