I know these are stupid and gay and retarded and all of that stuff, but in the end, I always read them when they're emailed to me and I always fill them out.

As a matter of fact, I think I may post a few blogs with different quizzes like this. That way, if you find one you like, you can fill it out and either post your response(s) in the comments or just cut and paste them into an email and send them to your family and friends. No need to thank me or credit me. After all, I didn't invent these astoundingly captivating wastes of time.

Anyway, this is the five's quiz. Enjoy everybody!!

Twenty Years ago, I was: 17 years old and a couple of weeks into my senior year in high school. I had already been suspended for smoking in the bathroom between classes (that happened the first day of school) and had been "advised" by one school administrator to forge my parents' signatures on one of the county smoking permits so I could smoke outside and not get into trouble.

I was driving a copper colored 1976 Chevy Van with a cream-colored "Starsky and Hutch" stripe up the side. This bad boy had wall to wall carpet, a 9 inch black and white TV, a "cool box" with the Pink Floyd "Dark Side of The Moon" album cover painted on it, a CB radio, moon roof and an 8-track. How fucking hot was I in 1985?

I was probably working at the Pizza Hut delivery center in metro Atlanta at the time, making decent high school money for taking orders, supervising a little and creating maps.

Fifteen years ago, I was: 22 years old, out of college having run out of money and interest in academia (but mostly having run out of money) and I had moved back to Atlanta. I was living in Norcross and working at TJ's Sports Bar and Grill, owned by former Toronto Maple Leaf and Atlanta Flame Tim Ecclestone.

My life at the bar revolved primarily around working doubles five days a week, eating courtesy of my employee discount and taking full advantage of the employee discount offered on draft beer.

A typical workweek saw me off Monday and Tuesday, mostly for social drinking and / or recovery. Then I’d work doubles from Wednesday thru Friday (which meant working 10am to either 11pm or close at 2am or 3am), then just the night shift Saturday, followed by a double on Sunday.

A regular day was about $40-$50, a decent day was about $60-$75, and a good day was anything over $100. I / we were really living hand to mouth, literally deciding if we could eat until I came home with tip money.

The bar ruled, I was the first guy Tim ever hired to wait tables, and we had a really good time there. I was reunited with my high school sweetheart before I left college and, I believe at that point, we were finalizing efforts to move in together.

Ten Years ago, I was: 27 years old, I had been married since May of 1992, and was living life to the fullest…kind of. We had not missed a home Atlanta Braves playoff game to that point and that year, we got to see the Braves beat the Cleveland Indians to win the World Series. That kicked complete ass!!

We did some traveling thanks to discounts available to us thru my wife’s work at the nation’s largest privately owned travel agency here in Atlanta. We went on several cool trips, including one to Boston for Labor Day weekend of 1997 (which you can read about here).

We were still DINK’s at the time (double income-no kids) so we had little to no responsibility. We had been in our house for five years, and had not yet begun to see the neighborhood falling into its current state of horrid disrepair.

I was working at LXE and had been working there for about four years. I met and made several great friends there that are still close to us to this day.

We played darts in the Buckhead Dart League on Wednesday nights, then Friday and Saturday nights were for home dart playing, video games, drinking and playing Yahtzee.
Five years ago, I was: 32 years old. I had moved to my current job working for the world’s largest condom manufacturer and had been here for two years at that point. Not much had changed in five years. We had been on a few all-inclusive vacations to some cool places, but everything had stayed remarkably the same in the five prior years.

One year ago, I was: We were now a family of three and had sold the ghetto house in favor of one in Suburban Atlanta that is across the street from my wife’s oldest sister and her family.

I was still working in the latex bidness, but we had just sold our medical division to a venture capital group, so we were forced to move across the lobby to the other half of the floor and start our work life anew. I had a new desk, a new boss, and had been in our new house for a year. Lauren was 2ish, and we had begun talks about a second child. Holy crap, things sure had changed in the last five years.

My Five Favorite Snacks: Cheddar Cheese combos, Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles, ABT’s (atomic buffalo turds) prepared on a Big Green Egg, Slim Jims and pretzel bites from the Mall.

Five songs I know all the words to: Man, that could say 50 and I’d still have too many. Let’s go with American Pie by Don McLean. (And for the record, it's not whiskey and rye, it's whiskey IN Rye, as in Rye, NY), U2's One Tree Hill, Bust a Move by Young MC, Paradise City by Guns N' Roses and Convoy by CW McCall.

Five things I would do with $100 million: First of all, I’d give my friend Susan a million, since that’s our lottery agreement. Then, I’d give Heather and Todd, Colleen and Jeff, Peggy, Mom and Dad, Mom and Bill and John and Judy a million each. I’d put a million in a VERY tight trust for my brother, and I’d set a mill each aside for the two kids. That’d leave about 90 million, and I’d go to town.

I’d obviously pay off our debts the first five minutes. I’d trick the house all the way out, but I’d also start looking for a newer / slightly bigger house in our community / school district with room for a little build out in the back yard for my uber-deck/patio and pool. I’d most assuredly buy about 110 foot houseboat at Lake Lanier, as well as a nice ski boat and possibly a house up there.

I’d quit my job faster than I could say, “screw this!” and I think the wife would too. We would start doing things we cared about and helping the neighborhood schools and charitable organizations.

I’d lease a Marathon Motorcoach (with an option to buy) and we’d go to the races we wanted to attend in the summer and on weekends during the school year, and just see the country.

I’d invest in some property between my house and the lake and look to develop it with the help of Thomas Management. I’d hire a personal trainer and then fire her shortly thereafter because, let’s be honest, I don’t want to be told what to do. I’d hire a hot nanny for the girls, but I’d tire of her and fire her too.

Then, I’d relax and live like Forest Gump, taking the girls to school and picking them up, making lunches, helping them with their homework and just enjoying my life with my wife and kids.

Five places to run away to: Lake Lanier, The Bahamas, Cancun, Minnesota and Boston. Oh, and I would visit the last two ONLY outside of the winter months and the tropical ones only outside of hurricane season.

Five things I would never wear: spandex bicycle shorts, a thong, a tank top, a visor or sandals that go between your toes.

Five favorite TV shows: This is tough. I’ll go for all-time rather than just right now. I think they’d be Seinfeld, Cheers, The Simpsons, Friends, and Lost.

Five biggest joys: My family, college football, NASCAR, cooking on my Big Green Egg and writing.

Five favorite toys: My X-box, my computers, my Big Green Egg, our digital camera and my 60GB photo Ipod.

Five people to pass this on to: I'm not passing this on to anyone directly. That was the point of this exercise, after all...

Oh, and if you read this far, here's a bonus for you. It's my sickness haiku.

Head all full of snot.
Why does this happen to me?
Could this be a curse?