I was notified sometime in August or early September that I had been randomly selected for jury duty for the week of October 3rd thru October 7th in my home county. This is the second time I’ve had jury duty in three or so years. I don’t mind. I kind of enjoy it, and I’d never try to get out of it. I consider it my responsibility.

Besides, there’s no way any lawyer worth a cable access commercial would EVER let me sit on a panel to judge anyone. The day I make it thru the Vois Dire process (Vois Dire, which means to speak the truth) is the day they’ll have to wake me up with smelling salts because I will have passed out from shock.

Now, from the day I received my notice, I figured this would be a good opportunity for a blog. I’ve done this before, I know more or less what to expect both of the process and of the people I’m serving with, and I knew that there’d be fodder for a laugh or two along the way. With that said, I bring you... Jury Duty Blog

One pre-rant note I want to mention. Chik-Fil-A has these new bagel breakfast sammiches, and they kick total and complete ass. The bagels aren't all hard and stale like the ones at the Golden Arches. They are fresh and soft and very tasty.

Here's a link to the item: Yummy

Before I really get started here, I’d like to share something with you. When a person has been picked for jury duty, they get this thing in the mail. I’m not going to type every word that’s on it, but I will share the parts that explain what you are to do and what’s expected of you.

WHEN & WHERE TO START

You are required to REPORT PROMPTLY to the Jury Duty Assembly Room on the 2nd level of the Some County Justice and Administration Center ON THE DATE and AT THE TIME specified in the message on the

Jury Reporting Line (XXX-XXX-XXXX)

There may be unavoidable periods of delay in the selection of juries. It is suggested that you bring reading material or work with you. Please NOTE that NEWSPAPERS ARE NOT PERMITTED.

ATTIRE

Please use good judgment and report to jury duty properly dressed. Shorts, miniskirts, tee shirts, and tank tops are INNAPPROPRIATE ATTIRE.

CHILDREN

DO NOT BRING CHILDREN TO THE ASSEMBLY ROOM or WHEN REPORTING FOR JURY SERVICE. Regretfully, childcare services are not available.

POSTPONEMENT / EXCUSES

Request for postponement MUST BE SUBMITTED IN WRITING to Jury, 75 Langley Dr., Somewhere, GA 12345-6789. The request must be RECEIVED NO LESS THAN 7 DAYS PRIOR TO the starting date of your service.

Written verification by a physician must be submitted with any request for postponement/excuse because of a medical or psychological problem. A FAX is available at xxx-xxx-xxxx. Unless it is a bonafide emergency,

NO POSTPONEMENT/EXCUSES WILL BE GRANTED ON THE DAY OF REPORTING.

HARDWARE

Computers, cellular phones, and pagers are not permitted in the courtrooms or jury deliberation rooms. These items may be left with the jury staff in the jury assembly room. No radios.

(Here is where I’ll add a blurbette from their website: “You may bring magazines, work papers, or books. Phones and an analog phone line is a supplied for notebook computer dial-up connections.” I brought my laptop figuring I could either write some stuff or play poker. I didn’t even CONSIDER looking at any porn. Well, I considered it the same way I do before I fly, and decided that it wouldn’t be a good idea).

Now, you see what was sent to every person that was asked to show up yesterday. Here are some of the notes I made throughout the morning: While standing in line with 400 of my fellow citizens, I decided that I was pretty scared of being falsely accused of a crime.

Why?

Simple. The idea of a jury of your peers is absolutely laughable. I’ve seen the pool (a couple of times now), I’ve seen who gets picked, and I’ve seen the results.

What you actually get is a jury of your fellow county residents that don’t keep up with current events or have much interest in the day-to-day goings on around them.

While in line, the first thing I noticed was the woman standing about four feet from me looking down and reading something. I don’t know what she was reading. I only know that despite looking down to read with her left eye, her right eye stared right thru me. Seriously. This chick had a fake eye and it reminded me of that guy from the movie, “The Natural.” I couldn’t stop looking at it, but it was scaring me at the same time.

(At this point, I wasn’t aware that cell phones were allowed in the jury assembly room, since every piece of documentation lamented their existence and banned their presence).

Every person in line had a cell phone with him or her. EVERY ONE. And they were all on ring (not vibrate) and every person either had Ravelle’s Bolero or the Dukes of Hazzard theme or some other nonsense. Did they get a different notice or something?

Despite there being signage every six feet with JURY DUTY and one of those little hands pointing a particular direction, I bet 15 people walked to the front of a line that, at the time, contained over 200 people just to ask me “Hey…is this the line for jury duty?” Jury of my peers, indeed. Once inside, I sat in the front row so I could see and hear what was happening at the check in counter, as well as get a good look at every person walking thru the door. That is where comedy gold occurs.

It didn’t take 20 folks walking in before the first “I need to get out of this” person hit the counter. There were about 15 or so in the group of 300. Not one had a doctor’s note, a valid excuse, or even good grammar. They just shuffled up and said, “I need to get out of this.” Maybe they didn’t know about the spectacular $30 daily stipend.

In walked a dude with jeans, a polo button down shirt, and he was kind enough to have it COMPLETELY UNBUTTONED showing us all his kickass wife beater t-shirt. (I would later find out that he was French).

I bet that of the 300ish folks that are here today, roughly 50 of those folks brought bibles to read. Now, I am not here to criticize anyone’s religion, but when I’m planning for five days of eight hours a day of sitting on my ass in a glorified bus station, I’m bringing something more exciting to read that the newest King James version of the bible. I mean, I was barely able to stay awake playing 1,000 person tournaments of No Limit Texas Hold ‘em. How on earth could someone expect to stay awake reading Deuteronomy or Leviticus?

I bet that 20 people had to be told / reminded about the rule about not bringing in a newspaper. They were even told that the sports page was okay, yet they still argued. I mean, was I the only guy that read the notice? What part of NO NEWSPAPERS do these dolts not get?

In comes yet another dude with a totally open button down shirt and a wife beater. The good news is, this guy’s got enough class to classy up his ensemble by having a fucking pocket square. A bright purple one no less. Nice.

And now for my joy of the pre-patriotic movie starring courthouse employees, a revisit of the Frenchman, who happened to sit across the aisle from me.

Shortly after arriving, he got up, walked over to the table where magazines are available and picked up a copy of “Cowards Monthly” or something, and sat reading. I glanced over and saw him take the gum out of his mouth, fold it into a still attached subscription card in the magazine, close the magazine and then return it to the fucking table. Ummm…what the fuck was that, dude? Those magazines aren’t your personal trashcan. I mean, why not take a copy of Boy’s Life to the bathroom and wipe your ass with it and bring it back with you, you dick?

I was named to a panel shortly thereafter, as was everyone else that had shown up that day, and the 36 of us were told that we were Judge Whomever's jury.

And then we sat.

Until such time as we were called to attention and the woman said she would now begin calling names and for those called to come to the front and to stand next to her, as they had some folks that spoke no English and they wanted to make sure that they didn’t have any problems as a result of that.

And the second person she called was:

“Juror number 273.” Otherwise known as me.

I sat for a split second, stood, and as I started walking toward the front I said out loud to no one in particular “I don’t remember giving anyone the impression that I spoke no English today, although in retrospect that sounds like a pretty good little plan.”

Chuckles from my fellow impaneled folks.

I got to the front and stood as the called by name, individually, each of the 36 members of my jury group, and after we were all up front by the door, she said, “you all are free to go for the day. Just call the number each night after 7pm to find out if you need to report the next day.”

We looked at each other a little dumbstruck, since when last discussed we had been called to the front to correct our non-English-speaking-ness.

As we started to de-badge ourselves and return our little badge holders to the sweet wicker basket available on the counter, the other people left sitting in the assembly room began to (get this now) start booing.

That’s right. It was booing with an undercurrent of laughter, but it was booing nonetheless.

Wow. Do you think inmates boo other inmates that escape? Of course not. They cheer the luck and good fortune of their fellow detainees. That left us as a group of unified potential jurors with but one response:

To laugh, congratulate one another and to wave goodbye using the wave that beauty queens use in parades. You know…that big over the top wave. It was glorious.

I called in last night, only to find that I had been excused for today. I will call in tonight, tomorrow night and Thursday night as well in hopes of hearing the same thing:
“Thank you for your service, but juror numbers between _____ and _____ are excused for the week.”

Fingers crossed everybody.