I have struggled with the format the story of my heart surgery would take. At first I was considering a serious blog, a goofy blog, and sneezy blog, a dopey blog, etc., but ultimately I decided that I would try to recap the experience as it occurred in a day to day type of format, including the nuts and bolts of what happened as well as my impressions, things that happened around me, etc.

But one thing you need to know is this:

I am working to do this report while I am on / enjoying the company of my new best friend, Oxycodone. His street name is percocet and I am apparently his bitch. Now, on with the story:

One note I’d like to mention in case I haven’t yet. (This is where the percocet’s causing a problem). I’m scared of needles. I’m afraid of needles. I’m a needlepuss. I can’t say this enough ways. I abhor the thought of even one shot even in my ass. Move the location to my hand, arm or (Heaven help me) my groin, neck or chest) and I’m a category five pussicane. This merits mentioning at the start of this story so you can understand things and put some parts into perspective.

I went to a pre-operative interview that accompanied a bunch of lab work on Tuesday so that everything would be ready to go come Thursday. I had no appointments for these tests / meetings, and it became very obvious that my surgeon pulled some serious weight at the hospital. (Of course, he’d be pulling more than a little serious weight Thursday morning too, but let’s not skip ahead too far).

I was told to show up at the CT lab by 11am and that they’d “try” to fit me in around noon.

I got there and the lady said “Would you like berry or banana?”

“Berry or banana what?” I asked.

“Berry or banana barium. You have to have this (pointing to a one quart bottle) in your system for at least one hour before we can start your scan.”

Oh. THAT berry or banana.

“Give me the berry please.”

I shook it, opened it and chugged half of it. And thank GOD I did. If my first had been a sip, I might STILL be standing there because that stuff tasted like shit.

So I knocked the barium out in about 10 minutes and then signed in for the “we’ll fit you in wait,” which ended up taking about zero extra time.

I was back in the imaging waiting room and at 65 minutes I had an IV put in my arm for some dye and then was asked to remove my shorts (always a nervous time in healthcare and the Big House) and climbed up on the table.

Oh, and Jody also handed me another cup of Barium “Just to top things off” and we were ready to go.

He took the films he needed, helped me up and sent me on my way with my films to drop off at Dr. Murphy’s office and then off for lunch until my next pseudo-appointment at 2pm with the lab for blood work, EKG, urine test, meeting with the Anesthesiology department and oh… for the viewing of the “So it’s 1984 and you are having bypass surgery” movie. That movie scared the ever-loving piss out of me for 48 hours and it scared my wife too. Anyway, that movie should be banned for viewing by anyone who isn’t 183 years old. I mean, watching general medical a movie that’s even ten years old is a lifetime, but they were using leeches, mercury thermometers and I think I saw Florence Nightingale or Clara Barton at one point. I know I saw someone using ether though.

The other fun part was waiting for the anesthesiology meeting. See, a bunch of folks were doing more or less the same track as we were, so it was all about quick hitting the easy stuff like urine tests, blood draws, etc., to get in line earlier for said meeting.

We were the second person of four that entered the queue, which should be obvious to everyone and was, to everyone except one woman.

When the first person exited, the Anesthesiologist came out and, instead of checking the chart queue in the back of the door, she said, “Who’s next?”

The wife stood up and said “We are,” the lady across from us that stank like she crawled out of an industrial sized ashtray said “No, I was next. I started this on Friday.”

My wife is a tactful woman. She replied “No. You were not next. We were next. And we started Friday as well with his heart cath. And I’m nine months pregnant.”

Didn’t matter. Martha Ashtray just walked on in and sat down. And for what, you might be asking?

To save ten minutes.

She was willing to wreck the karma surrounding her procedure all to inconvenience a pregnant woman by ten minutes.

Anyway, if you’re reading this Martha, I hope you’re enjoying your staph infection following your addadicktome procedure.

(I also forgot to mention that ever since I was told to take it easy until this all got worked out, I walked everywhere like Tim Conway playing that old shuffling bastard on the Carol Burnett Show. So getting thru any and all of this with me had to be even further torture on my wife).

We got done around 4:15pm or so, and had to head north on I-85 from Pill Hill to our home in Gwinnetia. I’m surprised the Donner Party didn’t find us on the way home.

We got home, talked some, filled out some paperwork, and called it a day. We were looking forward to one relaxing day (Wednesday) since this whole thing started.