The Adventures of TMLSB
I'm a little bit country and a little bit rock n' roll
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
sage advice from a friend
I was discussing my friends' loss with another friend, and he mentioned that he too had suffered a similar tragedy. Afterwards, he and his wife got involved with a couple of support groups and even facilitated some.

Anyway, with his permission I would like to post that information here. Hopefully some or all of this information can help someone somewhere:
I am very sorry for their (your friends') loss. I can tell you from personal experience that this is the toughest thing that life can dish out. My wife and I had one successful pregnancy out of four with 2 early misscarriages and a stillborn son at 23 weeks.

One of the things that came out of all that (besides becoming successful adaptove parents) is that we facilitated a support group for several years for couples who had lost a child through misscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. A couple of tips for you as you try to help your friends (some of this may be obvious, but some might not):
1. The grieving process is LONG. Don't expect them to get over this anytime soon. They won't, and that's okay.

2. Don't be afraid to talk to them about their child. While there will be lots of tears, they will welcome the opportunity to talk about their child now and in the future. (this may be the most important thing of all)

3. Continue to be supportive of them, even when they appear to be completely whacked out.

4. Don't be surprised if they don't want to be around you guys, especially with Urchin 1.0 and Urchin 2.0 (They will look at urchin 2.0 forever and see what might have been. But don't try to avoid them because YOU think its best that they don't see your kids. Let them decide that and then you be ok with their decision, but let them know you understand and you are still there whenever they want to come over).

5. They say that the death of a child rewrites your address book, and it's true. Many of the people they count as friends won't be after this experience. Don't let it happen to you.

6. Here is a sad fact: over 70% of couples that lose a child (no matter what age) will end up being divorced. This is as hard a thing on a marriage as you can imagine.

7. There are very good support groups out there for folks like them. SHARE is a nationwide support group for couples who have lost infants. They started at Mcdonald Douglas in St. Louis but have many chapters around the country. The Compasionate Friends is another one (although their chapters are more typically suited for parents who have lost older children rather than infants).

Help out your friends and do some homework for them. I can tell you that I was never a 'group' person, but a support group in our area probably helped to save my marriage (and like i said, we ended up facilitating the group for 8 years after we had gone there for a couple of years).

8. Try to avoid saying really stupid stuff like "this was god's will," or "it was meant to be," or "that's ok, you are young and you can try again." You can't believe the dumb stuff folks say at times like this, even though they mean well. It's perfectly ok to say how sorry you are for their loss and their pain, and that you are there to help them and listen to them.


I hope this helps anyone out there that is either dealing with this situation themselves or knows someone who is.
Written on Tuesday, February 07, 2006 by TMLSB.
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