I've come to a conclusion regarding jokes and the telling of jokes.

Don't bother telling, sending, repeating, or even starting a joke with a real person in it. I'm not listening.

Politics have become contentious enough, and it's made it impossible to even enjoy jokes that start with:

"President Busch, Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton are on an airplane..."

The thing is, I know where this is going. It's dumb, predictable, low-brow and tired. And I'd say the same for a "Hillary, Bill and Monica check into a hotel" or "Ariel Sharon, Yassir Arafat and Ronald Reagan are at the Pearly Gates" or "Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan walk into a bar / are building a house / die in a plane crash" and so on.

They're not funny. Ever. And all they are is a chance for a cheap laugh with people of similar beliefs as you or to make fun of / browbeat someone whose beliefs differ from yours.

Now, if you want to see a couple of funny jokes, here are some. Be warned that funny to me might be call the cops unfunny to someone else. But if you've read this far, you know me and know for sure what you're in for.

Number One:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay,you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


Number Two:

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"


Number 3:


A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am
today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma,
know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his
underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're
eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."


Number 4:

A man comes home from work and sees his girlfriend's bags packed by the front door.

He says, "Where are you going honey?"

She replies "I'm leaving you, you fucker."

Shocked, he asks "But why?"

"I just found out that you're a pedophile! That's why!"

"Pedophile? That's a pretty big word for an eight year old."