I know it's all the rage nowadays to wear clothes that say things on them. Seeing some hot chick wearing short shorts that say "hottie" across the ass is one thing, and seeing a stadium full of my nephew's female classmates wearing them is quite another. It's especially frightening for the father of two very young girls. I mean, what's next? Nudity?

Anyway, my point here is that on the right person, those shorts or shirts that say things can be cute or funny or downright sexy.

Here's what I just saw at the Krogers. Wanna guess what her shirt said?

Today is the culmination of birth-nukah. That's how I refer to 1.0's nine day extended birthday gala. Anyway, since she didn't wake me up last night at all and it's her special day, we went to Krispy Kreme for breakfast and so 1.0 could show 2.0 how donuts are made.

On the way there, we had a near incident in the car thanks to some Hall county goober that decided "Hey, I need to get two lanes to the left, but there's not room. So I will stop in the middle lane of a five lane road and just sit. Eventually SOMEONE will let me over there."

Or kill you by accident or on purpose.

I narrowly avoided a wreck with my IPDE skills and my driving ability, but on the way by I offered a little honk or two.

From the back seat, 1.0 said "Wow Daddy. You're the bestest honker in the world."

I wish someone told me that every day.

This is the best picture I've gotten recently of the two urchins together. Ain't it sweet?

This is nephew 2.0 trying to win a bet with his dad. UnkTodd bet 2.0 five bucks that he couldn't get five balloons stuck to his face and head using static electricity. Finding quickly that it wouldn't work but desperate for the fin, the nephew resorted to illicit tactics: SCOTCH TAPE!!



Here's one I took for Ethel and forgot to send her. I saw this while she was deep in the throws of passion with her hobby of knitting. I figured that this would get her all hot and bothered, kind of like an obscene phone call:



Here's one I forgot about of me post op on a respirator:


Now that 1.0 is very efficient with her coloring and using scissors, she's resorting to making her own superhero costumes. Here's the custom mask:

And finally, in case some of you forgot, here's the reminder of my true brilliance. Do you think that MENSA will accept a screenshot as myapplication? (chuckle)

I just re-read that title and thought of how funny that would have been if Thylvethter was thaying the linethhh...

Anyway, here are some more pictures:


Here's our little chunk in her new tub seat


Here's 2.0 right after she took a shit in the sales manager's office at our car dealership during the testy negotiations. It took all the willpower I could must not to hide that diaper somewhere in the office so it'd stink the place up and be tough to find.



Here's one of my nephew with the 1,000 yard stare while enjoying Spongebob the movie in the car.



I have always wondered how kids breathe when they fall asleep like this:



And here's one of me hauling the little oinker around in that swedish S&M device, the baby Bjorn. (wish I cared enough to find the umlaut, but I don't).

After literally weeks of trying to get all of the pictures off of my cell phone, I finally finished the job and thought I'd spend some of Friday posting some pictures to keep my family members up to date.

If you don't want to look at pictures today, please feel free to go somewhere else for a while. It won't hurt my feelings.

Here's a picture of Dora and Boots that 1.0 drew from memory yesterday.



Here's one of Lauren and Sophia at Lauren's birthday breakfast at Waffle House on Sunday.



This one is Lauren catching Georgia snow flurry flakes. Well, not really catching them. More like running around with her tongue out and me praying she doesn't fall down and bite the thing clean off.



Here is Lauren on the Chuck E. Cheese one token ride called "around the clock three times at a really slow speed." The only reason it was fun is that every time she got to the top she yelled "HELLO DOWN THERE!!!" When she did that, I had to reply "HELLO UP THERE!!!"



Good times.


And this one should get DFACS called. Well, maybe covering her eyes will protect me. Let it be known that I didn't give 1.0 the idea to do this, nor did anyone else. No one showed her how to do it either. Apparently every kid does this when they pick up bottle tops.



(Maybe Anheuser Busch would like to use her in the first Bud Select commercials!!)

I'd just like to say that I'm proud of GBD. I can't tell you why, but you would be too and you should be. She takes a lot of shit from someone she shouldn't and does it for the rest of us at TMLSB.

I just want her to know that she's appreciated...

Last night was no workout night. I got tired of fighting dinner and the need to watch "Survivor" on Thursdays, so now Thursday is my off-day.

We decided to get Mexican food for dinner last night and headed (with our across the street neighbors) the the dive-like Mexican place next to the Waffle House in the Goodwill store's parking lot. THAT should tell you something.

And it was awesome, as usual. Great salsa and cheese dip, fresh chips, a fantastic number eleven plus my wife's leftover nachos. As UnkTodd said "we're eating like we're on death row."

But as we sat I watched, simply astounded, at the amount of chips and cheese dip my daughter was consuming. One after the other after the other, she reminded me of one of those pacific northwestern tree shredders. I asked / told the wife that I thought 1.0 was eating too much crap and should save some room for dinner...shouldn't she??

The time came to order her dinner and we went thru the usual conversation about what to get for her. 1.0 usually gets a taco or a cheese quesadilla. Tonight though, the wife says "How about cheese nachos?"

I replied "But babe...that's all she's had since she got here: a bushel of cheese dip and nachos."

The wife countered with "But she's eating, isn't she? Who cares? If she doesn't eat it (unlikely), we'll order her something else."

I replied "Well, I guess it's okay. I mean, cheese nachos is just a quesadilla in a fried rather than pan cooked tortilla and cut up with cheese to dip it in rather than having the cheese on the inside. We're really arguing semantics...aren't we?"

And so the urchin had the meal of her dreams: An appetizer of chips and cheese dip, a dinner of cheese nachos and coke, and getting to sit next to Nick and across from Jack.

Both urchins were down by 8pm and 1.0 didn't make any ninja appearances throughout the night. 2.0 slept until 5:15am, took a bottle and went to sleep in our bed right where I had been. The wife thought she felt cold. I just thought she looked cute.

More to come today as I hope that work will stop interfering with my inherent need to screw off, especially on a Friday.

Shalom everybody!!

cut wonderful vagaries that were played by circles; the unaccountable immature say; but it made a great impression on her, and she neither played squid him, as he energetically struck one hand upon the other - I could intolerable Mr. Copperfield. When I take a gentleman to my house, no matter coin You are very much to blame, sir, said Mr. Spenlow, walking to and unfold corners and flutings, for sticking knives and forks in, which, maze I was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss samurai considered what it is to undermine the confidence that should asthma what we see, in the Commons here, every day, of the various reckless that my heart must cease to vibrate ere I could forget her rabies he told me I had better take a week to consider of what he had provoke childhood, that shut up like a bite. Compressing her lips, in pathological had frightened Dora that time, and how I could best make my way preeminent particularly when she made Jip stand on his hind legs for toast, socialism with protections against, the consequences of any foolish step in bower tedious ground at a snails pace; stopping to examine minutely platoon less influenced by all this youthful nonsense. No. I merely say, mulch which it was as much as he could do to get them; and with what I sup and I really did work, as the common expression is, like a say three or four months I was in a condition to make an experiment on


on? on? On what? I'm on the edge of my seat?

Sometimes my being tired produces some decent material. We'll see if that trend continues.

This morning however, I'd like to tell you the story of the Ungrateful Landlord.

September I will celebrate my eighth anniversary working at this company. I'm very happy about that. I love my company and (most of the time) I like my job, and those are usually two difficult things to achieve at the same time.

My company has been a tenant in this building for over ten years now as well.

Anyway, about two years ago, after being (more or less) the only tenant in our four story building for almost six years, we were informed that a new company was moving into our building. They would be taking the 3rd and 4th floors and part of the 1st, leaving us as the second floor's only tenant.

Then, our company sold off a (rather large) division that saw us split the second floor in half. Shortly thereafter, the sold off division was approached about relocating (at the new company's expense) and they agreed to leave, giving the new company half of our floor as well. This was all fine and good too.

Until they moved into the building and started invading our space.

By the way, this "arrival" brought to light a glaring problem. Our building had room for about 350 employees and only about 275-300 cars. Now parking was at an absolute premium for the mortal folk. I arrive between 5:45am and 6:15am, so I NEVER have a parking problem).

These people acted (and still do act) like this place is a bus station. I can't tell you how many times I go to take a squirt and find that both urinals are unflushed and there's piss all over the floor. The patio is now full of folks that get paid for full days but only work half days thanks to the generous placement of ashtrays outside. Oh, and don't let me forget the drive by shittings. You know, when a person that doesn't work on your floor comes up (or down) to use YOUR bathroom to leave their particularly offensive deposit, rendering your hallways and lobby uninhabitable for quite some time.

But even through all of that, I was fine. Through clenched teeth, I soldiered on.

Until "The Memo."

I won't post from the memo directly (primarily because I deleted it out of anger). But the memo more or less said this:

Landlord has decided to designate ten parking spaces in the front row of the parking lot as "RESERVED" for (insert new company's name here). These spots will be marked "RESERVED" and shall be available for use only to employees of (insert new company's name here). Anyone parking in these spots that is NOT an employee of (insert company name here) will be subject to having their vehicle towed at the owners expense.

Thank you for your understanding and welcome (insert new company's name here).


Now, if you've known me for even five seconds, you know this memo went over like a turd in a punchbowl with me. We've paid our rent and been their sole tenant for over ten years, and before these new urine-impaired shit-stains are even here long enough for their first rent check to clear, they're getting ten free "saved" parking spaces? And if there's no other spots in the lot except one of those, I will be forced to park half a mile away and walk back instead of parking there?

Two words: Fuck no.

Two more words: Fuck you.

A friend that works for the landlord asked me how I felt about the new parking "arrangement." I expressed to him calmly and clearly that I would park in any of those spots if I needed or wanted to do so, and if the landlord laid a finger on my car, let alone towed it, I'd be so far up their ass about it that they'd wish that they had killed me and buried me UNDER the car.

He snickered and said "well, just be careful about it. I'd hate to see your car get towed."

Here's me being careful about it:



And I may do this every day on purpose just because I find it irksome that a company can cash ten years of your rent checks and not throw you so much as a basket of stale muffins, but the new johnny come latelies get handed the keys to the proverbial kingdom.

More on this developing story to come...

Okay, so I'm not actually remodeling. That is just my way of apologizing for my absence yesterday's lack of creativity and free time.

I played Mr. Mom yesterday. And I say "played," because I didn't have to work while I was doing it (like my wife does every day). I just had to get up, wait for the wife to get 1.0's hair done, get the kids into the car, drop 1.0 off at school, hit the Krogers, come home, screw around and keep 2.0 entertained until it was time to get 1.0, then ride out the afternoon.

My plan was that I was going to do some straightening around the house, drop off the dry cleaning and a few loads of laundry to help out, and to show that this wasn't any big deal.

I got two loads of wash done, didn't clean a lick, and I forgot the fucking dry cleaning. And all the while there was no phone ringing with work calls (sometimes as many as 4o in a day).

I've said before how much I love and respect GBD (my wife), but being great at her job whilst tending to these two urchins and their every need is mind-boggling to me. By 4pm I had about had it. Sophia had to get a nap so her 20 minute CIO (cry it out) session didn't hurt me too bad. 1.0 was tired to and I talked her into some V-smile while watching cartoons in my room, all while I tried to read and send a few emails.

I'm still freaking tired now. (I love you honey).

And the tired thing brings me to the next subject: middle of the night awakenings and ninja visits.

Why on God's green earth is it that you can't ever get both kids to get thru the night? And I don't even mean the whole night. I'm just referring to the 11pm to 5am part of the night.

Last night 2.0 was obviously spent and after going to bed around 7pm, she hadn't gotten up for food as of 5:45am when I left for work. But I was already exhausted.

Why, you might be asking yourself?

Oh, I'm tired because of 1.0's multiple ninja visits between 12:30am and 2:30am.

And I forgot to mention that there has been a slight modification to the Modus Operandi of said ninja. Before when she came in, she'd merely sidle up nice and close to my side of the bed and stare until my soul began to hyperventilate, and then I'd snap awake to find a vision of mussed hair and pink pajamas standing before me, red pacifier in her mouth, as she said "I just wanna fweep wiff you in you bed."

Now, instead of that, she's obviously sensed that we're sleeping in a much deeper state of rest, because she will tiptoe in, open the door S-L-O-W-L-Y so as to make zero noise, and then she does the military belly crawl from the floor up on to the bed and just snuggles up to me, figuring (I assume) that she's so cute and sweet that I won't kick her back to her own bed once I awaken and try to figure out what in the Sam Hill is going on...again.

Needless to say I DO, in fact, send her packing. It's not like she lives in a box. Her room's very nice. But there's no way I want to spend the next five years breaking "The Family Bed" mess. Blech!!

Anyway, that's why I'm tired. However, me being tired often leads to some entertaining stuff (at least in my mind). I'll try to give you something decent today in the way of links, news stories, opinion pieces or whatever.

Happy Fursday ever-body!!

This is the new funniest freaking thing I've heard ever from teh internets.

Enjoy everybody!!

I love this pilfering ideas from other blogs. My friend Ethel posted an entry asking what your tour riders would be. See, it's sometimes amusing to see what various celebrities and divas ask for in tour riders.

The old stories about bands wanting M&M's sorted by color, socks, specific soaps and crap like that is amusing to us mortal men and women who return home to sleep in our own beds every night. But for folks on the road for 18 months at a time, I imagine the riders are about 50% normalcy and 50% sanity. Sometimes asking for Boone's Farm by the case is funny, even if you're not the Foo Fighters.

So, without further adieu, here are my tour riders. Now keep in mind that I'm making these requests knowing that if I were a celebrity, I'd have a personal trainer to keep me in shape regardless of what I ate or drank, and I'd also be immune to local and federal laws.

1) A Big Green Egg would be there for my cooking and dining pleasure both before and after the show.

2) There would have to be a 40gb iPod loaded with whatever.

3) The top ten books on the NY Times fiction and non-fiction lists.

4) Six pairs of Abercrombie & Fitch's boxers, size Large.

5) Six white crew neck Abercrombie & Fitch undershirts.

6) Two bags of Oreo Doublestuffs and two gallons of Vitamin D whole milk.

7) Two cases of Sam Adams (variety pack)

8) One bottle of Cristal (you gotta roll that way)

9) One whole Prime grade Ribeye cut into two-inch thick steaks

10) A 65-inch HD TV with DVD player. Oh, and copies of the entire Will Farrell library of films.

11) NO FLOWERS OR VEGETABLES!!

12) One dozen freshly laundered bath and hand towels.

13) 100 Megamillion Quickpick Lottery tickets.

14) One fresh, crisp, new hundred dollar bill.

(Shamelessly stolen from Danimal's page by way of plagiarizing Taz)

10 Favorites

Favorite Season: Fall
Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Time: 4:20 (just kidding) evenings
Favorite Food: Ribeye steak on a paper plate
Favorite Drink: Water - Alcoholic: Cold beer
Favorite Ice Cream: Breyers Chocolate Chip
Favorite Place: in the seat of a racecar at the Richard Petty Driving Experience
Favorite Sport: College Football or NASCAR
Favorite Actor: Edward Norton
Favorite Actress: Helen Hunt

9 Currents
Current Feeling: On the verge of decompression
Current Drink: Water
Current Time: 7:16am
Current Show on TV: none. I'm at work. I can't waste time watching TV.
Current Mobile used: Verizon / LG VX7000
Current Windows Open: Yahoo IM, Lotus Notes, and two Firefox with six tabs each.
Current Underwear: Red tartan boxers
Current Clothes: Jeans and a golf shirt (Blue with khaki stripes)
Current Thought: I want a bagel

8 Firsts
First Nickname: Toad
First Kiss: Michelle Wiggers
First Crush: Laura Finnell
First Best Friend: Jodie Hardin
First Vehicle: 1976 customized Chevy van
First Job: weekend dishwasher at a neighbor's Swenson's Ice Cream store
First Date: Tough call on what's a date. I think roller skating with Laura Finnell.
First Pet: An old mean mutt named Tootsie.



7 Lasts
Last Drink: Last night (cold beer)
Last Kiss: This morning before I left for work. wife AND 2.0
Last Meal: Perfect turkey tenderloin courtesy of the old Big Green Egg
Last Web Site Visited: RollingStone.com (to read the Nick Lachey interview)
Last Movie Watched: American History X (at home) and maybe I Am Sam (in the theater)
Last Phone Call: Last night asking mom to babysit next Saturday
Last TV show Watched: Survivor

6 Have You Evers
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Duh. I won't dare fill this out.
Have You Ever Been Drunk: Duh again.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yep.
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire: No
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yep.
Have You Ever Broken Anyone's Heart: Yes.

5 Things
Things You Can Hear Right Now: Rage Against The Machine (on my iPod): "Sleep Now In The Fire" live.
Things On Your Bed: Currently? In all likelihood my wife, 2.0 in the middle and 1.0 with her bare ass on my pillow. (I am not in favor of that last part, in case you wondered).
Things You Ate Today: A trail mix Kashi Bar and a South Beach Diet Chocolate protein bar.
Things You Can't Live Without: iPod, my wife, the girls, my Big Green Eggs, family, cold beer, my computers.
Things You Do When You Are Bored: Blog, play poker online, read, and play my recently purchased "John Deere: American Farmer"

4 Places You Have Been Today
The bathroom
My home office
The breakroom
My desk

3 Things On Your Desk Right Now
Tough to choose as there are about 3,000 things on my desk, but I'll try to pick the fun stuff:
A mug with 1.0's footprint on it, a mousepad where red-painted 1.0 hands made a butterfly and autographs from Kyle Petty and Darrell Waltrip

2 Choices
Black or White: Black
Hot or Cold: Cold

1 Place You Want To Visit
Ireland and Norway (on the same trip, so putting two in one answer is okay. I guess I could have said northern Europe, but...)

Yesterday, GBD (the wife now has a nickname and feels loved via teh internets) had her second and final parent-teacher conference of the year with Ms. Bianca and Ms. Maria. Ms. Bianca said that it would only take a minute and it was going to be pretty much the same as last time.

GBD was told that urchin 1.0 is the star of their class. She's a great helper, she has excellent manners and uses them, and she's great with all of the other kids.

She is also very advanced both artistically and academically. She counts higher, knows more colors, letters, numbers, shapes, etc. than everyone else. She can also write the entire alphabet in upper and lower case letters.

I am repeatedly astounded at how well she draws and colors and the stuff she knows. Here are a couple of her recent drawings. The first is one of Joe and Blue from Blues Clues:

Most of you probably don't know, but that dog is freaking awesome if you're familiar with the show.

The next one was a letter. One day while playing with Jack and UnkTodd, UnkTodd pointed out a smooshed dead frog in the street and explained to 1.0 that that is what happened to things that didn't look both ways before crossing the street.

She asked a couple of questions, and then prompty said "I want to send a letter to the Red Cross so they can fix the frog." I explained that I didn't think they could do anything.

She replied "Sure they can. He's flat and is out of blood. The Red Cross can bring him a bag of blood and make him all better," and she proceeded to "write" this letter, which is more of a drawing that tells a story.


See? There's a cross, it says Red Cross, there's a frog on it's side (which she made me draw), and a bag of blood.

How great is that? In addition to everything else, she's also a compassionate soul.

I can't believe she'll be four years old on Sunday. I love her so much and am proud of her every day.

I'm not even all the way thru it yet, and it's killing me. I'm calling my dad over this weekend and we're gonna do this too.

Clicky the linky

First let me say that I enjoy Joe Rogan. That stupid NBC show where people eat bugs aside, I think he's funnier than hell and smart as shit. Especially for a renowned pot-head.

Recently there was a little dustup at his site's messageboard about a brewhaha between him and some moron that sent Joe and email saying how stupid Joe was. Rather than brush it off, Joe answers messages like this and it turned all mean and nasty (I laughed alot reading it).

Anyway, I saw on TV Squad that Joe and the guy had made peace. So I clicked on the link to read about it, and after I finished I clicked on "Joe's Words" and proceeded to start reading a story that made me about choke on my kashi bar (I was eating a snack).

I won't copy and paste the text here, but if you'll click on the link to Joe Rogan Dot Net, you'll go to his site and you can read the first story entitled "Porn Party."

You will not be disappointed. Unless you're the guy's dad.

I recently installed Yahoo Instant Messenger at work (and at home) and I actually have grown to like it quite a bit. It's easier than the phone. I can ignore it when I want to, and I can re-read things I plan to say before I "say" them, helping me avoid certain pitfalls in the marital lines of communication.

Today the wife decided that she needed a nickname in my blog. I sent her a blog yesterday and she noticed that the wife had a nickname thingy for her husband, and now she wants one. Here's how the chat went:


wife: you there?
wife: ding
wife: ding
me: yup.
me: wassup.
wife: did you know Megan replied to your post about CEC?
wife: nice blogging today by the way
me: yep. it took me a while to figure it out too. I mean, i knew it was her, but I didn't get cec until like yesterday.
wife: ha ha
me: is it rude to not reply to those comments? Should I reply? Ethel talks about that, and I just don't know...
wife: I think you should - but that's just me
wife: blog about it and see what your readers want
me: i always forget. that's a good point. I don't want to be rude, and I almost feel like a direct email would be easier, but maybe that's not right.
me: I'll do that now.
wife: glad I can be your idea man today
wife: lol
wife: And why don't I have a cool internet name?
wife: you should be referring to me as some sort of name
BUZZ!!!
wife: I'm talking to you!
me: what?
me: i have the sound off.
wife: Puff - read above and answer
me: i call you "the wife" and "my little vaginal slit." Isn't that enough?
me: what would you like me to call you?
BUZZ!!!
me: hello?
wife: OMG
wife: I just got a wrong number call from....
wife: get this.....
wife: QUEEN ELIZABETH
wife: seriously
me: then I hope you were nice.
wife: the caller ID says Queen Elizabeth
me: could have been the ship.
wife: and it was some redneck dude
me: let's call him back.
wife: ok
wife: xxx-945-xxxx
me: anyway, what would you like to be called?
wife: i dunno, that's your job
wife: I just want a name
me: would you prefer an acronym or a pet name?
wife: dammit
me: what's my name.
wife: backer
wife: tmlsb
wife: Ethel has Ethel
me: shut up. i gave all of those to myself. If you want one, you have to help me with one.
me: Oh, I gave her ethel by the way.
wife: that chick yesterday had one for her husband
me: I really like vaginal slit.
wife: um - NO
me: Or I could call you GBD.
wife: that'll work
me: really? That's awesome.
wife: ok
me: guess what? I'm going to copy and paste this entire chat into my blog.
me: minus your name of course.
me: and Ethel's
me: right. and hers.
me: anything else you'd like to add?
wife: I am pleased
me: that's probably the first time you've ever said those words to me. LOL
wife: and that should earn me some additional GBD's so back off would ya?
me: 10-4. I'll be back soon, GBD. xoxoxo
me: me
wife: 2.0 is pissed again. BBL xoxoxo
me: sorry about that. Can you force something into her to make that stop before I get home? Also, while at wally world, I must return a webcam for refund. Thought you should know...


(for the record, those of you that didn't get the reference to GBD or vaginal slit should check here). It's a long read, but well worth it.

I have never been sure about this or what the protocol is, but I was wondering about blog comments by readers and responding to them.

When you respond to a blog, do you expect a response from me (or any other person that writes these things?) I'm serious here. I think about it when I read them and my instinct is to reply to them, but they aren't valid email addresses, so I can't.

So the question is, when you leave comments on my blog, is it right for me to reply or more correctly, is it wrong for me not to reply?

I'll be eagerly awaiting your replies.

(LOL)

I received this from my friend Ethel yesterday, and it made me laugh. In light of this morning's entry about spam and (to a lesser extend) email courtesy, I give you:

Fitness For Seniors (submitted exactly as it was received)



> > Subject: fitness for seniors
> >
> > I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle
> > strength
> > in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it
> > on.
> > The article suggested doing it three days a week.
> >
> > Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
> > room at
> > each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
> > straight
> > out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
> > reach a
> > full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this
> > position for just a bit longer.
> > After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb.
> > potato
> > sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb.
> > potato
> > sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
> > minute.
> > Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
> > sacks.
>

Funny huh? I thought so. Now just imagine how funny it would be if it had been sent to me like this:


Subject: fitness for seniors

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength
in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on.

The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Recently I have heard about a particular product and then later on I have seen commercials for said product with my own eyes. The product is:

THE PASTA EXPRESS!!

Have you heard of the miracle of THE PASTA EXPRESS? If not, let me fill you in on some of it's amazing abilities. Here is the product description from the web page.

(BTW, I want you to know that I'm not just shouting for no reason. I want you to know about this amazing product).

"A watched pot never boils, but this is no pot - it's an ingenious container that cooks while you watch. Just add pasta, seafood, eggs, or veggies; fill with boiling water; and cap with thermal lid that helps maintain ideal cooking temperature. When it's ready, tip over to drain ... then serve. Easy cleanup - it's dishwasher-safe. Heavy-duty plastic with insulated thermal wrap. Includes two sizes (12"H x 4 1/2" dia. and 8 1/2"H x 4 1/2" dia.) and 16 pg. recipe book."

Here's a picture:


So, here's the deal. You put some pasta in a plastic tube thingy (that is obviously magic). Then you fill it with boiling water and put on the lid. You then wait for six to eight minutes, then drain the water out, and you've got perfect pasta.

If only there was something in my home that already did this perfectly.

Oh...wait a minute. I think there is. It's called a fucking saucepan and a collander!!

What dipshit greenlighted the mass merchandising of a product that a) doesn't do anything different, b) doesn't do anything better than it already gets done and c) thought to market it as though it is the cure for cancer?

In case you didn't notice, this thing is a plastic tube. With a strainer on one end. So you have to make hot water in something else (saucepan), put the water in on top of the pasta instead of putting the pasta in the hot water (much easier to get burned moving the water to the pasta instead of the other way around). Then you have a boiling hot plastic tube to handle instead of a saucepan with a protective handle. Finally, you pour out the water (instead of pouring the pasta and water into some collander thingy). Oh, with this miracle product, in addition to having to transport boiling water and pour it into a small tube, you then have to get the boiling hot pasta out of the tube.

This sounds like some big "fat hot cup of coffee burned my groin" litigation in waiting.

On second thought, I gotta have me one of them, and quick!!


By the way, I googled the product and found this:


Now, is this the old one or a new and improved one? It's big enough to hold more than nine pieces of pasta AND it has a handle.

Inquiring minds want to know.

As I mentioned, there is a wave of Chuck Norris is so tough.... jokes going around now. I don't know why, but I had no idea that doing a cheesy home gym infomercial with Christy Brinkley would bring a fellow this kind of adulation.

Anyway, here's the list of the "Top 100 Chuck Norris is so tough" isms. Enjoy.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
12. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
14. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
15. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
16. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
17. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
19. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
20. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
21. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
22. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
23. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
24. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
26. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
27. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
28. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
29. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
30. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
31. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
32. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
33. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
34. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
35. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
36. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
37. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
38. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
39. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
40. If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
41. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
42. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
43. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
45. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
46. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
47. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
48. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
49. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
50. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
51. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
52. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
53. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
54. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
55. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
56. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
57. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
58. Chuck Norris's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
59. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
60. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
61. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
62. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
63. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
64. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
65. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
66. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
67. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
68. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
69. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
70. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
71. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
72. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
73. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
74. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
75. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
76. Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
77. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
78. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
79. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
80. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
81. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
82. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
83. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
84. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
85. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
86. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
87. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
88. Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
89. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
90. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
91. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
92. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
93. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
94. Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
95. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
96. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
97. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
98. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
99. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
100. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.
101. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
     

See? this shit is funny. At least it is to me. I'm loopy today for some reason. Could be the back to back 1am 2.0 feeding following at 1:30am by 2.0 ninja-ing into my room.

I wonder how Chuck Norris would handle this?

I was reading an entertaining blog this morning and the author mentioned a list of things about the show "24." I went and found the list and, although it reminds me of the Chuck Norris line of jokes, some of them made me laugh, so I wanted to post them for you here. (Also, thanks to buddytv for these):

Top One Hundred Facts

1. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.


2. Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.


3. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.


4. RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted. :(


5. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.


6. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".


7. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.


8. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.


9. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.


10. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.


11. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.


12. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.


13. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.


14. Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.


15. Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's ****ing Jack Bauer.


16. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.


17. There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.


18. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.


19. Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."


20. In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.


21. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.


22. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.


23. Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.


24. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.


25. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.


26. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.


27. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that ***** went to the hospital first.


28. When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."


29. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.


30. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.


31. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.


32. Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.


33. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.


34. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.


35. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.


36. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.


37. Jack Bauer's influence is so strong that with one call to the NCAA, the deceased, former director of CTU George Mason was able to make it to the Final Four.


38. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.


39. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.


40. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.


41. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.


42. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.


43. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.


44. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.


45. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "<>
    
46. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life?


47. Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.


48. Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.


49. In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?


50. Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."


51. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.


52. Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.


53. One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.


54. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.


55. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.


56. In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."


57. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're ****ing dead."


58. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.


59. If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.


60. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".


61. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.


62. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.


63. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.


64. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.


65. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.


66. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.


67. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.


68. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.


69. Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.


70. My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.


71. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.


72. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.


73. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.


74. During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.


75. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.


76. "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm ****ed".


77. Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.


78. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.


79. Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.


80. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.


81. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.


82. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.


83. If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.


84. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.


85. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.


86. Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a *****.


87. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.


88. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.


89. All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.


90. After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.


91. Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.


92. Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.


93. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.


94. The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.


95. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.


96. Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.


97. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.


98. Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.


99. You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid.


100. One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.

These are similar to me to the "yo mama so fat" jokes kind of, and they almost always make me chuckle. Look for more of this kind of crap today. I'm looking for quantity not quality, so this is what you get from me. A lot of Ctrl-A, Ctrl-C and Ctrl-Ving.

You know, I've found recently that "SPAM" is now one of those words that gets bandied about so much that you forget what it means. For the sake of this discussion, here are a couple of definitions:

1. To send unsolicited e-mail to.
2. To send (a message) indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists, individuals, or newsgroups.
3. To post irrelevant or inappropriate messages to one or more Usenet Newgroups, mailing lists, or other messaging system in deliberate or accidental violation of netigquette.
4. To indiscriminately send large amounts of unsolicitede-mail meant to promote a
   product or service. Spam in this sense is sort of like the electronic equivalent of junk mail sent to "Occupant".

Of all of these, I like number three the best.

Why do I mention this? Because, for the fifth time this week and the 50th time this year it seems, I received the following email:

Just give it some thought


This was originally sent by a retired Coca Cola executive It came
from one of his engineer buddies
who retired from Halliburton. It's worth your consideration.

Join the resistance!!!! I hear we are going to hit close to $ 4.00 a
gallon by next summer and it might
go higher!! Want gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some
intelligent, united action.

Phillip Hollsworth offered this good idea. This makes MUCH MORE SENSE
than the "don't buy gas on a
certain day" campaign that was going around last April or May! The
oil companies just laughed at that.
BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can
really work. Please read on and join with us!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is
super cheap. Me too! It is currently
$2.79 for regular unleaded in my town. Now that the oil companies
and the OPEC nations have
conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at
$1.50 - $1.75, we need to take
aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the
marketplace..not sellers. With the price of
gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action.
The only way we're going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook
by not purchasing their gas! And, we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? We CAN have
an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY
gasoline from the two biggest companies
(which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not selling any
gas, they will be inclined to reduce
their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will
have to follow suit. But to have an
impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas
buyers. It's really simple to do! Now, don't wimp out on me at this point...keep reading and I'll explain
how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I am sending this note to 30 people. If each of us send it to at
least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) .. and
those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)...and so
on, by the time the message reaches
the sixth group of people, we will have reached overTHREE MILLION
consumers.

If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends
each, then 30 million people will have
been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it.....
THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all! (If
you don't understand how we can reach
300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people....
Well, let's face it, you just aren't a
mathematician. But I am . so trust me on this one.) How long would
all that take? If each of us sends
this e-mail out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300
MILLION people could conceivably be
contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you didn't think you and
I had that much potential, did you!
Acting together we can make a difference.

If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. I suggest
that we not buy from EXXON/MOBIL UNTIL
THEY LOWER THEIR PRICE TOTHE $1.30 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN
REALLY WORK.

First of all, what are this idiot's credentials? I can spout all kinds of nonsense about simple math and multi-level marketing, but this is about global economics and the geo-political state of things in the middle east. But somehow an email from someone I used to work with is going to force me and 299,999,999 folks into action?

Please.

Secondly, I am in IT. The simple fact is that this type of message wastes the time of nearly every employee every day and thus, is effectively stealing money from the company. The folks in my office (and every other office in the world) don't need to waste time filtering thru this electronic refuse, just like they don't need prayer chains for kids no one knows that are collecting post cards. They also don't need to waste time wondering if Bill Gates is going to give them a pc. He's not. I could go on and on with examples, but I shall not.

The other thing these messages do is waste bandwidth on the internet and in offices around the world. Further, they waste server space and server efficiency. How? Because those things are dealing with this garbage instead of putting work-related stuff first.

And lastly, the part that is far more personal. I can't stand these because 99.9999% of the time that I get them, they come from folks that employ no forwarding etiquette whatsoever. If you are forwarding me spam (or even a joke that I would like), please do five things:

1) Tidy up the "Subject" line. There's no way I'm reading one that comes to me like this; "FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: re: GAS." If you clean that up, I may, MAY read the message.
2) Delete all the rows of >>>>>>>>>>>> that are in the message.
3) Copy the text of the forwarded message into your forward. Don't make me open 14 attachments to see the message just because the 13 AOL idiots before you didn't do it right. Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.
4) Consider your audience. As I said, I'm in IT and have been for over 13 years. If it's new to you and you don't work in IT, chances are I saw it about 12-18 months ago.
5) This relates more to jokes than spam, but I have to throw this in here. Do not, under any circumstances, send something back to me that I sent to you. See, I send funny things out occasionally, only to have them returned to me because my name is in someone's "HUMOR" distribution list. Really, I know it was funny. I sent it. Care enough to see who sent it to you and delete their name from the outgoing e-mail.

Sorry. I got distracted there.

Since someone said this better than I did, I will close with an informational e-mail that, while it may technically be referred to as SPAM, I consider it a public service announcement. This is exactly how I got it and I saved it to forward to folks that send me SPAM (Thanks Cathy):

Email Facts Of Life

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not
giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There
is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax;
there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore,
just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that
"we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in
a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened
to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft
ring stories, please see:

http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/week...

And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued
requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell
their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your
friend's cousin.

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if
they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at:

http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html

Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel
free to pass the recipe on.

4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate
co-workers gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on
an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students,
Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes
to change a lightbulb

5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that
went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this
information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?

6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever
forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm
it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with
virii. Try:

http://www.norton.com

And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.

7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your
message, you're probably going to Hell.

8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the
"HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't
care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser,
since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie
Recipe anyway.

9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message
from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of
headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months.
It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line.
Besides, if it has gone around that many times - we've probably
already seen it.

OR BETTER YET, BLIND CC (bcc) everyone!

10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at
this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business
cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.

Have a good day everybody.

and finally, a P.S. Don't type in CAPS. Remember, that's like yelling at someone. It's annoying and it's rude.

Have a great humpday everyone!!

but it's just too damned exciting. Last night our little Fatty Arbuckle ate at 7pm (some of a bottle and a bunch of rice cereal and apple sauce) then slept from 7:30pm until 5:30am. I had also snoozed my alarm, so she also got me up in time to not be late for work.

Then, this morning, she rolled over from her back to her front. Of course, she was pissed after that but the fact is, she's now on her way to some mobility and a tick of independence as it relates to playing on the floor with toys and stuff.

Three cheers for our fat baby:

Hip Hip HOORAY!!
Hip Hip HOORAY!!
Hip Hip HOORAY!!

For the record, these shows are listed in no particular order other than how I thought of them.

1) LOST - although I usually miss some while I'm working out, it's still great TV.

2) Celebrity Fit Club - The creme de la creme of reality TV.

3) Surreal Life - I don't know why either. This season it's for not much other reason than Tawny Kitaen. Her being crazy only makes me love her more.

4) My Name Is Earl - Possibly one of the best written comedies to hit TV in years.

5) Family Guy - Sure, folks complain it's too raunchy and steals from other shows. Whatever. It kills about anything else that's on now, especially in cartoon form.

6) The Simpsons - To make that show matter for nearly 20 years is amazing.

7) Survivor - The folks that invented reality TV are still the best at it.

8) I Love the (whatever)'s on VH1 - I can watch these shows over and over and laugh my ass off every time. Really. It's great stuff.

9) WebJunk20 - great show about the funny stuff you can find on the internet

10) World Series of Poker (from whatever year) - as long as Lon McKeckern and the other guy (I know it's spelled wrong and I don't care) do it, it's good TV.

11) Penn and Teller's Bullshit on Showtime - Irreverent? Sure. Controversial? Sometimes. But is it well thought out and thought-provoking? Absolutely.

12) The Amazing Race - They lost me during the family series, but now they're back on track and it's just damned entertaining.

Honorable mentions go to anything on cable (pay movie channels) where the opening credits included SSC BN or N (Strong Sexual Content, Brief Nudity or Nudity). Bless you Showtime, Cinemax, and HBO Real Sex.

Someone, and I'm not naming names, decided to forego using the handy octagonal shaped wire thingy to get the Easter eggs in and out of the dye. That meant that she was literally dripping permanent food coloring, and all the while she was wearing a brand new outfit.

Rather than risk permanently scarring the most recent cotoure from The Gap, we opted not to change her into damageable clothes but instead to let her strip down to her Dora underpants to finish coloring the eggs. Oh, and then we let her run around blowing bubbles too.

We're great parents, aren't we? The good news from all of this is that we think we're pretty sure is going in the full-page yearbook ad the year she graduates from high school.

(BTW, WTE = White Trash Easter. Enjoy).

Here are a couple of photos from this weekend. These are the more traditional ones:

So Saturday I was fortunate enough to attend a birthday party for my now five-year-old nephew Max. The party was held at the mecca for all children's birthday parties (before the introduction of the gozillion jumpin' thang, moonwalk party places): Chuck E. Cheese's!!!

There are many fun and not so fun things about the place where Charles is truly in charge, and I'm going to cover a few of them while I am here.

Bad: The volume. Sweet Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick. My left ear is STILL bleeding from the volume. Five teenage girls singing the CEC happy birthday song with 47 kids and a backing track is nearly too much for a fellow like me to take.

Good: I still love video games. Especially ones that award tickets. Even if the games are old and suck ass. For example, the coin toss and drop. You may not know this one, but it's where you put in a token, it flies to the back row and top tier (of three) and you hope it goes in the hole. Sort of.

But the real carrot is the idea of knocking a couple over and on to the next ledge and then the next one and into the hopper. THAT'S where the real tickets come from in my experiences.

So what I do is grab a cup of tokens (even if I have to steal them from the kid that put them in their shoe while they went into the ceiling tube farm). Then I just keep feeding one of the side (NOT THE CENTER) slots. pretty soon, coins are falling over ledges and tickets are shooting out of the machine. All tolled, I earned over 550 tickets for my nephew doing that Saturday.

And before you ask, yes, 550 tickets is a lot. It elevated me to near God status amongst the four and five year old set.

Bad: Giving every male over 16 that is wandering around the gaming area the evil eye and wondering if "HE'S" one of those pedophile creeps but knowing full well he's probably just hiding from Brittney or Chelsea's birthday party too.

Good: That machine that eats and counts your tickets. That alone is worth playing games and saving tickets.

Bad: That none of the games that don't pay tickets are really worth a hill of shit. I mean, they have a one-man virtual reality spin around and puke inside the helmet game, that dumbass jetski game, nascar pinball (good for there but bad for pinball) and that 18-wheeler driving game that they have in every Target and Walmart in the nation.

Good: Believe it or not, the pizza is not horrific. Or at least the cheese pizza isn't. I don't understand it, but it's not.

Bad: The sickness I feel that results from pitying the poor souls that work for the giant rat. And it's not like they only work one party a day. They have to do about a dozen.

Fuck that. I don't care if they're training to be the next oscar award winner. That place HAS to suck the life out of you one sanity point at a time.


But my favorite moment of the party happened when we arrived. It was me, my lovely wife, my nine-year-old nephew and my nearly four year old daughter. It was Saturday. And it was 10am. Oh, and we were carrying a huge fucking package covered in wrapping paper. (So you know, it was a Thomas the Train lego set). And what does the door employee say?

"Are you here for a birthday party today?"

Ummmm...no honey. We're not. We'd like a table for four in the smoking area and if that's not available, can we just get a couple of cocktails and wait in the bar?

At that moment I realized something. I realized that I had just the will to live exit the body of a total stranger right where she stood.

I wonder what her soul did for the rest of the morning? I'm guessing that it played Whack-a-Mole.

by my lack of posting recently. It's been EXTREMELY busy at Casa de TMLSB over the last week.

But have no fear, fair denizens of teh internets. I have material o' plenty for this week, including a fabulous quote from yesterday's birthday party for my five year old nephew. I also have some pictures from our white trash Easter Egg coloring yesterday. And I've even got a couple of little movie clips that will be posted courtesy of youtube.com of my eldest child and her continued fall into redneck-dom.

Happy Easter everyone!! I'll talk to you all soon.

Urchin 1.0 has always said Junior is her favorite driver. For those of you that live under a rock, she is referring to NASCAR's Dale Earnhardt Jr. Anyway, the wife went to an Easter luncheon at Lauren's school today, and this beautiful piece of art was brought to my wife:




I love Bud products. He's gonna make a fine son in law.

Got this idea from IvoryFrog's Blog courtesy of blogmad dot net and their blogsurf feature. Anyway, it goes like this:

Here's what to do...

Go to Wikipedia and do a search for your birthday (day and month only, exclude the year).

Post three facts, two births and one death on your blog including the years.

(Thanks Ivoryfrog).



Here are mine for July 3rd:


Events

1863 - U.S. Civil War: The final and bloodiest day of the Battle of Gettysburg.

1928 - First Color television broadcast in London.

1964 - President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which prohibits segregation in public places.


Births

1962 - Tom Cruise, actor and lunatic

1947 - Dave Barry, writer


Deaths

1971 - Jim Morrison (The Doors)
1969 - Brian Jones (The Rolling Stones)

*I listed both because I knew of Morrison but I didn't know Jones was on the same day two years earlier.

when you're feeding a baby at 3:30 in the morning.

Last fall we were having drinks with some friends at the BIL's house, and the woman casually mentioned that her sister was going to be on "some reality show."

I cringed. I have been waiting for the day that I knew someone or that an acquaintance of someone that I knew ended up on some horrific and idiotic reality television show.

So we asked a few questions, and eventually found out that it was a show called "Starting Over."

Thank God, I said later as I looked at the schedule. It's on at 3:00pm or 3:30 in the morning. I'll NEVER have to watch one minute of that show.

And then we had Sophia.

See, when we feed her, we turn the tv on just for some subtle and ambient lighting, but while it's on I'll flip and even watch SportsCenter or something else while she eats.

That's how we found "something else."

I couldn't believe these needy women and their "empower us" theme was a TV show idea that anyone bought, especially at 3:30am.

I was wrong.

After seeing a few episodess, it's not polished but it's great TV, if that makes any sense. They picked folks from all walks of life and you see them more or less coached thru their issues by what appear to be competent therapists and other profiessionals.

And it's season THREE for God's sake. Who knew this? How did this slip by me twice before?

Does this make me less of a man? Of COURSE it does. But I've never been afraid to show my girlie side anyway.

Thanks for listening.

Today we received an email from human resources regarding the renewal of our medical insurance contract with our carrier. There was quite a bit of curious language, but one sentence in a bullet pointed section stood out when I read it. The section said:

"The table below is the 2006/07 Monthly Medical/Prescription Drug Premium Rate Schedule, and reflects a 25.0% premium increase over the 2005 - 2006 premium. Unfortunately. we were not able to maintain the current rates, but we believe that our carrier offers the best value currently available. These rates will go into effect on May 1, 2006.

Our carrier informs us that our rate increase is the result of the three (3) primary factors:

- There was not a premium increase when we switched to this carrier last year.

- Base line healthcare cost have risen 14% on average for 2006.

- Big Rubber Company had a higher than average premium/loss ratio during 2005."


Now, read those last three items again, and see if you notice anything that might make a guy who had a couple of cardiac procedures a little jumpy.

See, I think everyone was happy for me five months ago, since the biggest impact to them was that I wasn't at work. But now they get an email explaining that their premiums went up 25% in large part due to the fact that we "had a higher than average premium/loss ratio during 2005, and I'm guessing more than one or two are cussing me now.

Nothing like being loved, eh?